Feeling Worthless

Feeling Worthless

Ever since I quit my job, which was not going well anyway, I’ve been feeling quite worthless.

I know that taking care of the children is very important. I even dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom when I was working regularly. I could not wait to quit.

Then, the reality set in. I hate the feeling that I do not help with the finances. I am good at spending money, with trips to the grocery store, taking care of the bills, and all of the other things that pop up. I just don’t bring any in.

I wish that I contributed somehow. Money is really tight, yet I can’t complain when we can’t afford to do things because I am not working.

I try to do things to help a little. My Creative Memories business is mostly an excuse to get a discount. The only people I sell any supplies to are other mom-friends, so they are in the same boat. I love creating scrapbooks for others, but I haven’t found many customers for that. I am just not a sales person, especially when it comes to such a small group of people who love to scrapbook. Most people are quick to say that they don’t have time to scrapbook.

When I got pregnant again, they started cutting my hours back at work. Using this extra time, I decided to take some classes for stay-at-home jobs. I debated between medical transcription and medical coding and billing.

I decided to start with the transcription classes since I enjoyed typing. I felt since I worked at a veterinary office, I would have a little more experience with medical terms. However, I really struggled through the classes. I needed complete silence to complete the tests, which is very hard when you have a screaming baby. It turned out that it was not a good fit for me at all. I struggled through the class but knew that I wouldn’t be able to work from home as a transcriptionist.

Once I graduated, I found that it was not easy to get a job, especially one where you could work at home. You needed years of experience before they allowed you to work at home. Often, you had to pass a test. You were allowed to use books on the tests, but I struggled to pass the one test that I took.

By then, Evan had been born and I went back to my regular job. They only gave me eight hours a week. Since the classes were all so similar, I only had to take a few more to graduate from the medical coding and billing program, so I decided to take them. I really enjoyed those classes. Still, I had trouble finding a job. Most coders start as receptionists and work their way up the chain.

Since that was not working out, I looked into other classes from the same college. They had one on freelance writing. I have always enjoyed writing and thought that I might like to try that career.

Instead of taking the class, I bought a few books. I started sending out for magazine samples and writer’s guidelines. I learned about sites on the internet where I could make some money. I spent a little time every morning working on those sites. I also studied the magazines and their guidelines during nap time.

By that time, I wasn’t bringing in enough money, and money was too tight. I was also struggling with the fact that I was not helping with the finances. I found a job using my medical coding and billing knowledge but I had to go into the office several times a week. I was hoping that it would give me enough experience to find a coding job at home in the future. A few months later, a job opened up at the veterinary clinic down the road. I started working there one to two days a week, while still working at the chiropractor office.

Several years later, I am now working part-time at the veterinary office and building my writing business (I finally found my own way). I no longer feel worthless.

It is crazy that raising children was not enough for me; I still felt so worthless. But you can’t help how you feel. It’s a shame that mothers have to feel that way. Raising children is not an easy job!

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