Feeling of Loss

“Hi Jen, how are you? I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a DNA kit, you know I was kinda of interested in knowing a bit more about my biological Dad and his family, at least for health history you know?”

“I think that’s a great idea Sarah. I encourage you to order it right away. Honestly at this stage of your life what do you have to lose?”

Sarah had known of her biological father since she was young. Her Mom and her were on their own for years until her Mom met and married when Sarah was 13. So she went online and ordered the test kit. A few days later the test arrived. I can’t wait to get this process started thought Sarah. I am not holding out much hope but at least I might find out a few details and even better maybe I will meet some more family. After I spit into this vile and send it off for testing it says 2-3 weeks for the results to be emailed. I have to go phone Jen and let her know that I have started this.

I wish I could talk to my Mom about this all. I hope she wouldn’t be disappointed knowing that I had decided to do this? I know growing up she said she wasn’t sure who my father was, but she also definitely seemed like she didn’t want to talk about it much and basically made me feel like it wasn’t something I should enquire about or look into.

Ooh I’ve got an email. It says my results will be here on March 14th. That’s only 3 days. I can’t wait.

Ugh work has been so hectic lately I can’t believe how much there is to do at the moment. Every time I turn around it seems like there’s another stack of paperwork for me to enter. I am so looking forward to my shift being over. On the way home I am grabbing a bottle of wine and some take away Chinese food and relaxing. I might even slip into a hot bath. I wonder what’s on tv tonight. What day is it, uhm Tuesday March 14th,…….March 14th! Oh no way I think my test results are here tonight. I can’t wait to see.

When Sarah opened the email it was a bit more extensive than she thought. I’m going to need some wine! What she was expecting was to read a bit of information perhaps about her extended family or health information. She wasn’t expecting to immediately see her biological father’s name. Right there in big bold letters, there it was, all these years she had never known who he was or where he was and here as plain as day it stated FATHER: MICHAEL CREATON. It also included information such as his birthdate and birthplace. Well I am not sure what to do with this she thought. She had another glass of wine and called Jen. After her phone call with Jen she felt much better about things. Jen had a way of making her feel grounded and more confident. I am going to try to locate him she thought, but where to start.

Sarah scrolled through different forms of social media using the information she now had and the information she could piece together through the names and websites. She couldn’t find Michael, however she did find a woman named Lucy Creaton who by the age and area they lived seem like she could possibly be Michael’s wife so she drank another glass of wine and drafted her a message. She let her know that she was looking for a Michael Creaton born on this date and in this town and that although she hoped to meet him one day she had zero expectations and she wasn’t wanting anything per say.

Around 2-3 hours later Sarah received a response. “Hi Sarah, yes I am Michael’s wife Lucy. Thank you for contacting me.” She went on to say that Michael had known of Sarah growing up and that he had wanted to be in her life, but that her Mom had refused and kept her details private. Sarah couldn’t believe what she was reading. Lucy went on to say that Michael had unfortunately passed away but in the event that Sarah ever messaged could she please get a package to her that he had had put away in an envelope. Sarah gave her the address and waited for the package.

“Hi Jen”. “Hey Sarah how’s are you?” “Uhm I’m okay. Remember how I told you I had located my biological Dad? Well turns out I’m too late. He passed away from a heart attack a year ago!” “Oh Sarah I’m so sorry. Are you ok?” “Ya I’m fine. It’s just a bit, I don’t know it just feels like I’ll never get the closure I was hoping for. But his wife did say she was sending a package to me that he had saved for me. She also said she liked to meet me one day so I guess that’s nice. It would be nice to have some connection to my Dad you know?”

When the package arrived Sarah had just walked into her apartment with her mail. Hmm ok Dad what did you want me to have. She opened the envelope and there was a little black book. Well this is strange. Sarah opened the book to see what was inside, but there were only a few photos of what looked like her father as a child, there was a letter and there was a piece of paper with bank writing. She believed it was a savings bond. The letter explained that Michael had wanted to know her. It also said that it was her Mother’s decision not to have him in her life as she thought Michael’s lifestyle and family was destructive and harmful to her. Michael didn’t disagree but he did say that he still had always loved her and he wanted her to have the savings bond. He went on to say that he was sad he missed out on knowing her and wished she had been a part of his life but that he had no anger to her mother as there were some things that he understood weren’t great for a child but never went into much detail except to say that he thought of her often.

Sarah felt overwhelmed and unsure of her feelings. In one way she was angry with her mom for not letting her have the opportunity to have her father in her life. Then she felt angry that he hadn’t fought to be in her life and she felt confused. What was she supposed to do with this little black book, the savings bond and this information? She had a bath and went to bed.

The next day on the way to work Sarah decided to stop by the bank. “Hi I have this savings bond from my father. Can you please let me know what it’s worth?” “ Yes sure just let me check. Ok so this is fully matured and the amount is $20,000.” Sarah almost threw up right there………… “Did you say $20,000???” “ Yes it’s for $20,000, are you depositing that or cashing out?” “ Oh I’ll deposit it please. I need time to think.”

Now $20,000 is a lot of money for anyone, but it’s an awful lot of money when you have student debt and unpaid bills and no family for support. Sarah was flabbergasted. I can’t believe it. I’ve gone from having no knowledge of my father, to having my father’s information, to finding out he passed to getting $20,000 from him! It’s been a lot!

“Hey Jen, it’s Sarah. Can you talk?”