Feeling Guilty Because You Can’t Get Along with Your Daughter-In-Law?

You had this idea that when your son got married, you would naturally fall in love with your new daughter-in-law just as your son has….Only, it didn’t work out that way.

Since day one, you have butted heads. Not only do you and your DIL not get along, you can’t even stand each other, and nothing you try seems to work. Every time you two are in the same room, tempers flare and anxiety simmers.

Do you simply fold your cards and succumb to the fact that nothing will bridge the gap between you two? Realizing there is no way you can see eye to eye, let alone become as close as mother and daughter.

How to Make the Relationship Work

In this article, author Karl Pillemer explains that this relationship is fraught from the get-go, because daughters-in-law are supposed to be a part of the family, yet they aren’t really:

“So, there are many expectations about it. And that can be a situation where it’s difficult to win.

And why daughters-in-law more than sons-in-law? Women tend to be more involved in family relationships than men and are traditionally responsible for maintaining family connections. And, these days, there are fewer rules about pecking order.”

Pillemer adds that you need to accept the fact that your relationship with your son is different now. You are part of his extended family, not his nuclear family:

“If it comes down to a power struggle between you and the DIL, she will almost always win. That battle is almost never worthwhile for a parent and is one of the paths to real estrangement. And remember: Your relationship with your daughter-in-law is likely long-term. You have to think about a relationship that, if something goes wrong, it may be for the rest of the in-law's life.”

Those are heavy words to hear. My son isn’t married yet, and I keep telling myself that I will love whoever he chooses for his life partner, as if she were my own daughter.

I realize that is a noble gesture and when push comes to shove, I may not be able to completely adhere to that commitment.

Sure, I will feel a little cast aside when my son spends the vast majority of time with his new “nuclear family.” But I feel like if I simply adjust my expectations and not demand time with him, family gatherings will go smoothly. Am I wrong? According to this heart breaking Reddit thread, probably:

“I've tried everything since they were married almost 10 years ago. My husband and I babysat for our twin grandchildren once a week for about 10-12 hours a day. I'd clean up and do laundry while the kids napped. We always remembered holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. We've always been generous with time, toys, clothing, etc. No one seems to count with the exception of her family. Her parents even moved in next door to my son and dil about 5 years ago. My husband passed away in late 2024. I'm grieving and she has reached out to me maybe twice in a year and a half. My son is not happy but loves his kids too much to rock the boat too much. Also, I live about 12 minutes away from them. It's a pretty messed up situation. There's nothing I can do, but it's a bit of a bitter pill to swallow.”

It seems like this MIL tried everything and has now resigned herself to the fact that she will never be close to her DIL.

Like the OP so eloquently stated, it is a bitter pill to swallow. But I look at the relationship like this: As long as I can still spend time with my son (and possible future grandchildren) I am OK if my DIL and I simply tolerate each other.

Certainly, the hope is still there for a close connection, but if that is not possible, I will do what I can to keep the peace...I know it sounds cliche, but to all the mothers of single adult sons, let’s prepare for the worst and hope for the best!