Family Tradition.

Ever since she could remember, Marina struggled with vulnerability and openness. So much so, that merely thinking about sharing her thoughts or feelings openly, terrified her. She was great at listening, but talking? Not so much. How was it possible that something so common and that came so naturally and effortlessly to other people, could so deeply unsettle her? She always wondered.

Marina grew up in a tight knit community in Guanajuato, a small city in central Mexico. It was the kind of place so small that everyone knew everyone, or at least knew about everyone. Yet, still so big, diverse and cliquey that you could easily find yourself feeling lonely. A place ridden with secrecy, betrayal and death. But it was her home, it was where her family was and that was it. Family was everything to her.

She had grown up listening to her father incessantly go on about family, loyalty, the strength of the family bond and most importantly -at least in his mind- about the deep sense of gratitude and responsibility that came with it. Oh, and the expectations. How could she forget about the expectations? Those also came with it and they did so, in bulk. So, her life hadn’t exactly been easy, at least not as easy as it looked to everyone else from the outside.

It was a Saturday morning just like any other, Marina had slept well past noon and had woken up to find the Hacienda bustling with the noise of staff tending to the gardens, the kitchen and just about everything else you could think of. She threw a robe on and happily walked barefoot to the kitchen to ask for her “pick me up” breakfast. Everyone already knew that meant 2 beef and chorizo quesadillas with loads of spicy salsa, a glass of green juice, a café de olla, and a small can of Classic Coca-Cola.

She also asked for everything to be set up in her spot in the gardens facing the pond, and went on her way. Everyone knew instantly where she meant. Marina walked mindlessly along the courtyard corridors, lost in her own thoughts, on her way to her study, intending to grab a book and run back and lay on her favourite lounger while she waited for breakfast to be served. But as soon as she walked inside the study, she felt like something was wrong.

All her stuff seemed to have been slightly moved around. Not too much, but just enough that whomever did it, knew she would notice. And as she was scanning the room in awkward confusion and disbelief, she saw it. A black rectangular shape sitting smack in the middle of her antique wooden desk. She walked closer and she noticed it had a yellow Post-it note with squiggly writing that simply read “For you. Keep safe.”

Marina shrugged it off. “It’s probably a silly little gift from Mom.” She thought, as she opened a drawer and placed the little black book inside. She grabbed the book she had initially been looking for and set out to continue with her morning plan. But as she was about to reach the archway towards the gardens, she noticed the ambulance coming up the driveway with lights glaring and sirens blaring. Then, her mother abruptly appeared atop the central staircase yelling and crying uncontrollably.

She was startled or maybe just caught off-guard at first, but as soon as she saw the look on her mother's eyes, it immediately turned into deep and relentless fear. And it felt like it was all happening in slow motion. But what exactly was going on? Why was her mother running down the stairs bawling her eyes out and flailing her arms around in signalling to the paramedics? And when did her older sister get there, where had she come from? She wondered, just as Andrea quietly appeared from behind her mother. But most importantly, where the hell was her father?

Marina walked over, closer to the staircase but still keeping her distance from it all. And as she stood there frozen, Marina suddenly felt a warm sensation on her back, almost as if someone was giving her a loving and gentle pat. Instantly, she felt like it was all going to be ok, for a millisecond. “Grandma?" She whispered to herself. " Yeah, that totally felt like you.” She thought. “I can almost hear you saying “Ay mamacita, don’t be afraid my love.” A silent tear rolled down Marina's cheek. Her grief still very much pulsing through her, now coupled with fear.

She felt exposed there, standing completely still and silent in the midst of a very real family emergency. Utterly unable to react even in the slightest. Secretly hoping she was anywhere else but here and daydreaming that she could once again hold hands with her Grandma. But the sight of the two Paramedics wheeling her father away on a gurney, broke her out of her daze and brought her back to the reality of what had just happened.

She watched as they rolled him out , got him into the ambulance, closed the doors and drove away. It was all over in a few minutes, but for Marina it felt like an eternity. And she had been frozen through all of it. Her mother was now kneeling on the the floor, right below the staircase and weeping uncontrollably while Andrea standing just beside her, with the strangest look in her eyes, gently rubbed her mother's back trying to soothe her. They all watched in silence as the ambulance eventually drove out the gates, and out of sight.

Why was she like this? The question popped into Marina's head again, just as her mother and sister walked towards her, looking for her comfort as they always did. But as they both got closer, she again noticed the weird look in her sister's eyes. "Satisfaction, maybe? No! Obviously not, that couldn’t be! What the hell am I thinking?”. But somehow, deep down, she knew. That was exactly what it was, satisfaction.

Marina shook her head to clear her mind and opened her arms wide to meet her mother. “Mamita! I know, I know. Shh, don’t worry. He will be ok. He will. Right, Andrea?” She awkwardly asked her sister. “Yeah, of course. But no matter what happens, we have to stay together, ok? That is all that matters now.” said Andrea. Marina shot a confused look to her sister, not sure what she had meant to say. Still, she nodded and just continued to hug her mother closer and tighter as she wept.

The next few days after her father died flew by for Marina. She felt like she had floated through it all, blindfolded. She could barely remember the funeral, much less what had happened after that. But now, they were dealing with eviction and the bank apparently seizing or repossessing their things. So, strangers were now going through the whole house, sorting and taking stuff left and right, while the family's attorneys followed closely behind, diligently taking notes.

It was a scene to remember, or rather, forget. But Marina once again stood there, in a daze, simply lost in the movements of the people scrambling all over the house, grabbing, carrying, pushing or wheeling all sorts of things from her childhood home. When suddenly, she snapped out of it. “Wait! You there, in the green shirt. Stop!” The man turned around and carefully set Marina’s antique wooden desk down. “Yes, miss?” He politely asked. “I need to get something out of the drawer before you take it. Could you please open it for me and grab the little black book?”

The man smiled. He opened the drawer, took the book out and without saying a word, handed it to her and got right back to taking away her precious desk. As Marina walked towards her room carrying the little black book, she couldn’t help but wonder what had made her ask for it? She wasn’t sure. She didn't even remember the book was there until just now. And there was nothing really special about it, it was just a silly little notebook that her Mom had left for her, right?

She closed the door to her room behind her and began to feel her pulse racing. Her hands now shaking. "Anticipation, perhaps?" She wondered, as she slid down the door and sat on the floor with the book firmly between her hands, the yellow post-it still on it. She took a closer look at the squiggly writing, and recognized it almost instantly. It was not her Mom’s. It was her Dad’s!

She opened the book and a plane ticket to Bali immediately fell out. It was in her name, and it was scheduled to leave a week from today. Marina couldn’t believe it. She flipped through the first few pages, and there it was. A note from her Dad:

“Mijita, it’s all fake. I’m alive and well. Your sister knows everything, but your Mom doesn’t. Fed’s are after me so, this is quicker and easier. I will send for them when things settle down, but this is not your mess. Go make your dreams come true. Become what you want to and just be happy and free. We will meet again soon.

Love, Dad.

Ps. Here’s a little seed money too, be safe kiddo.”

The check was just behind the next page. Twenty thousand dollars. “Seed money" from Dad. “Surreal.” Marina thought, as she broke down to her knees half crying, half laughing.