Parenting is full of stories of “mistakes.” We yell, we punish, we threaten. AND we feel guilty after we calm down and realize we were triggered and reacted out of a myriad of unchecked emotions.
AND THEN we beat ourselves up.
What’s your favorite name to call yourself after making a mistake?
I go with terrible people/parents. It covers most situations where I screw up.
Giving advice is often a difficult thing, because people instantly read it as shame and blame. I also get many people who assume my life is sunshine and roses, filled with rainbows and puppies, because my answer is perfect. I get a lot of “Well, that’s fine to say, but you don’t know how TERRIBLE my kid is.”
TRUST ME, folks, my kid had some doozy tantrums. He hit, he swore. I may have lost my temper while attempting to handle a meltdown more times than I responded calmly.
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
Why are we so hard on ourselves, anyway? Why do we instantly react with shame or judgement when things get tough, or mistakes happen, or we perceive we are being judged?
Often because that’s how our parents treated us. ANd how their parents treated them and back and back. Family cycles are pervasive, and tough to break unless someone teaches you a different response, a new way.
I’m not blaming anyone to make them feel bad. Everyone is doing the best they can with the skills and knowledge they possess. But it’s a hard truth for everyone to hear sometimes our best isn’t good enough. We have caused harm with our best.
It sucks a lot hearing the truth. You can always apologize, sincerely, without expecting them to forgive you. But I find the best apology is doing better. If you parent harshly, say sorry, but also impart what you are learning on others. Actions speak louder than words.
A Different Way
Gentle parenting is our different way. I feel as if we’ve made leaps and bounds in understanding development and the mind. From Rick Hanson, Gordon Neufeld, and Deborah MacNamara and others I’ve learned so much about how our brains have evolved over all of time, and specifically how our brains develop from infancy to adulthood (somewhere in our late 20s, early 30s… maybe. Science is always expanding what we know).
Embracing Our Imperfection
I find many parents come for coaching expecting we have a magic formula to STOP meltdowns, backtalk, fighting, counter will. You know whatever your kid is doing that is making you pull your hair out in frustration. THAT BEHAVIOR. Wouldn’t you love it if someone could just give you the right tactic and it would never happen again?
And if you could achieve an end, everything would be perfect.
Except then you find some other behavior that would frustrate you. Someway you’d want to improve them. Humans are kind of always dissatisfied.
Perfection doesn’t exist. Your kids will always have behaviour that triggers your frustrations. And you will sometimes react in a way that upsets you.
I like the serenity prayer for embracing the imperfections. Accept the things you cannot change, and the courage to change what you can.
Who do we control? Ourselves. Mostly.
Who can we improve? Ourselves.
Who do we have to accept as doing their best? Everyone else.
Accepting to me doesn't mean being a doormat. It means accepting this is the best this person can do right now. I may need to work together to find a solution, set a boundary, or create separation. Depends on what the situation is. When it comes to parenting, finding a solution that fits all needs is my preferred way of handling all situations. Telling someone what they can and cannot do doesn’t teach them HOW to handle their situation, it doesn’t meet their needs.
Acceptance of ourselves is okay too. This is where I am. I am having a hard time. I have needs which aren’t being met. Something has triggered an old wound. Or everything just sucks.
Doesn’t that feel better to stop fighting the truth?
Once you’ve accepted that you can move onto the part where you learn skills to respond better.
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