Dreams

Prudence White

Dreams

“Take my hand

Lead me on, let me stand

I am tired, I am weak, I am worn

Through the storm, through the night

Lead me on to the light.”

Why you always sing that momma?” Jimmie asked.

Momma smiled and said, "It give me strength. Us po folk needs courage...." “Because we are powerless,” bellowed Charlie. Charlie is my big brother. He was visiting home from Jackson state college. His hazel eyes looked fixedly into minds. Its all going to change soon, it is all going to change.

” I don't understand Charlie what this change.”

“Well in Jackson there is a hub of activity. The racial tension is shifting dramatically in the south. The city's got its first black radio station and is the home base for organizations such as the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE), the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), and the NAACP. Do you know why these organizations were created Jimmie?”

‘Whatcha talking boy”, momma exclaimed.

Charlie looked up with a smirk on his face.

“I’m enlightening my little brother about the plight of black folks and about the change that is sweeping the south. Integration is freedom. I am a witness.... let me tell ya a student who attends Jackson State named James Meredith try one hand at enrolling at the University of Mississippi. Well, you know them white folks hate integration, and an uproar broke out on the Ole Miss campus, with riots and protest. Two dead, hundreds wounded, and many others jailed... ... if it ain’t for Kennedy calling the National Guard the mob violence would have prevailed and be widespread. You see momma we cannot vote; and…. Charlie took a deep breath, we need freedom from segregation and racism,”

“Now hold on a minute, simmer down,” momma interrupted, “not this talks in front of Jimmie. Jimmie, she shouted, finish doodling in that red notebook of yours, never mind what yo brother saying.

Let us speak on happy things. I made some eggs & biscuits. How about you have a seat and tell me about the little lady you are seeing at Jackson State”

Charlie shook his head slowly. Momma walked over & touched his shoulder gently. “Come on son, tell me some good news. You know we all are proud” …

Charlie hit the table this is good news.

“This is good news,” Charlie proclaimed. She kissed his head and gingerly said, “I know.”

I lower my head with my pencil firmly in hand. Just staring at my small black notebook pondering about my brother and his future.

We lived & own our small farm. We grew vegetables and raised chickens on it. I went to school and spent my time playing baseball, drawing, and gathering eggs. Growing up it was just us three. Momma worked long hours at her varies jobs. My momma is known as a jack of all trades. She was the white folks cook, seamstress, cotton picker. Charile pities momma though. He said Momma could not go to school because she needed to help at home and that the schoolhouse was some 7 miles away. The walk was hard because she aint have good shoes moreover work was more important than going to school. See you could do nothing in the fields when it rained so that when Momma went to school. But as the sun rises and dried everything off, she was backed to the fields. Everyone had to pull their weight at home cause granddad and grandma could not enter places and seek jobs that paid more. Working the fields were there only options for money. Since they got so little money momma had to work too. Charlie used to say momma went along to school with him until she learned to read the bible better and he could not understand how white kids job was to go to school and learn all you could and Negros spent their lifetime working in the fields.

Charlie got different plans.

“Little brother I’m play baseball professionally. Baseball is going to serve as a steppingstone for furthering Blacks civil rights and integrating blacks into society. I want to not only change the stereotype that blacks are inferior but earn enough money so I can take care of you and momma.”

Charlie said baseball was our way out. Charlie always say he was a good player, but I was exceptional. I say I learned from the best. Charlie bragged to his coaches how I was the best shortstop. I agreed my throwing arm was strong, my reflexes fast but not like Charile. I thought of myself as the next Ernie Banks. But deep down I thought Charlie was a better player. Charlie was a left-handed slugger who hit powerful home runs. His hit was like a lightning bolt. Charlie could play any position well and excelled defensively.

Momma hated baseball though. She did not want us kids to take it too seriously. She ignored the praises we received and if anyone ever suggested that we were the next Jackie Roberson or Larry Doby she would shut them down real fast. My sons gonna be teachers or lawyers, they ain't gonna play no dam baseball. She believed the cost of integration was too high of a price and if we played baseball professionally society, fans and even the players would turn against us black folks. Whenever, Charlie talked bout his dreams of going to the major leagues or bring up that scouts were looking at him.

She said, "God gave you many talents and baseball is all well and good. If you were white then its ok but baby society has deemed you as a Negro and if you get the opportunity to play baseball for them, white folks they gonna make yo life miserable. Don't you understand that traveling to these cities is risking yo life for a game? Moreover, can you turn the other cheek to racial hostility? You will not be able to stay in the hotels or eat at the restaurants. This racism is to deep it’s for the best if we black people be seen and not heard.”

Charlie however was not discouraged by her words. He knew death threats insults, and discriminatory practices were a way of life for those persons who did common things in an uncommon way. I think momma admired his determination and fearless nature but her apprehension over retaliation and reluctance to change made her anxiety and worried all the time. At home, her anxious personality often clashes with Charlie's head strong personality. When Charlie was away at school momma spent many hours worrying for his safety.

After church we all gather at the dinner table momma prepare this huge dinner because Charlie was leaving to head back to school tomorrow. As I passed the lemonade, Charlie stood up.

“I got some news ya. Momma, I am not going back to school. I got a written offer to play professional baseball for a minor league team.”

“What team, what team?” I happily shouted.

Glad you asked little brother, I got a written offer from the St Louis Cardinal to play for the Harlen Smokies. I accepted the contract for

a salary of 600 monthly.”

“Way to go man I'm so happy, I boasted. I cannot wait to tell everyone. I cannot wait till school tomorrow. I am telling Freddie my classmate and Old Man Smith. We are so proud .... big brother. I got something for you. I ran like my foot was on fire to retrieve my red notebook. I gave it to Charlie.

“Here!! I exclaimed. Promise to keep it always.”

“I will Jimmie”. He hugged me so tight and whispered in my ear. “I love you and take care of momma till I come back.”

“Can you believe it momma, Charlie going to play for the Harlen Smokies! A black man playing in the league he going to be famous and rich.”

I contemplate to myself, he going to change the racial divide.

“That what I'm talking about little brother it about more than the game of baseball. I'm doing this for you Jimmie for everyone to get a fair chance in life.”

“Don’t say a word, hear me boy!” Momma interrupted.

“You don't know what this can bring on our family. Some folks might get jealous and hurt you. “

“You are not taking this offer, Charlie. What about finishing school momma cried? What about yo family and friends you going to leave behind. Did you think about us? Most of all did you give any thought to ya safety!”

Charlie looked perplexed as he fell back in the chair. He did not say a word. The room became still. The sun started to set. It was so quite all you heard was crickets chirping. Momma gave no eye contact. Charlie just stared at his food. We all set in our chairs quietly moving the fork over our plates. Momma held her head down I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. Tears of joy I perceived. We all knew tomorrow Charlie was leaving and despite the inevitable racial backlash we are all so immensely proud of him. This is the right move for are family I thought, Momma could not deny this. Finally change has come.