Don't be an Outlaw, Mom!

Mother-in-laws have been the brunt of many a rude joke and ever so many complaints. Both sons-in-law and daughters-in-law have mistreated these wonderful women as much as they have been mistreated, so I guess the playing field is level.

But over the 15+ years I have been married to Drew (we’ll call him “Drew” to protect the probably not-so-innocent), I’ve never felt anything but love for his mother and haven’t received anything less than kindness from her … until lately.

A few days ago, I received a letter from my mother-in-law. As my husband has been laid off work for over 6 months and found temporary employment in her neighborhood, he’s been living weekdays with her and home most weekends. This has been going on for a little less than 3 months and thus far, I thought he was welcome, and she was happy to help.

Just for the record, we made sure her car (the car she claims will be his “when she goes”) is on full, she is paid back for any groceries bought to feed her son AND he does household and outdoor chores for her, which is only fair.

When Drew’s dad passed away a couple of years ago, “Mom” began to change. When my husband's father was alive, she was quiet, soft-spoken, always positive, upbeat and never critical. But when her husband left for a more eternal home, her way of living began to change – not so much because she missed him, but because she was able to speak her mind and have her way.

That is okay; I love to do that, too. But since she either may never have liked me and kept it well-hidden or her son has chatted too much and too negatively about our home life, the letter I received showed me a side of her most daughters-in-law would prefer not to see.

My wonderful grandmother used to say there are three sides to every story: my side, your side and the truth which usually falls somewhere in the middle. And I have to say I have never heard her speak so much as an unkind word about any of her sons or daughters-in-law! To me, my grandmother (God rest her soul; she passed at age 106) is a saint.

As an in-law myself, I know when I have overstepped my bounds with my son-in-law and should have kept quiet – even if I didn’t. I also know how to keep my peace and make peace if I have disturbed it. My children who live in their own homes need to do things their way, and I understand that – even if I may not agree with it.

I am big on communication, but there are times when a mother-in-law should never offer advice until asked; and sometimes not even then. How to raise children and taking care of finances are at the top of that list. While there are no “how-to” manuals that arrive in the mail when you first become a mother-in-law, there ARE some guidelines you need to abide by if you are going to develop and maintain a happy and healthy relationship with your grown children and their mates.

Here are my TOP TWELVE “picks” – guidelines for keeping the peace and making sure your place in your grown children’s lives is a harmonious one. Being a helpful and loving mother-in-law is a learned skill – trust me.

#1 – NEVER offer advice unless asked - especially where child-rearing and finances are concerned. WITH FINANCES: I do not care if your adult child owes you ten dollars or ten thousand dollars; if you’ve loaned or gifted them with money in a time of need, pat yourself on the back and thank the good Lord you were able to help while here on this earth. But that does not entitle you to meddle. If you see your daughter-in-law has purchased a new purse you do not think she needs and it rankles you because (when you were her age) you kept track of every stick of gum you purchased, KEEP QUIET. I do not care if it is verbal, emailed, written in a letter, or sent up in a smoke signal, do NOT tell your daughter (or son) -in-law how to spend or not spend money. *If your child owed you money BEFORE they married (or worse yet, from a previous marriage), there is no reason to expect your new son-in-law or daughter-in-law should have to “pay up.” WITH KIDS: You were raised one way; you raised YOUR children another and your children will raise their children according in their own way – let their conscience be their guide and forget about sharing your viewpoint unless asked.

As Susan Lieberman explains in her book The Mother-in-Law’s Manual: Creating Relationships That Work for Ourselves and Our Children, the top ten recommendations for mother-in-law rules are: 1. Keep your mouth shut. (2. Keep your mouth shut. … 10. Keep your mouth shut.) You get the picture.

#2 – Set boundaries about grandchildren. If you like to babysit, great; still set boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of. If you have decided you’re done “raising kids” and don’t want bothered, nicely inform your grown child and his/her spouse that you prefer not to babysit unless it’s for an emergency (hopefully you will help during an emergency).

#3 – If you choose to participate with grandchildren do NOT belittle their parents or their parent’s efforts and that includes not spoiling them. I used to think that old saying about how great it is to be a grandparent because you can spoil the grandkids then send them home was funny until I became a grandparent. This situation is not appreciated by anyone I know.

#4 – Never send a letter or card that excludes your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, unless it is a birthday card or other special correspondence.

#5 – Treat your son-in-law or daughter-in-law the same as you do your grown child … and be sure to extend this to all the grandkids as well, biological, or not.

#6 – Never just “stop by” for a visit; always call ahead, first – even if it is on your cell phone while you’re driving up their street. Before you pull up to their house, make certain it is an okay time and you’ll be welcome.

#7 – Do not expect your grown son or daughter (or their spouse) to phone you a lot, visit every weekend or include you on all family vacations – and limit your calls to about once weekly, if that. Email and/or letters are just as nice and usually regarded as less obtrusive forms of communication. Frequent phone calls can insinuate you are clingy, still want to be in control or just plain nosey.

#8 – If your son or daughter lets you know there’s trouble brewing at home, do NOT take sides. This is the most dangerous ground a mother-in-law can tread upon. Being neutral allows for the couple in question to develop good communication skills; if they need an intermediary, leave that job to an uninvolved third party, such as a counselor. Whatever you think you know, it is not enough to handle these situations. Your “help” in these matters WILL land you in a heap of misery. Hear me when I say you do NOT have the skills required for this job!

Didn’t anyone hear me when I screamed “Shark!?”

#9 – Always be appreciative of the efforts made by your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Do not berate them or their good intentions and if it is a gift you feel they can’t afford, keep your mouth shut, except to say, “Thank you”. There is nothing worse than the left-handed “thank-you, but you shouldn’t have; you can’t afford to do this” kind of remark. Or worse yet, “I’m going to shop for your family for Christmas, but don’t you bother; I know money is tight right now” or another malarkey. This kind of a statement does NOT make you appear saintly.

#10 – NEVER allow other family members to cause your son-in-law or daughter-in-law (OR their children) to feel uncomfortable / unwelcome. If sonny has a sister with a continual wedgie and a frown, tell your daughter to smile and be nice or stay home when your son and daughter-in-law are expected to visit. Likewise, if daughter has a brother with dogs, he insists bringing with him when he visits you and your son-in-law happens to be allergic to animal hair, request that your son put his “big boy” pants on and leave the animal/s at home. This is plain rude behavior between siblings. I love animals, especially dogs; but people still rate a few notches higher!

#11 – Never insist – and try your best to be flexible. You may be the master of your empty nest now, but when the chickadees and their spouses come home to visit, treat them as the honored and respected guests they are.

#12 – Communicate lovingly; if your feelings are hurt or you feel something is amiss, kindly let your son-in-law or daughter-in-law know without anger or a tone of blame. Just talk and forge a strong bond of peace rather than a wall of enmity. Prayer before speaking always helps me to know what needs communicated – and especially what does NOT.

There are a dozen ways to say, “I love you, son-in-law / daughter-in-law.”

Be the rainbow, not the rain on your adult child’s parade.