Do You Suffer from Depleted Grandmother Syndrome?

You want to help your adult children. You want to spend more time with your grandkids. So when you daughter asked you to care for her children while she’s at work, you didn’t even hesitate…Of course, yes, you would be delighted.

And that is where the problems started. At first, the arrangement was really fun, and rewarding. Then, as the weeks went on, you began to feel tired, often overwhelmed and overworked.

Psychologists call this Depleted Grandparent Syndrome, or basically burnout from the stress of raising children when you were supposed to be looking forward to your “golden” years. Is that even a thing?

Well, it won’t be if you spend all your days taking care of children instead of enjoying life. And of course you can do both, but spending time with your grandchildren is supposed to be on your terms. It’s not a job you planned to sign up for, one that you can’t get out of because your daughter depends on you.

You could straight up, tell her that you are exhausted and would be glad to help out with the kids on a part-time basis, but this arrangement is too much. And you go over and over in your head, how you will tell her that you don’t want to be a full-time babysitter anymore…but the guilt is eating you up.

In this Reddit thread, the OP faces this same problem:

“My dilemma is whether or not to offer babysitting when I retire. The baby’s parents have demanding careers and I know the world is a tough place right now for young adults and new parents. Babysitting would offer them massive peace of mind and save them a lot of money. While they’ve never asked me directly, it’s kind of come up in passing.

However, I am not sure that I want to babysit!!! Babies and kids generally give me anxiety, I love them in manageable doses lol.

I’m stressed because this is definitely something I could do – but I also envision traveling, volunteering, and starting hobbies in my retirement.

Can anyone relate to this – what did you do?”

The commenters were basically in agreement: Tell your daughter that you will provide back-up babysitting, but don’t do it everyday. Otherwise you will begin to resent your own child, and possibly damage the relationship.

In this article, Dr. Robert Ritzemma suggests that you talk to your daughter and son-in-law and set boundaries:

1. Tell them that you need notice ahead of time-that they can’t call at the last minute.

2. You will help with the children but there are limits. (And spell out what those limits are.) After all, you have a life too.

3. (And I love this one.). Tell your kid that you need their help as well. Appreciation of course, but also a little gas money or handyman services around your house, etc.

Dr. Ritzemma calls it ”love with limits.” Exactly! You love your children and grandchildren but you never want to feel taken advantage of. You have a hugely important role in the family, but full time babysitter is not one of them.

Above all, don’t feel guilty. I am not a grandparent yet, but I was raised with that “eager to please” mentality, and I don’t like conflicts. And I really don’t like disappointing people.

But I also don’t want to short-change my retirement years by missing out on the things that we looked forward to doing. So when the time comes, my husband and I will be there for our grandchildren, but will stand firm if we feel like our own needs are being put on the back burner.