Do We Want Kids Free and Responsible Or Unfree And Obedient?

People are usually confused about freedom. They think it's a situation in which you do whatever you want, to whomever you want, without boundaries or caring about the consequences. So, they (unintentionally) train their kids to be obedient, trapped in behavioral molds, and moved by stereotypes. They prefer it this way, instead of letting children remain free (as they come to this world). Because they forget, or they don't know the one thing that could teach them to "use" freedom well: Responsibility.

I remember an article I once have read, in which a psychologist was wondering "Since when we let children tell us how to be as parents"? And I respond: OF COURSE children can teach us how to be as parents! And how to be good parents. Good for them, "suitable" for them. Specifically for each one of them, because each one is a unique creature. Somewhere in that article, the writer said: "If we let children decide, they will be in front of a television all day long, eating pizza".

The children who stay in front of a television or another screen all day or the children who prefer to be bent over a smartphone for hours are usually children who haven't been given other options in their early years. When we put a baby in front of a TV for 4-5 hours per day because we can't stand playing with them, and we want to do other stuff, a habit is established. If we want to change that when they become 6 years old, of course, it is not easy. We may have lost that train.

Furthermore, when a 10-year-old child sees the mother and the father spend 1/3 of their time in front of the Facebook page, it's difficult for those parents to train the child for the opposite. Kids don't do what we say to them. They do what they see us doing.

And then, when ...the ship has sailed, we demand from them to obey and do what we think it's the right thing (but we didn't show it to them with our behavior first). We train them to obey and this is something that leads (later on) to either becoming over-obedient or going to the other edge.

How could we give them freedom without making them ego-centered, indifferent to the consequences of their actions and the community/collective/society as a whole? By teaching them that freedom goes with responsibility, that every choice has consequences, and by training them to take responsibility for their actions. Of course, first, we ourselves must do that, too. Because, unfortunately, most adults make a choice or a decision, expecting/hoping/demanding to take only the pleasant things that accompany it.

When a child says "No, I'm not going to bed", we generally have two options. We can either argue and force them to go to bed, or we can say "OK, you are free to choose". When the next day he/she will be tired at noon or in a bad mood or cannot wake up in the morning, we can say "OK, as you saw, when we don't get enough sleep, we wake up tired, and we may be tired all day long. This is something that goes with the choice of going to bed late. The choice always has a package of things that go with it, and we can't take only some of them. We take the whole package". This is much better than "I told you so! Your mother/father knows best".

When a child says "I'm not tidying up my room", we can either argue or we can say "OK, you are free to choose". But, when he/she will not be able to walk in the room, or he/she will step on a toy and break it or can't find a toy they want, we say "OK, as you saw, when we choose to have all our things on the floor, we may break one by stepping on it and maybe we can't find something when we need it. You are free to choose but remember that choice always has a few things that go with it, and we can't take only some of them. We take the whole package".

If your child says "No, I won't listen to you. I like beating up and I will beat up my schoolmates every day", you may say "This is not appropriate", "The good kids don't do that" etc., but this means nothing to a child. What you can try instead, is explaining that if he/she will choose that, it means that this is how he/she sees freedom. And implies that this "definition" of freedom stands for everybody. So, the schoolmates will also have the right to answer back. Help the kid see the way one's freedom is connected to the freedom of others.

The list of examples can go on and on. The point is, that if we just demand from the kids to do what we say, they may obey, but they won't have understood what or why they did it something, they won't have seen the options, they won't have chosen consciously. And this behavior will follow them in their lives.

When my son was four and a half years old and started swimming lessons, he used to growl in winter because we needed too much time to dry up his long hair before leaving the natatorium. So, the second time he did that, I asked "Christos, who decided for you to have long hair"? "Me", he answered. "OK. Why did you choose that"? "Because I like them and I feel better with my hair long". "Good for you. Now, listen, you have to know that long hair necessarily goes with more drying uptime. You can't have the one without the other. If those reasons you mentioned are important to you, you will accept more drying up time that accompanies them. If someday those reasons aren't so important to you anymore, and the long drying up time is unbearable, you can cut your hair. Until then, you will enjoy your choice with the whole package of consequences that goes with it. Is that clear"? He understood.

This way, gradually and with consistency and patience, we help children understand that they were the ones who chose. They didn't do something that someone else forced them to do. They learn by their experience, what freedom of choice means. Of course for each of the cases, you will have to repeat the procedure because it needs repetition to be understood by kids not only mentally but as a living experience as well. But, from time to time, you will see results.

Let's grow up future adults who will not have learned to just obey somebody else and feel like puppets, but to freely listen to themselves, coordinate with theirinner wise system, and take responsibility for their actions.