Did I ever tell you….

Hey mom, I never told you this but….. I never really wanted to have kids.

I did not like babysitting. I did not like babies. I did not yearn to start a family. I could have lived without having kids. But I did. I did decide to have kids and now I get it. I get why people want to have kids, I get why people yearn to have kids and I also completely understand those people who didn’t want to and didn’t end up having kids.

Mom, why did you have kids? Was it because that was the way it was, were you expected to or did you really want them. It was a differnt time, a time when you had the choice. The choice to be anything, not just a mom and housewife. Careers, kids, and family, every opportunity was an option. But did you really want kids? And I don’t mean us - my brother and I, because of course you would want us after you met us. But I mean before, before knowing us did you want little people in your life who were completely dependant on you? Did you want to have a couple decades of being completely responsible for people before they became adults? Did you want to have your life organized around and decisions made always having to do it around ’the kids’.

I know what you would say if I asked, you would say “but of course, we wanted YOU. We planned to have YOU and we loved YOU the moment we knew you were coming.” Because that is what moms are supposed to say right?!? But now I get it, because that is true. All of that is true, moms love immediately, whole heartedly and forever.

Mom, when I told you I was not feeling maternal and that I didn‘t think it was for me do you remember what you told me? You told me not to worry. You told me that it would happen. You told me there was nothing like looking into the little face of your baby. Mom, you were right. Because now I understand that completely deep sensation of loving someone in a way that you never knew you could. Looking into the little face of the little person you made and the rush of emotions and hormones that come with that moment. I didn’t think it was for me. I didn’t think being a mom was for me. But it was. It is. It’s worth it. I adore my kids.

But Mom, I also have those moments of what if I didnt have kids…… how would my life be different now. Better? Worse? Same? And there is a deep sense of guilt of even thinking that way. Guilt of having bouts of jealousy over the friends and acquaintences who didn’t have kids and the life they have. Is it a better life? Are they happier? Does that couple argue over little things like who is doing the laundry or cooking dinner? Because they don’t negotiate who is picking up kids, nor do they have family size vehicles with car seats and an assortment of snacks all over the floor. And neither of them has to cut their day short or manage their time as your life changes with having kids.

Mom, do you feel the same? Did you ever think the same things? Even though I go through these moments, I have no regrets and would not do anything different a second time around. The grass may be greener on the other side, but the grass is still green on my side. And the closer my kids get to flying the coup, I realize how much I will miss them when they leave the nest and fly into the world. Into the world to figure out if they will have their own kids or not. If they ask, I can tell them both decisions are right.