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Dear Grandma Vicky...

The things I could never Say...

By Ashley WentzPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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Dear Grandma Vicky,

There are so many things I haven't been able to tell you... Things I couldn't show you... We ran out of time so quickly I didn't even realize how quickly it would go...

Growing up you were always there for us... day or night... when we had to run and hide... when we wanted to visit and laugh... getting off the bus and walking down the long gravel drive... riding horses or swimming in the pool... shucking corn for the pigs or helping water the gardens...

There are so many things in my life that still have an essence of you... seeing roses... finding old Welches' glasses at Goodwill... collecting books and listening to music... You're always there on the wind...

Sometimes I can't believe you're gone... even after more than 10 years I'll still come to the realization I can't just drive to the farm on a hot day and sit with you and help fill the bird feeders... We can't just make some pop corn and watch musicals... I can't call you crying or excited...

I'll never see you hold my son... even after all of those young years of me telling you I'll never have children... but I know that when you left us you found him and waited with him till it was time for him to come to us... I know this for a fact because at the age of three he helped plant a garden... and the way he held the little plants and talked with them as he planted them into the earth all I saw was you... Every movement and word was you, the way I always watched you planting things over the years I did have with you...

You know... it took me a very long time to be able to enjoy my birthday again... you spend all of your young years having the same routine for your birthday... go to the farm, set up, have the friends show up and just have a long day grilling out, swimming and everything in between. Then a few days later help get the pool ready for the winter hibernation till it's summer again... It was very hard for me when I got to my second birthday in high school and instead of planning a pool party, we're planning your funeral... Instead of being excited for my birthday it was actually very painful to think about... You passed not even a week away from my birthday... and that was the first year I didn't know what to do... quite frankly I didn't want to do anything but hide... I couldn't shake the aches and the pains from it... and eventually I was drug to the fair so my friends could cheer me up... It didn't really help...

Seeing you so sick in the end... I could never understand it... I remember hearing about you having doctor's appointments but was told not to worry about them that everything would be fine "no worries"... I went to Disney World with some friends... we were in line for The Tower of Terror probably our 3rd time in line, as it was my favorite... and I had the sudden urge to call Mom... I was so excited and started telling her about my day... but I could tell something was off in her voice... Finally I asked what was wrong... She didn't want to tell me but it was to late now she knew I wouldn't leave it alone... and she told me you were in the hospital... those tests I was told not to worry about we should have done sooner, but you wouldn't slow down long enough to take them earlier than you did...

I remember you being in the hospital for so long... Mom and Dad were never home they bounced between work and being with you while I stayed home with my siblings... church members constantly brought food and offered rides... The worry was setting in... You were slowing down... My uncle set up a Blog so your friends and family could keep up to date on everything that was going on... You started going in and out of the ICU.... We all had to suit up to see you... I only went in once... You held my hand and called me "Victoria"... you didn't realize I wasn't my younger sister... You thought you were there for so long she was grown... You even asked where I was... You were worried I was on the run away trail never to be heard from again... That was the last time I could bear to see you in that shape... Mom would come home talking about she had to chase and remind Nurses to get you your medicines... The hospital was starting to treat you like a lost cause... but our family wasn't having it...

After many months... you slipped away... Mom and Dad came home and sat all of us down and said "Finally, after so long the numbers were finally getting better the way we wanted them." We thought was was the end... But looking at the faces of our parents we realized... It wasn't... you had passed away... I felt my core break when we heard it... after fighting for so long there wasn't anything left...

At your funeral I regret looking in the casket, because that wasn't you... the medicines had made you swell so much... even though in life you were so petite and active... It didn't even look real... I remember Brittney holding my arm and staying close... she was practically your extra granddaughter after all, and we stood with her grandfather as he sighed and said, "I'm not going to look at her... I don't want the image I have of her to change..." And he walked away. Brittney and I stood together and she said, "I wish we had something to put in with her..." After a moment we each took a few of our strands of hair and tied them together and set them in with you near your hand... I sat with Kayla through the funeral and I couldn't do anything but lean on her and cry... I'm sure I soaked her sleeve but she stayed right there with me squeezing my hand...

We all drove to the graveyard and it was interesting because for some reason half of the roads we passed had yard sales. I remember Mom saying, "Now, Mom, no pulling over we don't have time to check what they have out here." You were the queen of yard sales and being thrifty. I always think of the old Target Black Friday commercials with the one lady running on the tradmill with shopping bags or being wrapped in a blanket of alarm clocks, they always made me think of you and when you'd get the extra alarm clocks specifically for Black Friday sales just to return the clocks a week later. At the gravesite I don't really remember much, but one thing I do remember was Victoria. Tiny as she could be kept wandering to a tree that used to be near you and dancing with the leaves that had fallen to the ground. We swore it was you having one last dance party... Many nights after that we would hear Donovan laughing in his crib and his turtle toy would randomly light up without being touched...

It took a long time for me to heal from the ache you left in me... I didn't really celebrate my birthday for a long time, I would go out for Black Friday even though I never bought anything I would just watch people... Dad has a few of your rose bushes planted, as much as he tries they haven't grown into your blue ribbon winners they used to be. We even tried to use old veggie and noodle water for them... None of us have the green thumb you did...

You were so brilliant at everything you did... gardening, running a business, writing, you volunteered for EVERYTHING from simple church things to going on archelogical digs, but always close to home. You made the best blankets for all of us. Threw super bowl parties with all of the works, I have never been to another one like yours. Every holiday was dressed to impress ESPECIALLY Christmas. How youd have both living rooms decortated with full trees and the dining room set up. Your village in the 2nd living room with all its little people wandering the streets.

Your home was always so warm and magical, you were always the strongest woman I ever knew... even close to the end you were fighting... We all miss you and your strength but we will see you again. I just hope we all are able to make you proud and we'll be able to sit and talk and tell you about our adventures, maybe we'll be able to have a few more together.

We love you Grandma... See you when we see you...

grandparents
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About the Creator

Ashley Wentz

Irish Gypsy Wife. I write, sing, dance. My family loves different books, shows, movies, video games, and music. We love life and do our best to live it to the fullest every day.

Twitter MamaPanda.13 @AshleyWentz1

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