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Dear Daughter

Your impact is greater than you can even imagine

By Jordan CasarezPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Blessed is an understatement 

Dear daughter,

I was only 23 and I had NO clue what to do upon your birth. I remember you were brought into this world by a young man who hadn’t figured out his own path in this world, but was determined to show you love that no other man could show you.

The drive home was slow and careful as to make sure that I got you home safe and sound. The nights were late as I stayed up prepared for your 3AM feeding time. I would listen to you cry as I changed your diaper with a sense of uncertainty because I had no idea if I was the man for the job.

Your precious smile and eyes would stare at me as I fed you your bottle which softened my heart with every second that would pass. I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to be a father but I was determined not to fail you.

Those late nights became harder to stay awake because I’d worked many hours so I could try to give you the world. Even though most days I’d start at 6AM, I’d fight to stay awake to feed you your bottle and fall asleep with you. I wanted you to feel me as your security blanket against any nightmare and know that daddy was here to protect you from harm.

Even when you had to stay a few nights in the hospital to get rid of your jaundice, I stayed up with you.

“Leave her under the light as long as possible,” the doctors instruct.

I’d do my very best, but watching you cry as you lay under that lamp weakened me more and more. In the later hours, I’d carry you and talk to you just to let you know I’m here and I’m not leaving your side.

Once you’d calm down and return to you beautiful sleep, I’d sit down. Hopeless and broken that my baby has to stay under a lamp to remove a condition I didn’t even fully understand... I’d cry and pray to god for your recovery.

Dear Daughter,

You’re a year old now. Those days of you fitting in my arms are slowly ticking away though I cherish the moment when I come home from work just to watch you laugh, get grouchy, and fall asleep with you on my chest.

Fatigue and frustration set in as I work hard and play harder. The man you knew as daddy was unsure how to balance his life between work, home and a social life. Yet, I am still here... kind of.

You slowly start to walk and I can’t be more excited. However, daddy is called back to do his job so he can try to give you the world he thinks you deserve. Not realizing that I am slowly losing myself to obsessively go after a goal.

You motivate me.

Heartbreak

Dear daughter,

I’ve failed you.

I couldn’t keep my promise of never leaving your side. My mistakes and decisions lead me to lay in a bed... alone. I no longer hear you fussing at night, longing to be held and rocked to sleep by the man you once called daddy.

I’ve lost you.

I only see you once every 3 to 4 months. You’re now 3—soon to be 4—and when I have time with you it’s because your “Ammy” had already picked you up and called me to come see you.

You say you miss me and love me and I smile and respond “I love you” and “I’ll always be here for you,” but when I leave I don’t know the WHEN.

The man you once knew as daddy has become a stranger. I still love you. I just don’t know if I deserve you. I contemplate at my lowest moments that maybe you’d be happier without me because I’m never there anyways.

I’m stuck in this rut of negativity and selfishness and only wish for more days which I don’t deserve because of my actions and my fear of rejection to see you. So I stay in this rut, grab that bottle of whiskey and drink myself numb.

I still love you but daddy is hurting.

Revival

My Dear Daughter,

I’ve decided I am going to stop the bullshit and madness. I’m leaving my passion and getting a different job so I may spend more time with you. You’re so grown now and in preschool, which means I need to be there for you.

You’re all I think about as I work because I can’t wait to pick you up from school and ask how your day went. Just listening to you ramble on and on fills my heart with so much joy. Though I’m still fighting my own demons internally, I make sure you know that the man you called daddy is fighting.

You, my dear daughter, are my northern star.

Precious moments

My dearest daughter,

I love you more than anything in this world. You’ve gain new siblings when daddy married your step mom and all we want to do is include you in our life.

We’re your family. We love you. We want to spend moments with you even though life doesn’t always allow it.

Your sister was born and the smile you have when you see her and talk to her is so amazing to see. It brings me joy every time I see you staying by her side and just talking to her. It reminds me of how I was. It reminds me that you bring me life and that I am blessed to have you in my life.

You and your siblings keep me moving forward and move me to be better. You’ve helped me become a better man because, when I was at my lowest, I thought of you.

My beautiful daughter

I love you. I always have and always will. Your father no longer desires to give you a world he thinks you deserve. He no longer desires to work countless hours.

I, as your father, long for time, time spent with you. Time to hear you talk my ear off, laugh, and even grumble with me until you get your way. Time spent seeing you play, be lazy, eat ice cream, or play with my filters on IG.

I long for more time by your side. More time talking to you. More time loving you.

After everything I’ve put you through/ been through, I desire those little things. Those little moments.

I desire, my beautiful baby girl, to give you the world you deserve... a world with you father there to support you, hug you, kiss you, and treat you better than any other person in the world. Most importantly, a world where I love you with everything I’ve got!

I love you my daughter!

children
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About the Creator

Jordan Casarez

Owner of JuggernautSC LLC on Oahu, HI. I grew up playing sport(mostly baseball and football) and have been a performance coach at for over 8 years.

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