Dealing with Toxic Family During the Holidays

by: E.B. Johnson

Let’s face it, while you’re busy making plans — they’re busy preparing their critiques for you (and your life). Your toxic family doesn’t really care if you have a good Christmas, a good Hanukkah, or anything else. No. When it comes to the holiday season, the abusive, toxic, regressive family only cares about their image, their feelings, or the image they’re trying to project. Your surviving the next month is going to require adopting a new perspective. But more than that, it’s going to require acceptance. Acceptance of them, acceptance of you…and acceptance of everything you will never be.

Your toxic family doesn’t care if you enjoy the holidays.

You know it. I know it. Your happiness is not their top priority — and it never has been. If your toxic family cared about your happiness, they would take steps to heal the wounds between you. When that doesn’t happen, any “connection” is the same-old thing. Getting summoned home for the holidays has little to do with you and your needs. It has everything to do with their ego and the image they desire to project to the world.

They care about their needs

Calling you home for Christmas has very little to do with making you feel good or comforted this season. When we’re talking toxic families, it’s (more often than not) about catering to the needs of whoever is in charge of the power structure. They may like the feeling of having their children or family around them and summon everyone back to hold a grand holiday spectacle (which is really more of a court).

They care about their image

While it hurts to hear, the grand family Christmas or holiday celebration is often little more than a projection. The toxic family (especially those within the realm of narcissism) has a compulsive need to project the image of the perfect and connected family. It helps to conceal abuse, but more than that, it allows abusers to protect their egos and the precious sense of self they cling to.

They want to get at you

The holidays are a sensitive time. We tend to romanticize and fantasize, and that’s encourage in almost every respect. This creates the perfect ground, however, for the toxic family to seep in. As you become nostalgic and hopeful for the season, your abusive or narcissistic family can use the opportunity to control you or take hits at you. When you’re trapped with them, it becomes a perfect time to punish you or use you as the scapegoat.

They want to compare notes

Really toxic individuals struggle when it comes to those closest to them. Their egos drive them to compete even with their own children, and the people that they “love”. The holiday gives them a chance to check in. Rather than considering how your experience is, they summon to back home to make sure you’re doing worse than they are. Or at the very least, that you’re not doing any better than them.

They care about their guilt

Not all toxic families use their holiday connections for ill intent. In some instances, our abusers and toxic parents and siblings wake up. They realize the wrongs and they work to fix them. Others simply wake up and react from a place of guilt. Wanting to make up for the years of pressure and upset, they can go above and beyond to create a holiday celebration that allows them to assuage that guilt.

They care about your children

Frankly, your toxic or abusive may care little about your presence. For them, it may have more to do with your children and the family that you’re building. Perhaps they’re trying to correct their mistakes through a new relationship as grandparents. Or maybe they want to enforce their point of view on a new generation. The reasons differ from toxic family to toxic family, individual to individual.

How to handle a toxic family at Christmas.

Is your family toxic? Abusive? Narcissistic? There are steps you can take to protect yourself through the holiday season, but it requires you to step up to the plate and act in the name of your wellbeing. First, you must accept what you have and stop expecting something different. Then you can avoid the pettiness, stick to your limits, and let go of the things that are too toxic to be borne.

1. Stop expecting them to change

Too many get roped into tragic family holidays hoping it will all be different. Maybe they think that this will be the year that it all turns around; they think that this will be the year they prove their worth or lovability. In all cases, we end up disappointed. Your toxic family isn’t going to change. And it’s high time you stop expecting it to happen. When you expect the impossible, you set yourself up for heartbreak and failure. Neither does you well.

Stop expecting your family to change. That Hallmark family will not happen. You’re going to have to let it go. This will not be “the Christmas”. There is no fairy godmother or magical wand that is going to be waved and magically fix the biases, personality disorders, and underlying traumas that haven’t been addressed.

Your family is what it is. Begging them, or playing perfect, won’t make that different. It’s time for you to grow up and see them as they are. Once you’ve accepted them, you can start making plans to secure your own wellbeing throughout the holidays. See the conflict and the upsets for what they really are. Raised voices? Accusations? Harmful teasing? None of these things are “normal” in family dynamics, nor do they have to be tolerated.

2. Commit to avoid the pettiness

Commit to avoid the pettiness and the drama this holiday season. You’re not entitled to play their games. You don’t have to feed into the goading, even if you have to show up for presents and dinner. It’s a promise you can make to yourself. All the issues can be side-stepped, and if they can’t, then you can remove yourself. You’re an adult. The childhood dynamics no longer apply — no matter what your toxic family may think.

If they corner you into a fight, leave the room. If they tease you, make fun of the life that you’re building, make the choice to set a boundary or walk away. Descending into anything less than that is a waste of time and a waste of energy. You’re only breaking your own heart by actively engaging in conflict with toxic and abusive family. Stand strong, and value your peace and your wellbeing over their hangups and insecurities. There’s always a choice in engaging on their terms. Choose to do it differently.

3. Stick to serious time limits

Time limits are one of the most practical ways to help you deal with a toxic family during the holiday season. You can use these on a couple of different levels and in a couple of different ways. In all instances, however, the point is to limit your exposure and thus the damage that your family can inflict (and vice versa). Think of it like working with a fuse. Your time with your family is a spark. It’s your responsibility to manage the fuse and ensure the ignition doesn’t reach the payload.

Stick to serious time limits when dealing with your toxic family during the holidays. That means that you don’t spend the night on Christmas day if that’s when the big fights usually break out. You need to get a hotel room, set a timer, and give yourself time limits in whatever way is needed.

There’s a short fuse with the toxic family. You have a brief window of time in which you can interact and keep those interactions civil and sufferable. So be honest with yourself. Show up for dinner and don’t stay for dessert. If you’re going to be there for the entire weekend, ensure you have a space of your own in which you can control your environment and discharge. Interactions that are kept appropriately limited or brief allow us to keep our cool and keep focused on how we want to present ourselves.

4. Clarify what’s entirely off-limit

If you decide to go ahead, then make it clear from arrival what’s entirely off limits. You don’t have to put your life on the table for your toxic family to dissect. You don’t have to justify your life or make excuses for who they are. Some things don’t have to be talked about. And, frankly, the entire season might be better for following that ideal. Set limits and guard yourself. Your family doesn’t need or deserve access to your wellbeing.

Before you even arrive, make sure your boundaries are clear and executable. They need to be rooted in your needs and tied into the core of who you are. That’s because you’re going to have to stand up for them. You’re going to have to do battle and draw obvious lines around the things your family doesn’t have access to. It might your relationship, your career, the family you’re building, or anything else. All of it comes down to you and making sure there are boundaries around the behaviors that make you feel safe.

5. Know it’s not a requirement

Listen, we all know that society has really hounded the family idea to death. Since childhood, it’s been drummed into us to be loyal to our families no matter what. “Blood is thicker than water,” and other age-old adages instill us with a sense of shame if we falter or flee. We’ve been taught to believe that loving our families is a requirement, and that showing up for them is a must no matter what. But that simply isn’t true. You don’t have to put yourself out there for people who hurt you. You just don’t.

Know that you don’t have to “go home for the holidays”. There’s no rule that says you have to give your time to toxic people — no matter what time of year it is. Your wellbeing and your safety are more important than anything else. If you are lucky enough to be materially and financially independent of your family, then don’t go slinking back when you don’t have to.

Spend time with your chosen family instead. Honor your mental and emotional wellbeing more than the fantasy you will never achieve. You’ve accepted it. You know who they are by now. They will not change to that Leave it to Beaver family. Things with them will never be smooth or perfect. If the last 20–30 (or even 40 or 50) Christmases have been miserable…this one will be too. If you can’t tolerate, don’t. There’s no rule written or unwritten that says you must suffer for their holiday joy. Prioritize yourself this year for a change.

Putting it all together…

Do you come from a toxic family? The abusive or narcissistic family love to use Christmas as an excuse to continue their toxic routines. While you may look for deep connection, they may look to reopen wounds or settle old scores. It makes the holiday season extra exhausting, but we have to take off the rose-tinted glasses all the same. Your toxic family doesn’t really care if you have a good Christmas. This is all about them. But you can still take steps to protect yourself.

Stop expecting your toxic family to change, even if it’s Christmas. If they are abusive and harmful during the other 11 months of the year, this final push will be no different. Accept them so you can take practical steps to recover and protect yourself. Avoid their pettiness. Don’t feed into the conflicts and the upsets. Give yourself time limits and avoid engaging too long with an environment which triggers you or brings out the worst in your nature. Set boundaries and clarify what’s entirely off limits. Your family doesn’t have a right to harass you or push you around — no matter what time of year it is. If you can’t stand it, don’t. You don’t have to tolerate anyone who hurts you…family included.

• Michalski, J. (2017). The Cumulative Disadvantages of Socially Toxic Family Environments: A Comparison of Early Life Experiences of Incarcerated Men and University Students. Journal Of Cultural Analysis And Social Change, 2(2). doi: 10.20897/jcasc/80926

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