Blessing in Disguise

I used to wonder how people could have kids so close in age. I always had a thousand questions running through my mind like, “Why would someone want to do that to themselves?” and, “How do they deal with all the stress on a daily basis?” None of my business, right? I know a lot of you are thinking, Why is she being so judgmental?

Well one day, I became one of THOSE people. My first baby was barely three months old and I found out I was pregnant AGAIN. There I was, 23 years old with a 3 month old that just got out of the stage where he wakes up every few hours within the night to eat and I already found out I had another one on the way. First thing that crossed my mind was, “Why me!?” Next thing was, “Why does God hate me?”

At the age of 17, I was a senior in high school, had just signed up for the National Guard, and the only things I had to focus on were prom and graduation, or so I thought. One day I found out I was pregnant by a guy who I thought I loved, but I kind of had a feeling it wouldn’t last forever. I had a choice to make... leave the National Guard or wait it out and go back 6 weeks after I had my baby. To me, this was an easy choice. I made the choice of leaving. I knew after I had a baby that there was no way I could just up and leave it to go to basic training, especially with it being my first baby. I would have ended up missing everything. I never would have thought that I could have lost it. A couple of weeks later I was in the hospital being told they couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat. They said I had a miscarriage and needed to have a DNC immediately.

I was broken in ways most people couldn’t imagine. What was I going to do with my life now? I could go back to the National Guard because I was honorably discharged since I was pregnant... but I didn’t want to show my face there again. I was too ashamed. So I decided to stay home and go to a local college, but then decided to take a year off after my third year and ended up never going back.

At the age of 22, I found out I was pregnant again. Of course, once again I ended up in the hospital with the doctors saying I had an incomplete miscarriage and that I just had to let it pass. At this point in time, I had reached an all time low. I started drinking everyday and blaming everyone around me. Why couldn’t I have a baby? Why does God keep punishing me? Why does this keep happening to me? All of these “whys” just running through my head.

A couple of months after my second miscarriage I met a guy that ended up bringing me out of the slump I drug myself in. Once we started dating I felt my whole world flipping back to the way it should be. Until one day when we were at his apartment I got a phone call from the doctor saying I had pre-cancer cells in my cervix and needed to have cryosurgery performed. I was back in my slump once again. I felt like I was on some sort of roller coaster that kept going up and down and around and around.

After my first round of cryo, I was due back for another pap smear to see if the damaged tissue was gone. It wasn’t... but I did receive other news that day as well. Pregnant! I was pregnant. Exciting, right? Wrong... I wasn’t sure how to feel after having two miscarriages. I kept it a secret until we reached the safety mark. So here I was, three months into my pregnancy, and the only person that knew was the father of my child. At this point, everything looked good and I finally started to feel some kind of excitement rather than just numbness and insecurities.

We ended up having a 7 pound 14.8 ounce healthy baby boy. I cried after he was born. I was filled with so much joy and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes upon. I felt like my life was getting so much better.

We went in for our six week check up and scheduled another appointment to do another round of cryosurgery to try to get rid of the rest of the damaged cells. When I went in for the appointment I hadn’t had a period for the month like I was suppose to. I didn’t think anything weird of it because it hadn’t been long after I had my baby and I figured my body was just off balance and needed a little extra help getting back on track. The doctor told me at the end of the month to take a pregnancy test and if it came back negative then she would help me to get my body back on track. So the end of the month came and I took the test... POSITIVE. Oh God, what do I do now? All I could think was there had to be some kind of mistake. I had just had a baby, there was no way I was having another one already. Sure enough, the doctor confirmed that indeed I was pregnant again. All I could think about was why did I have to talk about those other people having kids back to back. Why?

So today here I am, 24 years old with a 15-month-old, blonde hair, blue eyed little boy and a 4-month-old, green eyed, red headed boy with the temper of a grown man. Every day I sit at home with the two of them wondering why I ever thought having two kids so close in age was a bad thing. It’s not. It’s really a blessing in disguise. They will forever have a friend in each other.

Moral of the story...

Don’t judge, don’t let life knock you down, and don’t forget to count your blessings!