Black Ice

“Goodnight, love ya, see ya in the morning,” Julie crooned to each of us. It was her nightly ritual, she couldn’t sleep until she’d sought each of us out and declared her love along with a hug.

“You better go to sleep soon, or Santa won’t stop and leave you gifts,” Dad teased wrapping his arms around Julie, his youngest then her twin brother, Jonas, myself, and my oldest sister, Karolina along with her husband, Chris. We hugged him back then gave a hug to mom and headed up the stairs for bed. We used to bounce up and down those steps on Christmas Eve, full of uncontrollable excitement. That is until mom or dad finally had enough, then we would gather together in one room and keep each other awake for hours wondering what Santa would leave for us. But, we were all teenagers and adults now and too cool or old for such childish displays, so we calmly went to bed keeping the excitement inside.

I lay next to Julie, like I used to, my oldest sister having taken back her room while she and her husband were there for the holiday.

“Viltinga, what do you think we will get for Christmas,” she asked, the bubbling excitement inside seeping out. I rolled over, an excited sigh betraying my I’m not a little kid anymore status.

“I’m not sure, but I hope I get the books and art supplies I asked for,” I said in a whisper.

“Yeah, I hope I get the CD player I wanted. You know we are getting porcelain dolls too, we always get a new one to add to the collection,” Julie replied.

“That’s true,” I confirmed.

“You know what I am most excited for,” Julie began.

I interrupted and finished for her, “That we get to talk to Justinas and Kamile right!”

“YES! I think I’m more excited for that than the gifts we will get!”

“Yeah, it will be neat to hear them and find out what they are doing for Christmas without having to wait for a letter.”

Our older brother and sister were gone on missions for our church and we had not talked to them or seen them in a very long time. We were all excited we would get to visit with them, even if the long distance bill would be a big one. It would be a Christmas gift to us all.

Julie and I laid there visiting until exhaustion finally took over.

She shook me awake before the dim morning light could do the job.

“It’s Christmas, come on let’s get the others,” she exclaimed, bounding out of bed. I followed, still not sure the draw of gifts was worth losing sleep. As always, Julie’s smile and enthusiasm had us all up taking our traditional spot on the steps, while mom and dad went down first to “make sure Santa really did come.”

We sat on the steps teasing one another and giggling together waiting for Dad’s shout of, “you can all just go back to bed there’s nothing in here for you.”

Soon, the words rang up the steps and we all groaned in response waiting for the “ok come on down and see for yourselves,” that always came next, signifying they had cameras ready to record and take pictures. When we were little all six of us would be elbowing our way to the front of the mad dash down the steps and into the living room. Now, we all hurried down but not in the jostling frenzy it once was.

Entering the living room we each sought our pile of treasures, ohhs and ahhs resounding through the room. The next hour was spent examining each gift, dumping out our stocking, and checking out what each other received. “Hey, nice CD player Julie,” I said looking at the large box next to her pile of stocking goodies. She smiled big and pointed out all the neat features on it. After some time enjoying our gifts from Santa we settled around the Christmas tree with twinkling multicolored lights, to dive into the gifts from friends and each other. In the middle of handing out the gifts a ring broke through the excited chatter. Julie jumped up, heading for the phone, screaming with pure delight, “It’s him, it’s got to be Justinas!”

Tearing up mom choked out, “Let dad answer so he can accept the charges.” An hour later we were all crying as we said goodbye a thousand times, after asking a million questions and hearing all about his experiences in Portugal. Eventually we gathered around the tree to finish opening gifts before hunger overtook us.

Kamile called after we’d opened all the gifts and filled ourselves with goodies and sweets. Once again we cried and asked a million questions and said goodbye a thousand times before actually hanging up.

Tears still on our faces we loaded into the car for the drive to see grandparents and share our Christmas cheer with them.

Christmas passed far to quick as always, and knowing our break from school was nearing its end the three of us at home still made the most of our free time. Snow forts were built outside and snowball fights ensued with neighbors and friends. Dad even pulled out the old fridge door and hooked it up to the truck. We held on tight, squeales of terror and delight escaping our lips as he whipped us around corners. If you fell off he’d slow down a little to let you jump back on. Once we were frozen and exhausted we would head inside for hot chocolate and marshmallows.

I spent hours in Julie’s room listening to music on her new CD player, doodling with my art supplies, and visiting with her about the cutest boys in school and who we would want to date.

All too soon the free, fun days were gone and school routines began again. The days seemed darker and colder, the glow of Christmas lights slowly disappeared from homes leaving cold dull gray snow.

We would drive together to drop mom off at the little scrapbook store she owned in town before heading to the high school to hopefully gain an education. Julie’s constant cherry babbling from the backseat made the dark cold mornings seem a little brighter.

January 17 came, a typical Friday, we got ready for the day thrilled we had the weekend ahead of us. “Hey, can I wear this shirt today,” Julie asked me as I combed my curly hair out, trying desperately to make it stay straight like my friend’s hair. “What,” I asked, glancing over my shoulder. “Can I wear this shirt of yours?”

“Oh yeah sure, you might as well keep it, it’s too small for me now anyway.”

“Thanks,'' she exclaimed, pleased as punch as she headed to go change.

We drove into town, the sky clear of clouds and promising to allow the warmth of the sun through. Julie twisted my hair in her fingers from the back seat jabbering about her plans for the weekend.

School seemed to drag on with the anticipation of the freedom and adventures to come filling our minds. Finally the last bell rang out, setting us free. I headed for the car waving goodbye to friends as I walked down the hall.

“Hey,” Melissa, my best friend, called out, “you coming to my game tonight?” I thought about it for a moment and decided I just didn’t feel like hanging out by myself in the stands. With most of my friends on the team it left me sitting alone or feeling awkward trying to hang with another group. “Nah,” I said feeling a little bad I was not going to support them, “but let’s get together tomorrow ok!”

“Sounds good,” she chimed as we exited the school going our separate ways.

Stepping out into the sun I soaked in its warmth loving how it made the snow sparkle. Reaching the car I tossed my bag in and waited outside for Jonas and Julie so I could enjoy the vitamin D pouring over me longer. I waited for a while wondering what was taking so long and was about to go find out when a gaggle of girls started towards me, all laughing and giggling, loving the sun and weekend freedom just as much as me. Julie bounced along in the middle, her blond curly hair dancing at her shoulders.

“What’s up,” I called out before they reached the car.

“Can you drop us off at Jenny’s on your way to the store,” Julie entreated.

“Why? Does mom know?”

“Yeah, I called her from the school office. We are going to Jenny’s house then to her cousin's basketball game in another town this evening.”

Giving her the really look I asked, “Mom is ok with it?”

Slightly exasperated she replied, “Yes, she said it’s ok since it’s Friday and we don’t have school tomorrow.”

“Ok then, what about Jonas?”

“He is taking the bus home today.”

“Well, jump in then I guess.”

The group all piled in the car gossiping about their latest crushes as we drove the few blocks to Jenny’s house. They all jumped out when I stopped, enthusiastic about the fun evening ahead.

“Thanks, love you,” Julie sang as she shut the door.

“Love you too, have fun” I called out, waving goodbye before backing out.

At the store I tossed my backpack on the table debating whether to get my homework done now or wait. Mom had a box of new supplies, so I put off the schoolwork to check out the cute new items and help find a spot to display them.

“Oh,” mom noted, “JC Penny called and said your Christmas dress finally arrived!”

“It’s about time,” I mummeled a bit annoyed that it had taken so long. “Guess I’ll walk down and pick it up.”

I put my coat on, thankful the sun was still shining, and headed the few blocks to pick up my dress. Back at the store mom had me try it on and model for her.

“It’s a bit big, want to send it back for a smaller size?”

“No, it will be fine, I don’t want to wait another month to get it back.”

“Ok, get it off and help me package up some more papers please.”

The afternoon passed quickly and before I knew it mom was sending me with the money bag to deposit her days earnings in the bank. I choose again to enjoy the sunshine and walk the few blocks to the bank.

Walking back to the store I heard sirens wailing in the distance and wondered what they were for, but the thought like the sirens passed, and I focused on the beautiful day and the fun I’d have tomorrow with friends.

Mom and I worked on closing up the store when I got back. As I turned around the open sign to show closed in the large window a firetruck zoomed past sirens blaring.

“I wonder what is going on,” I voiced to mom as yet another siren could be heard going by.

“No idea,” she said, “an accident probably. Let’s get these packages priced and put out before we head home ok.”

We finished up our work, making sure everything was in order before turning the lights off, walking out the door, and locking up.

Driving home we noticed all the semi trucks filling up at the truck stop. “Wow, that’s a lot more than normal. There must be an accident,” I said, not thinking any more on it.

At home we went about our normal business getting dinner ready and enjoying a television show. Jonas set the table, putting out a plate for Julie, who would be home later and probably hungry. We ate, visiting about our day and how it went. Putting away the leftovers mom realized we were short on milk and sent my brother and I back into town for some.

I was excited because the grocery store would be closed, which meant we would have to get it from the little gas station. It happened to have the tastiest yogurt cones ever. I had been working hard to perfect the art of piling it as high as possible on the cone without it falling over since Kamile left. She had been our yogurt cone specialist and had the art down, so someone had to take over while she was gone.

“Holy Cow,” Jonas boomed as we passed the truck stop, “that’s a lot of trucks!”

Once in town we looked in amazement at the grocery stores filled with trucks as well.

“Wow,” I exclaimed, “it must be a bad accident. I’ve never seen them parked out here before.”

“Yeah,” Jonas replied just as shocked as me. But, we had milk to pick up and money for a treat, so we parked and headed in the gas station.

“Hey,” Jonas said on the way out, “there’s a policeman, should we ask what’s going on?”

“Nah, let’s not bother him. We need to stop and see if Julie is back yet anyway.”

Driving over to Jenny’s house we sat in silence enjoying our yummy snack.

Jenny’s mom said she didn’t expect them back for another hour, and she would call mom so she knew when to come back. Jonas and I waved goodbye and drove home.

Putting the milk away mom called, “Remember it’s your turn for dishes tonight.”

I was in good spirits after such a gorgeous day, so I didn’t mind. I hummed at the sink while my folks and brother sat watching a show on TV.

A knock at the door surprised us since we were not expecting anyone and it was pretty late for visitors. I stepped out to see who had come and saw my aunt in the door just as my dad opened it. I went back to finish up the dishes, but the sound in my Aunt’s voice stopped my work. Something was definitely wrong and I immediately feared it was my Uncle and she had come to get Dad to help. As I listened, it was clear something else was wrong. I moved away from the sink and back to the hallway so I could hear better.

It was all so confusing though, she was saying Julie had been in an accident. Chaos swarmed around us all. What was going on? Julie was in an accident, are we sure? We should get to the hospital, quick everyone in the car! No, don’t get in the car. But, what if she is there scared and hurt, we need to go!

You shouldn’t go to the hospital, she isn’t there.

What do you mean she’s not there? Where is she, we need to get to her!

We think she is dead, she’s already at the morg, there is nothing you can do for her.

What, WHAT, WHAT, NO, No,no no, NO, NO, this can’t be right, this can’t be true. She can’t be dead, we need to get to her. We would have known if she was dead right? I should have felt that she was gone, that something was wrong with the world, wouldn’t have I? How could I have heard all those sirens and watched the ambulance and firetruck rushing past and not known they were rushing to her? How could I be having such an amazing night if she was dead. I should have felt that something was wrong, I should have know.

I looked over at the table and saw her plate sitting there waiting for her to come back and eat. She can’t be dead, she can’t be, I screamed inside my head. This can’t be right, this can’t be happening. Tears poured down my face, and my parents had a look of pure fear and panic that I’d never seen before

“Come sit, come sit down,” my aunt tried to sooth.

But, I was running inside my body, my brain was going so fast I couldn’t think I didn’t want to think. We needed to go, we needed to get out of here and save her. What if she was still on the road bleeding, cold, and scared. We need to go to her.

My parents were frantic, in the car, out of the car, back in and back out.

More people came, but I don’t remember who, it was all a blur now, everything was one big blur of craziness. We sat for hours wondering if it was all true, but deep down knowing it was because she should have been home now. It was after midnight before a police officer finally came to our home with the official word.

“Your Julie is dead along with five others. They hit a patch of black ice on the road and spun out of control. There was a semi truck behind them and one coming towards them. We are going to need someone to come in and identify her body. We need to warn you, she and another girl were thrown from the van and run over by a semi. If there is any way to let us know which is your daughter without you having to come in and see that would be best.”

Shock ran through my veins, how could this be happening, how? They were trying to decide who should go in to identify my sister's remains when I looked up at the picture of her on the wall. How could that sweet, happy face be gone? I realized that the shirt she was wearing in the picture was the one she had worn that day. She always did like that shirt, and now it was gone just like her. I shakily raised my arm pointing at the picture and even more shakily said, “She was wearing that shirt today.”

“Ok,” the officer said, “that should work. If I need someone to come in still I’ll let you know. I am sorry it took us so long to come. It was bad, it was really bad and took a lot of time to sort out. I am really sorry for your loss.”

Mom and Dad were a mess trying to figure out how to reach my siblings. It’s not a call any of us wanted to make, but it had to be done.

The days were all a big blur after that. People came and went offering countless acts of service our counters were piled with food and treats, our house cleaned, our driveway cleared. So many trying to offer what little help they could to ease the pain. It was the first time I’d ever had fudge brownies. Oh, they were amazing, Julie would love these I thought, and suddenly I was crying again because she was dead and I’d never get to share them with her. How could I be enjoying something when such darkness and pain was around us.

Days were filled with the craziness of planning her funeral and coordinating with the other three families on days and times. The death of six people hit our little community hard.

Days turned to weeks and then months filled with darkness. I’d walk past her room and wish to sit in there listening to music and sharing secrets again. I’d reach for my hairbrush and pull out hers instead, staring at the blond hair and try hard not to envision it smeared with blood and brains, smashed on the ice cold road. I’d touch the piano and beg to hear her practice one more song. I’d drive to school and wish to feel her playing with my hair as she shared her cheerful thoughts. I’d glance towards her seat at dinner and picture the plate that someone eventually moved. I’d dream of her out having fun with me on some adventure and wake to remember she would never go on an adventure with me again. One moment we’d all be laughing and joking about a memory of Julie and the next we would be crying.

Months turned into a nearly a year. Our first Christmas without her. Our twinkling multicolored lights were replaced my all blue ones, her favorite color.

A year turned into many, now she’s been gone much longer than we had her with us. How we have gone on living without her is only through the grace of God and the knowledge we will be together again someday.

Christmas is just around the corner and my kids are picking out gifts they want and ready for lights and snow. My oldest son is almost 14, just a year shy of when my Julie left this earth. I watch him and see at times my little sister. His love and enthusiasm for life, his innocence and willingness to please. But, especially at night when he comes into our room and plops himself on our bed for his nightly ritual. “Best part of your day? Worst part of your day,” he asks then waits for our reply before sharing his own best and worst. “Love you,” he says going in for a hug before he can go settle down in bed to sleep.

As his curly blond head bounces away I think, “Goodnight, love ya, see ya in the morning,”and I thank God for each morning I get with my loved ones, because I know how quickly they can be taken away.

If you’d like to read another story that changed my life check out this one.

Or perhaps you’d like to read a little poem I wrote about heaven.