Becoming a stepparent? Here's what you should know beforehand

The definition of a stepparent is clear. It’s a person who is married to someone with children from a previous relationship. The reality of being a stepparent, by contrast, varies hugely according to the situation. Even so, there are some general guidelines and legal points all stepparents should know.

To explain further, Nannette Kendrick, Head of New Business and Marketing at Lovedays Solicitors shares her insights into what you need to know before coming a stepparent.

Stepparenting is much the same as a job

Probably the most pragmatic way to look at stepparenting is to consider it a job. As such, you should think very carefully before you apply for it. If you do apply, you should be sure that you’re happy to take on the role before you start.

In other words, think very carefully before getting too involved with somebody who has a child from a previous relationship. If you do decide that you want a committed relationship with them, then you need to agree on what role you’ll play in their child’s life.

Ideally, this will be worked out in partnership with the other biological parent. It may be reasonable to include other people involved in the child’s life as well. Whatever approach you take, you need to make sure that you and your partner are working as a team. It’s best if all the adults in the child’s life are also on-board with the team effort.

Apply workplace etiquette when dealing with your stepchild

You can and should insist on politeness from your stepchild (and be polite to him/her yourself). Keep in mind, however, that, in the beginning, this is all you can expect. In fact, it’s all you have the right to expect. Respect, trust and affection may come later but you will have to earn them.

Be aware that getting anything more than politeness from your stepchildren may be a long-drawn process. In some cases, it may never happen no matter how hard you try. Resist any temptation either to try to buy their affection or to let this frustrate you. Remember, you signed up to be their stepparent. They didn’t sign up to be your stepchildren.

Work on good relationships with other team members

Similarly, treat the child’s other biological parent, wider family and friends as your colleagues. As such, you have the right to expect basic politeness from them. If they don’t deliver on this then make sure your partner handles it. As with a stepchild, however, remember that you are a newcomer. They are an experienced and established team.

This means that the best you can hope for is to be given a fair chance to prove yourself in your new role. There is a distinct chance that you may have to work hard before you even get that. The reality is that you only get to become a stepparent through biological parents ending their relationship. These endings are not always amicable.

Working as a stepparent can therefore mean learning to negotiate a minefield of family politics. It may also require convincing people that you’re actually going to stay in the role before they take you seriously. If your partner hasn’t had another relationship since the split, people may be hoping for a reconciliation. If they have, people may see you as just a temporary decoration rather than a permanent fixture.

Job descriptions can only be changed by agreement

If you stay in a role for a long time, the chances are that its responsibilities will develop even if its title stays the same. This is entirely natural but it should only happen with consent. Where relevant, it should also be recognized appropriately. In particular, if a stepparent is fulfilling the responsibilities of a parent, then it may be best to have this recognised in law.

The legal situation for stepparents

Legally, you are only a stepparent if you are actually married to (or in a civil partnership with) a person who has biological children. With that said, the act of becoming a legal stepparent does not actually confer any rights (or responsibilities). This means that, effectively, formal stepparents are in the same situation as informal ones.

Gaining parental responsibility

If you are fulfilling any of the responsibilities of a parent, including financial ones, then it can make sense to have this fact recognised in law. This would typically be done by means of a Parental Responsibility Agreement, a Parental Responsibility Order or a Child Arrangements Order.

Any of these options would give you rights and responsibilities equivalent to those of a biological parent. They would not, however, extinguish any existing rights other people may hold. The only way for a stepparent to extinguish a biological parent's existing rights would be to adopt the child legally.

Parental Responsibility Agreements

As the names suggest, Parental Responsibility Agreements are made outside of the court system. The people who already have parental responsibility for the child would simply agree to extend this responsibility to the stepparent. This agreement would then form the basis of a binding contract.

Parental Responsibility Orders and Child Arrangements Orders

If it is not possible to set up a Parental Responsibility Agreement, then the stepparent could apply to the court for a Parental Responsibility Order or a Child Arrangements Order. Typically, Parental Responsibility Orders are used when the child does not live with the stepparent. Child Arrangements Orders are used when they do.

The practicalities of divorce and death

All of these options stand unless they are actively dissolved. In the case of Parental Responsibility Agreements, this would usually be by consensus. It could also be through a court order. Parental Responsibility Orders and Child Arrangements Orders can only be terminated by court order.

If a stepparent does not have any existing parental responsibility for a child, they have no default rights in regard to them if the relationship ends. It may, however, be possible for them to acquire those rights. This would usually be through a Child Arrangements Order or even potentially a “Live with” Child Arrangements.

Equally, if a stepparent does not have any existing parental responsibility for a child, they have no default financial obligations to them in the event of a divorce. If, however, it can be shown that the stepparent effectively treated the child as their own, then that child might be considered a “child of the family”. If it did, then it is possible that a stepparent could be ordered to provide financial support.