Anywhere Angel

I remember when I was younger she used to give me the best bubble baths and mix the best chocolate milk. She let me watch Casper the Friendly Ghost over and over. She even included me when she watched Michelle Kwan ice skate. I had no clue what I was watching and to be honest, she probably didn’t either. I just remember watching her, watch Michelle twist and turn and say things like “she look so angelic.”

Angelic… that is a word I have always used to describe Nannie. I know she wasn’t perfect, but to me she was pretty close.

I could go on and on about the stories I remember as a little kid visiting in West Virginia, but some of my favorite memories are from when I was older and Nannie moved to North Carolina. I visited more often and spoke to her on the phone about once a week, sometimes more. My senior year of high school was tough. I was trying to decide what to plan for my future, I thought I was in love and I didn’t know what was up and what was down… I hid it pretty well, but I was struggling. Nannie would just let me talk to her. About anything. Then, no matter the situation, gave the best personal and Biblical advice.

My Nannie knew that the guy I was dating when I started college was not right for me. She knew we had a lot of differences and that I could not reach my full potential with him. When we broke up I was completely heartbroken. The first thing I did was go to my Nannie’s house after I got out of class. That was about a two hour drive, but I knew I needed her loving comfort. She made my favorite food… potato soup and cornbread. She let me cry on her shoulder and she told me that the plans that I had for myself were much smaller than the plans God had for me. At that time, that was the hardest thing to see, but fast forward to when I reconnected with my husband, Dylan.

Nannie knew from the moment I called to tell her about Dylan that I would marry him. She told me that on that phone call. She could hear it in my voice and the things that I was saying about him that I had truly found the man God made for me. When Dylan and I officially started dating I took him to Nannie’s house and that was it… they bonded like I never thought they would. She loved him just as much as I did from the start.

Nannie was the second phone call we made when Dylan proposed to me. Right behind calling my parents. Her “Yay buddy!” on the other end of the phone made me smile from ear to ear.

Dylan and I did things a little untraditional. We lived together before we got married, and as a Christian, that was something I was terrified of judgement for. Nannie talked to me about that and told me that I was doing what I thought was right and that she supported my decision. She had no idea how much that blessing meant to me and Dylan, too.

Not long after Nannie was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she moved from her house to a townhome. She was not ready to give up her independence that my Papa instilled in her from the moment they fell in love. I don’t blame her. She was just told that she would possibly forget numerous things, so she wanted to hang on to who she knew for as long as she could. I went out there often to just be with her. I didn’t know when, but I knew that one day I would not see one of my biggest fans again until I stepped through the gates of Heaven. I wanted to make the most of every moment I had with her from there on out. I would go out there to make Dollar General runs with her, to eat potato soup and plant tomato plants. I would sit with her and watch tv. I would listen to her talk to me about the things she and Miss Hope would do together… TROUBLE is what those two were together, but the best kind of trouble.

A few years later Nannie moved in with my mom and dad. She was excited to be with us, but sad that she was losing that independence she had grown so fond of. We were sad that was happening, too, but so happy that she would be with all of us. Alzheimer’s is probably the most complicated disease to understand and watch someone fight. Especially when it takes over for a moment and you can’t recognize the person standing in front of you. I would think about how I felt seeing that and then suddenly see why Nannie could get so upset. The special connection that we had always prevailed the disease, though. She would be having an episode of rage and if I stepped in and just got her to look me in the eye, I could see the Nannie I’d always known. The loving woman who made my chocolate milk. She would connect with me and calm down. Her first words were always “I’m sorry honey.” Even though there was no reason that she needed to be sorry. She couldn’t help it… and that wasn’t her having that moment. It was this evil disease.

Nannie mentioned to me that she wanted to go to Washington D.C. and to Arlington Cemetery to see JFK’s eternal flame. She used to live in Rockville Maryland and had not seen the city since then. Dylan and I planned a trip with her for my 22nd birthday. She almost was too scared to leave and mentioned to my mom she might back out, but mom convinced her to go and told her that she would regret it if she didn’t go. I’m so glad she ended up going because that was the best trip I’d ever been on. We woke up early and stopped along the way a couple of times. One of the stops being at a rest area in Virginia that had the big “Virginia is for Lovers” sign, which she always thought was so funny. We were typical tourist and took pictures in the big LOVE sign. This trip was in November, so super cold for Washington D.C. We were extra prepared because Nannie did not like to be cold. We used her wheelchair so she wouldn’t get too tired and bundled her up like a burrito. Our first stop was that night after getting settled into the hotel, the Lincoln Memorial. She was in awe of all the lights and the cute little bookstore at the memorial. A thousand pictures later and we headed back to the hotel for the night. The next morning we took the metro for the first and last time that trip. My anxiety was at an all time high trying to navigate on that thing while pushing her in the wheelchair. We went to all the monuments, Capital Building and even had a tour of the White House arranged. 2.5 hours in security and we were in! Since Nannie was in the wheelchair she and I got to go through a “special way” and see pieces of the original White House and the kitchen while accessing the elevator. She always teased Dylan about not being able to go with us, but loved to remind him of what we saw. This trip was when Dylan realized his favorite ‘Nannie phrase’ was “do you want to use my monies, buddy?”

Our last stop was to Arlington Cemetery. We watched the changing of the guard at Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. We walked the pathways of the many brave men and women who were laid to rest. Then, we headed our way to her favorite part… the JFK eternal flame. She was stunned to see this entire place. It was like I could mentally see her checking this off of her bucket list. That was the last trip she ever took and it was an honor to take her.

The D.C. trip will probably always be my favorite memory with Nannie, but another one high on the list is her going wedding dress shopping with me. She, in true Nannie fashion, said I looked beautiful in every one I tried on, but when I found THE dress I could tell by looking at hers and my daddy’s face. I gave her that same look when she, my mom, Dylan’s mom and Granny went to get their dresses. She loved her dress for my wedding and kept reminding us all that hers would be blush pink, not purple like the one she tried on.

In true Dylan and Ashley tradition, our wedding day was also a tad untraditional… mostly because a hurricane was making her way through. The day was more unpredictable than the weather, but to us it was perfect. Nannie got to be there and was so happy the entire time. I see her beautiful smile in almost every single wedding photo I look at. Her laugh when Dylan danced to get the garter off still echoes in my head. The images I have from her that night, smiling and laughing are how I picture her as an angel.

We got pregnant quickly after marriage and after finding out I immediately told Dylan I wanted to name the baby Lucy Leigh if she was a girl. Lucy after my Grandma and Leigh after Nannie. Nannie’s name was Sonja Lee, but Nannie requested that I spell Leigh with the ‘igh’ to make it more “girly.” Further into the pregnancy we would have guessed that the baby was a boy. Don’t ask why, but we just had a feeling. Well… we were wrong and I am so thankful we were. Not only did we get to name our daughter after two of the most influential women in my life, but I was getting a daughter. A forever best friend.

Nannie and Lucy were bff’s. Lucy could boss that lady around like no other. Later, when the Alzheimer’s was a little more developed, it was almost like seeing two little kids play. Nannie would get ‘mad’ if Lucy didn’t share a toy and say “Well fine! I’m going to my room then!” We’d laugh and she would forget she even said that five minutes later. They developed such a special bond that still sticks with my Lucy. She still prays for her and asks Jesus to give her a hug for us. She will hear about Heaven and tell whoever mentioned it that her Nini is there. Which brings me to Lucy changing Nannie’s name to Nini and Nannie absolutely loving it. She would say “well if that’s what she wants to call me, then that’s fine with me!”

Nannie bonded with Laken while she could, but unfortunately didn’t get a lot of earthside time with her. When Laken was born we were consumed by her medical conditions that were unknown until birth. That’s a story for another time. Our experience in the hospital wasn’t as magical as it was with Lucy and I became so tied up with helping her get better that Nannie didn’t get to meet Laken until a few weeks after she was born. She timidly asked if she could hold her, to which I of course said yes. She was so happy. Two of her great-granddaughters sitting with her in the chair. But, something was different when comparing the first photos of her and Laken verses her and Lucy. Nannie looked a lot more tired. She was so ready to be in her eternal home, but was also so thankful that she got to meet Laken before going.

Not long after Laken was born Nannie started telling my mom that she would be going to Heaven soon. She’d start laughing and hopping and clapping saying “I’m going to Heaven!” Soon after that she started complaining of her left arm hurting and her chest tightening. Mom, being the amazing caretaker that she is, did everything she could to get Nannie comfort. She began by taking her to the doctor who said physically there was nothing wrong, but that she could be preparing us for what’s to come. In the beginning of November Nannie told me she was going to Heaven. I said “you are?” She said “I sure am. I’m tired and I’m ready to see my hubby.” I told her I knew that and that it was okay to go when she was called home. She hugged me and just let me cry on her.

Her ending stages seemed long in the process, but only lasted about two weeks in total. Nannie’s connection with God showed until the very end. We were told that Laken was to have surgery to hopefully correct her heart condition. When telling Nannie about it she said “If Nannie is still here, then I’ll be praying she will be okay and if I’m in Heaven, then I’ll be watching over her.” A few days after that Laken had to have a test done before surgery. Nannie was worse now and hospice care was in full swing. She was weak and couldn’t fully communicate, but I would still talk to her often. I was telling her about Laken’s test and talking to her about the surgery. She grabbed my hand, looked at me and whispered “God said she is going to be just fine.” Taken back by the response in the moment, I asked “He did?” To which she replied “Yes. He is a good God.”

Thankfully my brother was in the room with me when this happened because it was honestly magical. My Nannie was communicating with God in her last stages of life for my daughter. She confirmed that she would be okay through something that was undoubtedly the hardest thing I was ever going to experience… other than losing my biggest fan.

I would stay late at night and come back early in the mornings to help my mom take care of Nannie. The night that I left and saw her for the last time I said our normal “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck” but I added “I’ll see you soon” instead of “I’ll see you tomorrow” like I had been saying for weeks. I was home not even ten minutes when my daddy called to tell me she was gone. I came back to their house and just sobbed when walking in the door. The house already felt different and so did my heart.

Watching them carry her body out of the house still haunts me. I knew she wasn’t in there and I knew she was rejoicing with her husband by her side, but just like the song says… I was jealous of the angels around the throne that night.

I’m able to write this and talk about Nannie now because I am getting better at handling not having her here. I’m not angry with God and I’m not depressed. I’m still jealous, but I think as a Christian everyone kinda is. I mean, I’d much rather be singing at the feet of the Father than filing taxes. But, I’ve made a promise to my guardian angel that I will try to show God’s love and be as angelic as she was on earth. Someone has to try… because the world could use more light like Nannie.

Until I see you again, my beautiful Nannie. Give all my love to Papa, Grandma, Grandpa and all my other loved ones. I’ll see you soon.