Am I A Bad Person?

Ok darlings, here’s the what’s going down and I need some outside input. Recently, as in the last year and a half, my mom just got out of an abusive relationship (i’m talking physically, mentally, emotionally abusive). Now she’s been with this guy (let’s call him Bo), for 11 years and he’s actually my brothers dad.

Now, Bo has done some pretty messed up ish and left me and my mom with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and some serious trust issues. For example, just this past November, he threatened to come into our apartment and shoot everyone in it; this included: me, my mom, my brother, one of our friends (who was pregnant at the time), and two cops, who we had to call before he even threatened to kill us for other reasons.

During this past year and a half of them being apart my mom started working on growing her faith in God and working on herself and her relationship with Him and i’m honestly super proud of the growth that she went through. Whilst on this journey, Bo would very frequently harris her with phon callls, text messages, hack her email, he even leaked some private information just to try to get her attention. My precious mama though, she stayed strong in her resolve to not give into his antics. We even moved to a new city to start fresh.

That really didn’t even end up making a big difference, because guess what my darlings? That’s right! That jelly-bean, ended up moving to the same city! Which then lead to a whole new level of antagonizing from him like showing up unannounced, at night, banging on our door and demanding to get in. That was a whole new level of trauma, let me tell you.

So, that’s all just a little snippet of what happens this past year, which leads us to my delima now. Bo’s back. Yep. Back. As in, staying with us and making out with my mom as if nothing happened this past year, let alone the past 12!

Obviously, my darlings, I am not too pleased and do not feel safe or comfortabl. I’m civil towards him, at best, because i’m trying to be a better person who God would be proud of, but let me tell you. It is not easy. I don’t even talk to him unless he says something to me and I can barely look him in the eye.

My mama? Not to happy with how I treat him. She told me just the other day that it’s not fair how i’m treating him and that he’s trying to change. I have literally heard that same sentence too many times over the last 12 years that it means nothing to me at this point. At the same time though, I am trying to be a more kind, compassionate, loving, all around better person and maybe she’s right? Do I need to just let go of everything that he’s done, even though I don’t trust him at all? Am I being unfair and overreacting and should I just start acting like everything is fine and we’re one, big, happy family?

Even though I don’t want him around. Even though I seem to get angry anytime I see him and her makes me uncomfortable. I know that my mama and my brother love him. I know that they’d be happier if he was around, regardless of how insane it might seem. So am I just being selfish? I wish I knew exactly what would happen if he stayed and if he really changed. I’m honestly lost and confused and need help and prayer in the most desperate way.

I would greatly appreciate some advice from you angels, so please let me know what you think and what’s going around those beautiful minds. In the meantime, i’m going to try to keep my head on and not have a panic attack. I love you darlings!