Alone or Lonely

Alone, Sara sits in her grandmother's attic. Tears flowing as she reflects over her life and the past year that led her to be in this moment. With so many people out of work and so many loved ones dying, 2020 had been a hard year for everyone. Sara is feeling like she can not catch a break.

She loves her librarian position but had been laid off since March. Now living quarantined, in her eastside Athens apartment, with a stack of books, a cat, and facetime. As Introverted as she is, she's really starting to miss everyone when she receives a call from her grandmother, “Julie has passed away. She was coming down with a cough, but now she's gone. Just that quick.” Grandma cries.

28 years old, only 1 year older than Sara, healthy and bright, Julie, was now dead. It had been especially hard for Sara to accept this truth. Me-maw, as the girls called her, had raised them after their parents were killed, all at the same time, in a car accident. They were hit head-on on their way home from celebrating a promotion Sara’s mom received. This brought Sara 9 and Julie 10, very close. They'd been there for each other through everything, growing up, relationships, even going to the same college.

That past Thanksgiving, it was just the two of them. Sara cooked and then she, no contact- porch dropped off dinner for Me-maw. Then they had a zoom chat. Me-maw had been doing everything to stay safe, but just before Christmas, she was admitted to the hospital with a high fever and a hard time breathing. “Please don't worry about me Sara, I will be alright alone, and so will you.” she finally gets out on what would be their very last facetime call.

She'd been putting it off for as long as she could, the cleaners have long been gone. she had to sort through Me-maws things and sell the home she grew up in. It was overwhelming. She didn't want this, she wanted her Me-Maw and her best friend back.

“This isn't fair!” she screams, though no one can hear her cries. She stood to her feet and stomped. “I will not be alright alone! I won't! I won't! I won't!” Sara continues until she bursts out into laughter & falls back to the floor.

Remembering that Me-maw had broken her of this behavior long ago and she knew it. Being so young, when she lost both of her parents and an aunt and uncle, she gave Me-maw a hard time in the beginning. She didn't like the new rules Me-maw put in place and would fight with Julie over every little thing. Both girls received years of grievances therapy, but it was the journaling that Me-maw had taught them to do that had been the most helpful.

Me-maw never went anywhere without a book to read and a book to write in too. “There's no such thing as being alone, just lonely and a book will take care of that,” Me-maw told her “& tantrums will not bring you comfort like a book can.” She added. Soon Sara too, always had two books with her.

Sara looks around the attic, now with a different perspective. Me-maws attic is as tidy as the rest of her home. Mostly full of books, old journals and manuscripts. After all, publishing a book here and there is how she managed, outside of her healthcare position, to take them to Disney, help with their first cars, and college too.

Sara gets up and walks around, looking at each of the neatly lined walls. “Ummm, I wonder…” she thinks to herself, “if that book of poems Me-Maw would read to us, is here somewhere.”

As she looks, she collects a box to keep for herself. Bummed that she can not find it, Sara carries her boxes down. As she sits the last box down, she notices the little black notebook on the bottom shelf of the curio cabinet. “Oh yes, she smiles, of course with all of our trophies and ribbons.” She knew then, that Me-maw also knew what an obstacle and an accomplishment that small black notebook of poems had been.

Sara goes to open the cabinet, but it's locked. “Odd” she thinks, she looks for the key without luck. It takes weeks before Sara could bring herself to her grandmother's study. Me-maw was not a rocking recliner type of grandma. Whenever she was home, she could be found sitting at her desk. Often still in her scrubs, in her own zone, just writing away. Again, bookshelves neatly lined the walls. Organized by color, then lined up like a rainbow. This had been her latest project, since being quarantined after being exposed through her home healthcare position. Before she started showing symptoms, she got into a home decor show that showed her this. Sara remembers her being so excited about it, calling her to show her how beautiful it turned out. “Look Sara, I would have never thought to do this in a million years. It turned out so pretty.”

It did. It was even more impressive in person. Me-maw even has little twinkle boxes and funny statues that stand out even more now. Sara starts to cry again. She has always admired her grandmother's creativeness. Recalling back, to her childhood. She never remarried after finding out that her husband had practically “Jasoned'' her, their entire 10 year marriage. Though she dated from time to time, She seemed happy being in her study, and always ready to share what she'd learned when someone knocked on the door. She also encouraged the girls to do the same. Sara knows if it hadn't been for her grandmother she wouldn't be the person she was today.

There was a running joke that she would leave the girls the key to her book of best kept secrets.

As Sara takes a closer look, she notices a glass keepsake box hanging on the wall. A nice vinyl font reads, “My best kept secrets.” She remembers again back to call when Me-maw showed her the updated bookshelves.

“Here’s the book, Sara.” she now recalls Me-maw saying. Sara laughed, trying to hide her fear, never focusing in enough to notice the box had a key, not a book. Me-maw laughed, knowing Sara had not noticed.

Sara takes the key from the glass. She laughs, “Really, Me-maw, all of your journals and your best kept secret is your small black notebook, that I already knew about?” she heads out of Me-maws study, toward the door, trying to understand her grandmother's thought process on this one. Again, Sara laughs. All of her journals out, exposed for us to read at any time and the one book she locks up is a small black notebook that she read to us a dozen times over.

Sara unlocks the curio cabinet, bends down and picks up the book of poems. She sits down on the green cushioned vintage bench beside it.

As she opens the book, an envelope falls out.

The envelope reads, “My best kept secrets”

A folded piece of paper, around a small band of cash, labeled $20k reads “write a book or two & be kind to others.”

Me-maw was truly creative in everything she ever did.