After 6 Years They’re Still Calling My Son By His Birth Name

As his mom, should it really anger and offend me so much?

Do they not realize how hurtful that is to him?

Do they not realize how ill-mannered and disrespectful that is?

Maybe I’m taking this too personally.

That’s what goes through my mind when I hear family and friends misname my transgender son. If you’ve read any of my other personal posts, you might be surprised at this. I’m usually very laid back and easy going. Most times I save my anger for much bigger issues. But once in a while, I feel like ripping off the duct tape of politeness that is affixed across my mouth around my relatives and friends.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy in the beginning. There were plenty of times when I got his name wrong. But when you love someone you make the effort over and over again until you no longer need to. You make the effort to replace the old habit with a new one. One that demonstrates how much you care.

Ok, I’m not saying our family and friends need to get it right every single time. Many of them have known him for more than twenty years — and for fourteen of those years, he was legally named something different. But I’ve said his name more times than anyone else (except maybe his dad) and I get it right — every. single. time.

“Chosen name use is linked to reduced depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation, and suicidal behavior among transgender youth.” — Published in the Journal for Adolescent Health

A person’s name is the strongest tie to their identity. There’s a reason many of us like to hear our names spoken by our loved ones. It’s the simplest way to acknowledge a person for their distinct individuality.

Using someone’s correct name and pronouns is a courteous and respectful way of recognizing them. When people — especially loved ones — remember our name, we feel respected and important. When family and friends use the wrong name, especially after being previously corrected (for some, several times), it makes that person feel insignificant and snubbed.

My son has a beard and sideburns. His voice is deep and mimics his father’s in pitch and inflection. He certainly doesn’t present as feminine any longer although even if he did it shouldn’t matter. It just seems that because he has such a different physical appearance now than he did in the past that it might help remind those who so easily forget that his name is also different than what it had been.

I’ve given a forgiving pass many times for several people when my son’s birth name slips from their mouths in conversation. Most times it’s followed by an apology anyways. But the few who seem to pretend that nothing has changed make me so angry sometimes. It almost feels purposely said in order to hurt my feelings and my son’s. As if spoken as a slight or insult.

Maybe I’m taking it all too personally. Probably, I’m taking it all too personally.

Usually, my son lets it all roll off his back — he’s forgiving like that especially when he knows the person has been making an effort and it’s an occasional slip-up. But with those who continually misname him (or constantly use the wrong pronouns), he’ll mention to me how annoying it is. Then I feel guilty for not correcting the speaker.

I’d like to think those family and friends who use my son’s birth name maybe don’t realize their mistake. Maybe I need to bring it to their attention in a loving way. Maybe they have no malicious motive. Maybe they’re just oblivious.

I think it’s been long enough though. I think the next time someone (who has the track record of constantly getting it wrong) speaks my son’s name incorrectly, I’m going to have a candid conversation with them in the most friendly way possible.

The bottom line is that calling anyone by their correct name is the right thing to do. In a group such as trans youth who has a staggering 35% suicide rate (compared to 7% of cisgender youth), it is an imperative and necessary thing to do. It’s also an easy thing to do, especially when you love someone.

I believe in allowing someone grace when they misname my transgender child. It happens. However, I think I can correct the unintentional misstep at the same time. Keeping my tone civil and cheery is probably the best way to impress upon the importance of their error while not coming across too confrontational. We’re all human, and all humans make mistakes.

With that said, if this same person continually misnames my son or even insists it’s ‘too difficult’ to change the way she refers to him, here’s where I need to take a stand. Of course, I still don’t need to be nasty. But I can definitely be firm. She will either understand or not. But if I don’t say anything, nothing will change.

I think most family and friends will realize how important something is when you make the point to take such a stand. Hopefully, they’ll realize the importance of their cooperation. However, if this person is so far lost in her own world, that she has no respect for anyone else’s, then there is nothing I can say that will help her realize her offense. And I don’t need that type of passive-aggressive behavior and negativity in my world — or my child’s.

As parents, we have an obligation to help our children be ready to stand on their own two feet as adults. Showing them how to stand up for themselves properly is part of that. Loving our children means insisting on others to respect their individuality enough to call them by their true name.

Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies where the focus is on education to foster understanding, acceptance, and equality of all human beings, and proud parent to her young adult transgender son.

For all parents of transgender kids here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.