A Very Aquarium Christmas

On a Hawaiian Island ... Somewhere...

“I’ve always longed to be different. Just like some of these humans lurking on the outside,” said the Angelfish, in a melancholy tone.

“The seaweed isn’t always greener…” said the Sergeant fish.

“Yes, yes, I know. I know. But, look at them, as they disappear through those doors over yonder, and we both know what’s beyond those doors — don’t we now? It’s like a wormhole to another dimension — with, I gather, better lighting and aeration. There’s a whole other world out there, and those doors are the way out,” said the Angelfish.

“Be careful —” said the Sergeant fish.

“But, I miss the real living coral — not like these fake coral reefs they’ve put in place here, the nerve! It’s actually quite insulting, these reefs — they barely conceal a Surgeonfish within. I want the coral that’s alive — you know, in its natural state! Coral that can save lives…” said the Angelfish.

“What are you going to do? Flop out of the tank and then onto the floor? And then what — flop your way up the stairs and out that door? You can be sure that Kamohoaliʻi will indeed take you straight to another dimension — which, if you can gather correctly, is Heaven! At any rate, you certainly wouldn’t make it far with that cat coming and going as it pleases. All the coral reefs in all their abundant glory won’t save you from that cat,” said the Sergeant fish.

"But I’m talking about coral as medicine! Oh, what I would give to graze on real living reef rock. Even as I sometimes suspect you have the memory of a goldfish, Sergeant fish, you still remember real coral as well as I do, don't you? How about the day they dumped us into this glass prism, which they call an aquarium — do you remember that too?" said the Angelfish.

“And so what if I do?” said the Sergeant fish, with a tone of indignation.

“Well of course you remember, who could forget that plastic contraption they used for transport — with less than a litre of water inside — to breathe in!… It was positively like quarantine. Do you know what that word, ‘quarantine’ means?”

“I can’t say that I do, Angelfish,” said the Sergeant fish, with a puzzled expression.

“Well, I learned that word when the humans left the television on the other night. They had this ‘fishing’ show running, and I could barely stomach it. Oh, my fins! It was beastly — a sick game of theirs, I tell you! Anyway, quarantine is like isolation. It’s horrible. I remember when I was in quarantine and they poked the bag with their finger to make sure I was still breathing! — Holy Moray! How obnoxious!” the Angelfish quivered. “I tell you, it’s worse than solitary confinement. Much worse! But, now we’re stuck in here, in this — oh, what was it I heard the leader of these humans call it, on television. Oh yes! — A cesspool. That's what their leader said! And what of these other ... wrasses in here, with us — wrasses that are now eyeing my anal fin as I do circles in the hopes that I get the attention of one of these human figures to come over and feed me? Would you call it an aquarium, or a cesspool?"

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, that can’t possibly be what their leader had said,” said the Sergeant fish.

“Okay fine, it was what their former leader said," said the Angelfish.

“Whatever you say, but you’d better stop that twirling or one of ‘em leaders of our own might just think you are sick or dying — and, I gather, they might promptly throw you in the bin, without so much as a second thought about subjecting you to any more of that inhumane quarantine treatment you've been raving about. But, I suppose, even if they did toss you in the bin, it would still be better than flopping around on the floor,” said the Sergeant fish a matter of factly.

“Oh, would you pipe down and listen to me for a change? I’m just trying to get us some food. But at least these humans have the decency to dump shrimp in here too; all the better to clean up the mucus and parasites brought in by those … Harems.” The Angelfish gave another quiver. “But we need more sponges, snails AND CORAL, to be remotely content in here. And, if I see another Butterflyfish with those same fancy bands…”

“Yes, Angelfish, I’m just as unimpressed by those Butterflyfish myself, for they steal from right under my nose; but apart from that, you must appreciate that there are no real-world struggles in here. Besides, you know, Angelfish aren’t meant to go off and…” but the Sergeant fish had trailed off, for the Angelfish wasn’t listening whilst it muttered to itself. The Angelfish found the anemone in the centre of the tank and began to circle its tentacles as if it were playing chicken with it.

‘Oh, it’s all some big misunderstanding this is, I’m not supposed to be in here. Why didn’t they catch some random aquaculture fish, specifically for this tank? I’m a clean fish, meant for the wide-open waters. I'm free to roam, I’m telling you —' thought the Angelfish, as it circled the tan-coloured anemone. And, it kept muttering to itself about coral in this way, too, until it heard familiar voices coming through the door. ‘Oh dear me, here comes one of them now.’

“Look, do you see that, he’s doing those circles again, Pete. I wonder what’s wrong with the fella. He used to be in such good spirits. Maybe he got stung by a tentacle? — No matter, I’ve got just the thing for him,” the older boy with the ugly Christmas sweater said.

“Yeah, you were right! Hmm, maybe he’ll like the new tank. We’ll just have to wait and see, Alvin. Oh, what the heck, how about we just go and get the other tank from the garage now? We'll go ahead and call it an early Christmas present," he replied, grinning.

“Did you hear that Sergeant fish!? — I’ll be damned! Here I was, all in a panic about these parasites and this mucus and they’re bringing a new tank for us. I hope we’re getting a tank with a real reef though! It’s about time we get some clean, fresh water, around here too. Maybe I should start convulsing, to speed up our transfer out of here — we could be the first of the batch in the new pool,” said the Angelfish, ecstatically.

“I dunno, my senses tell me something may be off. Here comes that cat,” replied the Sergeant fish.

"Don’t put a damper on things! Save it for the Snapper and the Yellow Tang. It’s almost Christmas! And look, they've even got those hideous sweaters on,” said the Angelfish, snappishly.

“Oh, all right. Let’s be buoyant, for once,” replied the Sergeant fish.

“Pivot to the right, just a tad Pete, it will be a tight squeeze with this one, but we should be able to get it through this door. Easy now, watch your fingers through the door frame,” said Alvin. “We’ll have to set it down on the oak table right across from the older tank, for now.”

“Would you look at that new tank? Just look at it! — It's absolutely splendid! It's double the size — and it's got a brand-new reef!… A real living reef! It’s fascinating ... and I'm totally dizzy now; but I'm telling you, I can play in that reef all day!” said the Angelfish.

“Why,” said the Sergeant fish, “Yes, it is — it's double the size and more! Golly, did you see the unicornfish they've brought in with the buckets just now; and the blowfish, over there, in a separate bucket? What a spectacle…” said the Sergeant fish, in delight.

“Look, there’s even a decorated Christmas tree, in the far corner of the tank! It’s sensational! It will be in the Fish & Style magazine! I can’t believe it. This has got to be the best Christmas ever!” said the Angelfish, and got stung by a tentacle.