A Relationship with Parents

When I am left alone with my thoughts, I am often plagued by things that have been said to me by the people who brought me into this world- who I love dearly, but who have seriously said damaging things that have left me hearing their echoes for years. They are haunting and cruel, and I just think also its a generational thing.

During an episode I was on the phone with my mother, and the conversation had started on a positive note as they usually do- but the more I chose to reveal to her about my struggles, I noticed there was a pattern in her reactions to what I was conveying. Maybe what I was disclosing would have been better suited for a therapist because some things are just beyond her comprehension; She is not and has not been known for being the most comforting person, but like a lot of people, she has her moments.

“You are just a minor and insignificant dot on this planet.” She said to me. I was brought to tears and I knew that those words had some truth, because I know I am not the only person who suffers and struggles, but I had hoped to be comforted at least a little bit by my mother, but again, I was just setting myself up for disappointment. This has been a pattern in our relationship since I can last remember. If there was ever a mother and daughter relationship that I could compare ours to, it would be that of Aurora Greenway and her daughter Emma from Terms of Endearment. We have had moments of glory and getting along as though we were the best of friends, but at the mention of just one tiny thing, BOOM! Here we go, on with the criticism and judgement that has left me many times feeling stranded, alone, and empty like a cookie jar with only remnants of crumbs on the inside.

There are many times when I think back to times where I wish I never listened to her advice- such as when I turned down an amazing scholarship to attend a conservatory program in Connecticut. It would have been a full ride, but then again- it was Connecticut. I don’t think I am alone in thinking “What if?” I had done this or that differently, what would my life have been like? Where would I be now? There is that saying the grass is always greener, but I live with this in my mind and find myself stuck in my life, because I have come to the realization that I have tried so hard to impress and please my parents that I have lost myself in the process. I have suffered from anxiety, depression, and a multitude of other things that have been factors of my environment. The thing is, I am still standing and that is kind of a miracle I suppose.

My maternal grandparents were wonderful people to me when I was a child, and I have been told by my mother that when she was bad my grandfather would chase her around their home with a belt. I have recently connected with a cousin that I wasn’t even aware that I had; her grandfather and mine were brothers, and she has disclosed to me many interesting things about that side of the family. She too, has issues with her mother. Does it run in the family? Both of our mothers have said similar things to us that I don’t think anyone would actually believe if they heard them. We come from a very South African Jewish Family, where values and traditions have been passed down, but the generation stops being carried with me. At 40 years old, I don’t want to bring a child into the world, especially the way it is today.

Throughout the years I have had moments where I have blocked my mom from social media and from being able to contact me simply because of the pain of the words she has uttered in my ear and said to my face. When I was younger, we had several physical altercations. She told me many times that “there is something wrong with you” and “you are not normal” and my favorite- “I will have you locked up and throw away the key.”

There are the psychological terms “projection” and “deflection,” and my sister believes that in many regards my mother is the epitome of a narcissist. So many people struggle with toxic family members and it truly is a wonder to me that people who choose to be parents find ways to utterly destroy their children’s self confidence and sense of self; That they teach their children to loathe and hate themselves to the point where many have taken their own lives. It has crossed my mind, I won’t lie. I have struggled with addiction from the age of 26 and have been in recovery from drugs for nearly a decade, but alcohol is the one thing I have got to get under control. Our relationships with our parents ultimately do influence who we become later in life, for our environments truly do shape us. It is no wonder that I have PTSD (from a variety of traumas I have experienced and never disclosed), not to mention an anxiety disorder and severe depression. I have always sought help and have seen therapists for years. I recently reached out for help because with everything that has gone on with the pandemic, my symptoms have only been exacerbated by what has been occurring in the world. I have always been incredibly sensitive to my environment. I often wonder, why didn’t my father protect me more? Why did he always come to her defense? Sure, he has bailed me out of situations throughout my life, but I do think it has been out of guilt and in some way, the only way that he has known how to help. I wish things could have been different.

I will say I have put my parents through a lot, and vice versa. We may have had our difficulties in the past and still have some issues today, but the big thing I want to emphasize by writing about all of this is the concept of forgiveness and the importance of it, because without it, it is nearly impossible to move on and function in any way. Is there blame? Yes. Is there hurt and resentment? Yes. But for me to heal and live, I have had to work on forgiving my parents for what has transpired. They chose to give me life, and I am their first born; I laughingly call myself “the tester child.” My sister three years my junior is an incredibly successful person in her field, and I love and respect her tremendously. She has had her struggles too, but she knows how to handle my parents in a way that I have not learned how to. The only thing I can do is love and respect them, and yes, forgive them. They weren’t to know what to do with me when I came into this world, and I can honestly say I wouldn’t know what to do with a child in this world today.

If there is anything that I can express to anyone else through this rambling, is that yes, some of us are going to have fractured relationships with our parents, and yes, our personal relationships are going to suffer due to that. We need try and be cognizant and catch ourselves and have to find ways to forgive them and forgive and love ourselves. My mother is far from perfect, and as I have grown up more and more, I have come to understand that she just is who she is and will never change, and I can’t expect that of her. All I can do is love her for who she is and just forgive. But- I’ll never forget. I don’t think anyone could- and that’s ok. Forgiving is different from forgetting, but it is important and necessary to move on or at least, try.