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A non-Mom, still a Boss Mom

Restoring the masterpiece within each child in foster care

By Anna KopaczPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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photography of a field of common poppy flowers near the 'home'

I’m a non-mom, as all of us who do this work are non-parents.

I just looked at her waiting for her to explain. We had only just met, I walked through the door of the house on the farthest right plot on Miodrzewiowa Street. I got off at the bus stop and walked as per her instructions in our email exchange. The autumn leaves were already beginning to pave a colorful glistering carpet, I caught the eye of a big colorful rabbit. I knew I was in the right place.

We had been sitting along the longest dining room table I had seen in a ‘house.’ I could not help my eyes from continuously scanning the big bookshelves filled with a collection of boardgames, the walls of every color of the rainbow, yet defected and dark in some parts, the cabinet including a china set that could serve a gala dinner. I turned my eyes to meet hers. She had seen my glances but she didn’t seem to mind. I was only seeing a tiny spec of the ‘home’, a building on the outside standing still and on the inside twirling quickly and endlessly.

She continued

“You see, each one of the kids has a mom; in rare cases their mom has passed away. But I am not their mom and I never will be. I am their foster caretaker, I foster them for society.”

Ela was the first non-mom that I met. She has been a non-mom to 25 children in the span of 16 years. She is also a biological mom to 4 children. I have witnessed her transform lives, in a way that is so subtle and yet so remarkably radical.

Ela and other women that are non-moms have transformed me. My meaning of care and nurture for another human became a vastly expansive form. While I previously conformed to one-version-fits-all, now I see infinite ways to nurture another being.

Many of us grow up in a home with a mother, a father, maybe a couple of siblings. If one is lucky, both sets of grandparents are around! Distinctly, grandparents are around if there are quarrels at home from time to time. You know when that is because grandma spoils you with donuts and you melt in sweet bliss. When you return home, it’s like nothing ever happened.

But there is a whole other version of that story. In this other version, there is no sweet bliss and the quarrel never comes to an end. Sometimes there are hours of glass bottles shattering against the wall, screams turning to cries and back to screams again. A spec of sleep can bring you some freedom to escape from the living nightmare. The social help (hopefully) comes. The help never comes quite at the same time in each story -- although each time, it is uniquely a little too late.

Ela’s work as a non-mom impacts the lives of children from the moment they walk through her door. Typically, neither Ela nor the child knows how long their time in the home will actually be. Every minute counts, to adhere to a world outside of that which they came from.

Like the art of restoring paintings, every minute of the work reveals more and more of the colors and beauty of the masterpiece that is beneath the discolored varnish. In the process of restoration, as with the care of a foster child, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Each work is unique and requires processes and techniques that are best suitable for the piece. Every stroke enables the underneath image to become imaginable, become attainable, become visible. Every stroke is a patient initiation from the non-mom to child -- to support, to learn, to care, to encourage, to explain, to explain again and abundantly do so over and over.

The patient work is often in conflict with the essence of time. Often caught in a race to ensure enough of the masterpiece is restored, despite the scars deeply imprinted in the kids memories; the torn corners where the physical damage is irreversible; their return to the inflicting environment just around the corner. Leaving Ela to simply hope. Hope that no more dust gathers on the masterpiece and the child will deliberately continue to restore their inner masterpiece.

72,000 children in Poland* alone have experienced a version of that story in 2019 and are now being taken care of by non-moms. Ela is not a biological mom to these children but she is a super Boss Mom.

I am fortunate for walking through the door of the ‘home’ and have been able to stay and be transformed. Now, I take part in the restoration process, patiently and urgently working with Ela with each of the children that walks through her door.

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* This is the number of children in the Polish foster care system in 2019. This number includes children who had been in foster care in 2018 and those who have entered the system. Approximately 8,000 children enter the foster care system per year - for the first time and / or for the multiple time.

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About the Creator

Anna Kopacz

I study the interactions between humans through the way we communicate, work together and gather. I am fascinated by how our relations with ourselves and with each other are changing the way we think, act and understand our work.

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