5 Things you Need to Know if Your Adult Children have Removed you from Their Lives

When someone makes the decision to exit our lives it can be painful. It is often very easy to turn that upset into anger and see ourselves as the victim. By considering these five points, we hope that you can understand their decision and reach acceptance.

1. They didn't want to hurt you.

I removed a toxic parent from my life this year and through conversations I have had with many adult children that have chosen to do the same, it has become apparent that it is very rarely done to hurt the parent. Sometimes relationships (any kind of relationship) do not work. In those situations it is always best for people to walk away to avoid doing further damage to each other. Why stay in a situation that is growing increasingly more distressing when you have the power to recognise that it is not healthy and move on?

2. It wasn't about the last thing you did.

Often people get hung up on the last disagreement, the last argument or the last conversation. Speaking from experience, it is very rarely about that one incident. There is often a whole host of things (maybe you believe they are all minor) that have done damage to your children and they just can't continue with it anymore.

The final straw in the relationship with my parent was that they said they "hated" being my parent. In reality there was a whole host of bad behaviour I had excused because of those family ties so when those words were said, I felt like I had been released from my obligation to have a relationship with them.

You may be reading this and think "I would never do something like that", in which case I would encourage you to find out what damage you have done. Why is your child refusing to have a relationship with you? Be honest with yourself.

3. We know you didn't have it easy growing up.

Trust me, we have made every excuse under the sun for your behaviour. You weren't educated enough, you didn't know about child development, it was a different time...

We have heard it all before because we used to say it to ourselves. We aren't asking you to build a time machine and go back and change the past. What we wanted was for you to take ownership of your behaviour and your actions and how they have impacted us. As parents we teach our children to apologise when they've hurt others, why do some of us think that we are above doing this?

4. We know you put a roof over our heads.

You may be reading the above and thinking "but I fed that child, I clothed that child and I kept a roof over their head!". Would you like a medal for providing the basic necessities to a child you decided to create? Take responsibility for your actions and decisions. You made choices, including to keep, have and raise a child. The child did not drop on your doorstep one morning out of nowhere.

Do you think I am out of order? Is your response "Well, I could have put them in care if I'd known they would be this ungrateful!". For some of us, that really would have been a better option and we wouldn't have spent our lives being made to feel grateful for the bare minimum.

5. The truth hurts.

When we make the decision to remove a parent from our lives, we grieve. We grieve the parent we could have had. We grieve the parent we hoped you would grow into. It is extremely painful to get to the level of acceptance needed to cut you off because it means we have accepted you completely as you are. We aren't seeing the potential anymore.

Are you a rubbish human being? Hell, maybe. Are you doomed to be like this forever? Not necessarily. Get yourself some therapy, do the inner work and stop blaming others for you decisions, actions and mistakes. If you do this, your children still won't be obligated to have a relationship with you, they don't owe you forgiveness. But maybe you can reach a level of empathy and understanding.