3 AM Feels

by PandaX 13 days ago in siblings

Blood Is Not Thicker Than Water Part II

3 AM Feels
( I don't own this picture )


Let's talk about sister's, the firstborn, our older sister. I bet you many of us can relate to this, the firstborn will always be like their parents, a mother or like their dad (older brother) unfortunately for some of us they treat you like a piece of shit and never once was there for you and never liked you and that was me the little sister.

For as long as I can remember, we have never gotten along and I have never given her my respect and you'll be wondering why? Because the moment I was born she hated me, I know is true because I lived through it and everyone around me, including the family that I still have all confirm it. They were the ones who actually answered me and told me because they felt bad for me, she hated me and did everything in her power to bring me down, even when I thought we can try and change the relationship and I gave her plenty of chances to undo this but she never once did.

Our parents went their separate ways when I was born and she was jealous of the fact that they were arguing who should legally have me and who will be the one looking after me. From that moment my fate with her was already decided, I treat her like the way she treated me. You want respect earn that shit, doesn’t matter if your blood related me, you treat me right and I'll treat you right. Because I was the youngest back then and all my relatives knew actually why she does the thing she does they were there to back me up.

She left me and my little sister with our dysfunctional 'mother' knowing full well what went on in the house and yet has never helped me or us anyways (just because you sent money to me for a month while I was homeless doesn't make up for shit because I know dam well you only helped because dad called you and was worried about me that's why you did it, how I know because he told me. If not for him asking about me you would never have helped me, it was just to cover up and make it looked like you care but in reality, you fucking don't). Leaving me in that emotionally abusive household was your way to gain revenge, the moment I gave up on you was the moment I saw light in my life and a better way of protecting myself against everything and everyone.

When our little sister was born I admit I wasn't the best sister to her and when I saw how I was treating her because of the way I was treated it was too late but we managed to save our sisterly bonding and that was between me and my little sister. My older sister and mother I cut them all off, is toxic to my life and our life.

Praying every night that I want my life to end and falling asleep to my own tears, trying to a good sister and had no choice to be like a mother to my own little sister and used myself as a shield for her was one of the hardest things I had to do. I could have left but no I wanted to stay and my only reason was my little sister if I stayed and be her shield she'll at least be safer with me than when I am not around her. I made that choice having my little sister in mind and never once about me, if I was with her she'll at least have someone she can depend on. I wasn’t great at but I did my best and I try and no one saw, it was just me and her. Not even the outside world, no one knew not till we made it known and even till now it hasn’t been easy moving on and trying to pick up the pieces.


I grew up with my grandparents and our other relatives, I don't even remember my dad and what he looked like, never had a relationship with him but he was there. He remembered everything about me, it took us 15 years to get reconnected. We first began by calling and slowly getting to know one another again, for the first time in my life I saw my dad by face time. I almost cried, I didn’t know what to expect, I was so happy it was the best feeling ever and this happened in the middle of this month July 2020.

I am grateful for my grandparents who shown me loved because speaking honestly that was the only good in me that kept me strong and kept me from being cruel. I could have come out of this situation differently be the horrible person like them but I haven't, I chose to be good and being a good person is harder than being a bad one.

I learn from my mistakes and everything that I've been through but I'm not perfect and I'm still learning. Learning to be okay to have feelings and emotions, to fall and get back again, life isn't easy and our paths will always be different to everyone else. Just remember to take it easy, take a break, breathe, you need to take care of yourself first before someone else.

Being able to reconnect with my dad is the biggest highlights of the year for me, nothing beats this. I want to leave this on a happier note and I hope that whoever is reading this, if you can relate, you're not alone, I see you. Don't give up, it will pass, you are strong, believe in yourself because I believe in you.

Read next: Allie on the Sand

Hey everyone, thank you for dropping by and welcome to my page.

Take a walk with me, through my personal journey and experiences, hence the user name PandaX.

1996 baby's, petite, down to earth Libra

See all posts by PandaX