10 Ways To Build Connection

Close relationships thrive on connection. You can have a relationship without connection, but it won't have closeness, emotional warmth.

Connection is the depth of relationships. When we care for someone and know they care for us. Connection builds trust and cooperation. With kids, connection allows us to take the lead. Our children know they are safe and can relax.

People often say "kids need firm boundaries." And I argue, they don't. They need connection.

Kids need connection with their parents. But also with their "village" made up of extended family, teachers, nannies, friends, and anyone who takes the lead in their care.

Each way you interact with a child is different and requires a different strategy for connection. A teacher at preschool will connect differently from a middle school teacher, but the need for connection does not change with age.

So 10 ideas for building connection

Get interested in their interests.

People love when others are interested in them. The best way to be a skilled conversationalist is to ask questions and listen to their answers. Be interested. Our kids are no different, they want us to be interested in them.

Empathy

Empathy is the validation from another person that your feelings are appropriate and heard. It's the connection during an upset that is so important for building relationships. No one wants to feel shamed for their feelings, which is what dismissing someone’s emotions does.

When we receive validation, we know that we are all right; others accept us even at our ugliest, most vulnerable moments.

Play. Rough and baby play.

Play is how kids learn and given the number of adults who enjoy video games, play sports, watch sports etc, play is very important to everyone. Even if we don’t realize it.

When we play with someone, we learn about them. We talk, we learn. You can explore big ideas in play. Therefore, kids playing video games is great. They can safely explore themes like violence, power, and risk taking without harm. Play is also how we release tension and connect with others casually.

There are two types of play that are great. Rough play like wrestling is great. But also games like dodgeball, running, jumping, crashing, pushing, pulling, and tumbling can be ways we play without interpersonal touch, such as at school.

Baby play is a term I first learned in Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari. She recommends it even for older kids and teens. At first, I had doubts, but it works. It also works well for kids who have a new sibling.

One type is looking at the child’s baby photos and talking about when they were a baby. Older kids will act embarrassed, but they all love it deep inside. But do respect them and don’t drag it out too long.

Also, small things like tickling, snuggling, closeness. Being silly like a version of peekaboo, or we used to play a hand slapping game where we’d sandwich our hands and then the person on the bottom pulls their hand out, then the other person pulls their hand out and you try to be faster but not too fast. I hope that makes sense. Any silly games we play with young kids, we can pull out and engage our older ones in a twist on the game.

Look for similarities.

We like to spend time with people similar to us. We might have a friend in common, we might have the same color shoes, or enjoy a favorite food or color. Whatever small connection you can find and bond with, you can expand on. I’ve heard of people doing this with opposing sides.

Eye contact and proximity

This won’t work for everyone, for some eye contact is too stimulating, so watch the other person for signs of discomfort. Moving into their space and making eye contact brings you into sync with each other.

Take it one step further and get involved in what they are doing. Ask about the show they are watching or the game they were playing. Be interested.

Touch

Again, this won’t work for everyone. In some settings it’s inappropriate and may be too stimulating. But gentle touch or strong touch, depending on the person releases many good feeling endorphins and bonding hormones. Offer a massage, follow their lead on how soft or rough they want the touch to be.

Time

Time is our more valuable resource. We are all busy, so if someone spends time with us, we can feel like a million bucks. So too with kids, it’s so important to take time from our busy lives and spend them together.

Listen

When was the last time someone genuinely listened to you? When was the last time you really listened to another person? It’s such a gift when someone really takes the time and pays attention to us.

You don’t even have to speak, you can just listen, but if you want to respond, use empathy.

Ask them what they need

I’ve had people tell me about their bad day. My first reaction is to offer solutions, but sometimes that’s not what they need. I learned to ask what they need from me. Do they need someone to listen to their problems, advice, or distraction?

Same with my kids. Especially when they complain about pain or boredom. “What do you need? Do you need a hug, or a back rub, or something to help it?”

Usually they just want to be heard and validated. Not dismissing their complaints was helpful for everyone. Their distress often disappeared, unless there was something truly wrong.

Share yourself (when appropriate).

This goes with similarities and empathy. Share your vulnerabilities, similar stories, and how you dealt with it when it happened to you. When giving empathy, especially to kids, just mentioning you’ve felt the same in similar situations, increases the validation.

How do you connect with the young people in your life? And, well, anyone, we don’t need to just connect with kids, our spouses, partners, friends, family and coworkers are all people we connect with.

Get my gentle parent's guide.