10 Things That Will Change as Soon as You Have Kids....

From the moment I had my son, my life changed. I know it sounds cliche, I used to hear people say it and roll my eyes. But it really, really does change everything. Whether you want it to or not, there are certain changes that are pretty much out of your control unless you are some sort of superhero/have the funds to hire an army to do everything for you; which, let's face it, in this day and age, people rarely do. That is especially true if you happen to live in central London like myself and my partner.

I always said having kids wouldn’t change me or let me lose sight of who I am as a person, and whilst I stand by that, there are certain things that I haven’t been able to get a hold of quite yet. So, for all you new parents out there wondering how everyone else has their shit together, they don’t. You are not alone. My little boy is four weeks old today, and whilst I fall more in love with him every minute that passes, I can’t help pining for certain aspects of my life I took for granted before he was born.

So here are 10 things that will change as soon as you have kids:

Your Body

The phrase "No shit, Sherlock" comes to mind, right? You’ve literally grown a human, your body is AMAZING. Look what it's done! It housed and grew and fed a human being and then gave birth to it, and now you are probably still using that body to feed said tiny human who is still relying on your immune system and antibodies through your breastmilk… So yes, your body has changed. A lot. This is very hard for me, I’ve always suffered with body dysmorphia and this just isn’t the body I’m used to. I still have my linea negra, I’m still squishy, my face is still a little puffy, my skin and hair are dry, and my nails are brittle as the pregnancy hormones start to leave my body. My boobs are huge, throbbing, veiny beachballs that leak milk periodically… in my opinion, I’m a sight for sore eyes, but my partner tells me he’s never been more in love. I am a mother, I have done the thing my body was meant to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier to except these changes. But whenever I feel sad that my body isn’t what it was, I look at my baby and realise it was worth it. You can get your body back, don’t fall under the media influenced pressure of "bouncing back," getting your abs back within a week of giving birth. Give yourself time and learn to love the new you.

Your Priorities

Before Roman was born, my partner and I were proud parents to two dogs. We love our dogs more than life itself… but now… we just love our son that little bit more. I never thought I’d say that my dogs were not the most important things in my life. But they just aren’t anymore…

Going out? Not a priority. Showering daily? Not a priority. Dressing nicely and wearing make up? Nope.

I wanted to go straight back to work within weeks of Roman's birth, but now I just want to stare at him and feed him and make sure he’s ok. He is my priority.

Your Sex Life

Hey… how do you feel when you’ve not slept for weeks and you’re wearing pyjamas with baby poop and pee on them, there's vomit in your hair, milk stains on your top, and you haven’t showered for days? Like you wanna fuck? Like the most desirable person in the world? NO?! Didn’t think so.

Hey... have you ever had your vagina spread as wide as it can possibly go, to the point where it splits and you have to be sewn back together? Wanna insert something in there? NO?! Didn’t think so.

My partner and I have not had sex in what feels like forever. I desperately miss the intimacy in our relationship, but I also don’t see where we will be fitting sex in anytime soon. I also feel pretty insecure about my looks and body currently; I know everyone says you get a new mum glow, but I just feel like a frumpy, spotty, over-tired milk factory with a tiny human constantly attached to my boob that is insuring that my posture becomes more and more comparative to that of Quasimodo.

Your Sleep Schedule

I mean… just forget it.

What You Spend Your Money On

I used to love buying clothes for myself; now all I want to do is buy things for my child. This is a mixture of not liking my body so I don’t fit what I would have in the past, and just obsessively styling and spoiling my little boy. All I want to do is buy cute clothes and toys for him. I want him to have the best of everything. He is way better dressed than my partner or I am.

How Much Time You Have

Your time will literally disappear and you will wonder how you will ever get anything done ever again. Slowly but surely you will, and doing the washing up without the baby screaming and crying to be fed or held will feel like the biggest achievement ever. Especially if you’re a breastfeeding mama, you might feel a bit like you’re tied to one spot continuously feeding.

Just to put it into perspective, it has taken me almost a month to finish this article, and I'm sitting on the floor of my room in the dark, next to my kid's crib so that I can play the white noise Youtube videos at the same time and hope he sleeps for long enough to let me upload this.

Your Hygiene Levels (Sorry…)

Having a two minute shower every three to four days will pretty much be an acceptable level of hygiene with a newborn baby.

Your Appearance

I just don’t have the time or energy to prioritise hair and make up, so I feel like I look like an ugly, tired, greasy-haired human 24/7, but that’s fine. My kid is adorable enough for both of us.

The Amount You Worry

For the rest of your life you will be responsible for this human, and from the second they arrive the worries start. Is he okay? Too hot? Too cold? Breathing? Why is he crying? Why ISN'T he crying? It is never ending.

I'm a worrier anyway, but this is insane; we saw three doctors, the midwife, and went to hospital at midnight all in one week because he caught a cold.

The Level at Which You Love

You thought you knew love? You didn’t. You love your partner, your parents, your dogs. You love them SO much, then you have a baby and you’re like, "Oh, holy shit, I would literally die for you.” It is a painful amount of love, an overwhelming, all encompassing, spell-binding love. It is amazing… and terrifying.