Why “That’s Just the Way They Are is Not an Excuse”

How many times have you experienced this: you’ve just encountered someone who is just aggressively mean, rude, and seems to have no problem with it? When you bring it up to someone their response is “oh, that’s just the way they are; you’ll get used to it”.

The number of people that this has happened to is, I’m sure, very high. In fact, maybe you can think of a time in your own life where you’ve excused your poor behavior with “that’s just the way I am”. In saying that, you are just making excuses. Instead of trying to fix the poor behavior, we’ve associated it as a personality trait; but it doesn’t have to be like that.

If you ever catch yourself thinking, “that’s just the way I am”, try to think of it from another’s point of view. Is my behavior hurtful? Are my words hurtful? If the situation was reversed, would I be upset at the behavior, and unwilling to accept “it’s who I am” as an excuse? You’d be surprised at how you are able to fix your bad behaviors by changing the narrative in your head. Unfortunately, we cannot do that for those around us.

I had an unfortunate experience with someone with a “that’s just the way I am” type of attitude, and when I tell you I still get anxiety from the very thought of them even after getting out of the situation entirely, I’m sad to say is true.

I had been warned about them by many; “oh, be careful of them , if they don’t like someone you’ll know it”, or “they’ve made me cry multiple times when they’ve come around”. Does any of this sound normal? But, oh, “that’s just the way they are”, right? When did reducing someone to tears become an acceptable behavior? When did insulting, berating in front of others, or screaming at someone become okay? Have I missed the memo on something?

From the get-go I knew this wasn’t right. Nobody deserved to be treated the way they treated people; even those closest to them. Indeed, nobody was safe from their wrath. I at first began to blame myself; well, if I didn’t put myself in that position, I wouldn’t be experiencing this issue. I know how they were coming into this, maybe I shouldn’t have come here. But, I kept coming back to this: this isn’t normal. This isn’t right.

I was shocked at the amount of people who just took the abuse. The berating comments, yelling in front of a crowd, or calling someone out in a demeaning way in front of our peers.

I began to develop more sleeping issues and stomach problems. Every time they would text, my heart would drop; what did I do this time? Each time the phone rang, and it was them on the other line, I felt my heartbeat begin to increase. And, of course, the night before knowing I’d see them, being up most of the night worrying about every little thing. Being around them was exhausting; I found after each time I was around them the rest of the day was a write-off; I was emotionally drained.

I’m very lucky to say I’m no longer in that situation. Indeed, thanks to someone who agreed their behaviour was unacceptable helped me escape the negative and toxic environment they had created; I’m forever thankful to this person who helped me escape.

I hadn’t realized just how much I had let their opinion consume me, and how much I let their words eat away at me, as if with each word, a piece of my soul was lost.

It’s unfortunate because I still carry the issues around with me. I question my self worth, my work ethic, my intelligence and my abilities. They made me feel like I was incapable of anything; it’s taking a long time to rebuild everything they so effortlessly tore down.

So, what’s to learn from my unfortunate story? Other than as a way for me to finally try and distance myself from all the negativity I experienced, and accepting it was always my fault, I chose to actively accept that “that’s just the way they are!” Is not an excuse for someone’s behaviour.

I learned also, that this can apply to myself in certain situations. Yes, I too have found myself guilty of thinking well that’s just me; but I have to shift the narrative.

It shouldn’t have to be said, but unfortunately it does: don’t accept the way people treat you and dismiss their actions because of perceived personality. It’s a no win situation for everyone included.