Weapons of Classroom Destruction

Ever hold some 'reservations' before writing something? But then you think, “Ah, what the heck, it couldn’t hurt. Why not?” So, with that being said, I think this piece could go either one of two ways; for I am well aware that some professor or even some concerned parent (or a Ken & Karen combo) may skim over this article, someday, and in so doing they may begin to glare at these written words in front of them — unable or unwilling to fathom what it is I am freely sharing with likes of the common Jack & Jill. And though they may be easily persuaded and corrupted at such a tender age, my only assurance is... There will be no assurances in classroom war.

In fact, these teachers may start to sweat just a bit. We know teachers are under-appreciated, after all! But we love our teachers, don’t we? Yet, if you've read anything of mine before, you know that I don’t quite fit the mold. I can be a bit of a contrarian. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not picking on our teachers. They are essential, right? Of course, I'm being rhetorical in the matter. Even so, I can envision one of them, now, picking up a stress ball as they read this — or perhaps snapping HB pencils in frustration? — as I go on and reveal precisely what it is that I’m about to reveal.

You see, I’m about to level the playing field, and the students, they won’t mind — not in the least! I dare say, they’ll be skimming through this article and think… ‘daang, well I’m about to be armed, dangerous, and ready for after-school detention. Bring it, Missy — send in the clone!’ And so you may feel just a little bit powerless at the thought of the untold shenanigans that could ensue. Well, it's a pity, I suppose, for I feel that Gen Z should have at least a few of the same advantages as I had growing up.

And I’m not talking about the fun in the 90s that came from rolling marbles into dirt holes or slamming POGs down on pavement — both of which were great ways to teach gambling to children, by the way. But that's another story. Rather, a far greater contribution to this era (if you allow me to break the suspense, for you may just feel as though I’m releasing some top military secret weapon out into the great wide open). So, without further ado, go prepare your yardstick and keep it at the ready in the classroom!

I know the suspense is just killing you. There ought to be some terrified teachers who, at this point, are no doubt huddling over their computer screens in absolute bewilderment. But here it goes anyway. The secret is...

Paper hornets. That's it! All you need is paper and a rubber band! I spilled the beans.

The paper — a couple of centimetres wide (and which needs to be of a sufficient quality) — is then folded 3 to 4 times, bent in the middle, and finally hung over the elastic band, whilst the band is stretched between the thumb and index finger.

Of course, there are plenty of instructions on the web to help you achieve the perfect aerodynamic paper hornet. And that being said, we should have a classroom chock full of lethal snipers before the beginning of the new school year. It’s all part of the equation, but it won’t be on the exam!

So good luck out there, all you troublemakers. Aim and fire at will — Preferably at the teacher waving a yardstick. I myself am preparing for the hate mail from the school board that is surely going to arrive in my mailbox this summer. And I already dread it more than this year's wildfire smoke.