Unapologetically, Authentically Me

“I’m an extremely left-leaning hippie liberal feminist who is open-minded and willing to listen to all sides of an argument. I’m a witch or, more specifically, a kitchen witch who works magic through cooking. I’m an energy-healer and I specifically focus on the chakras, though I’m a Reiki master as well. I read tarot and oracle cards. I am an advocate, I’m an ally, and I’m adamantly anti-racist.”

WHO I WAS

I walked away from a twenty-five year college teaching career in August 2020, partly by choice and partly by circumstance. That’s a story better left for another time. I love teaching… but I do not love the politics of the academy nor do I love the shift to higher education as a business model where students are the customers who are “always right” and who have a sense of entitlement that they think frees them from actually doing coursework.

WHAT I DID

I have always introduced myself to students so they were clear on who they were getting for the semester but I used to hide those aspects of myself that I feared would create uneasiness or discomfort among the students. I always explained that I was (and still am) a single mother. I always shared my research foci with students so they would be aware of my critical perspective. I often shared my financial precarity, especially during the ten years I spent as adjunct faculty not knowing from one semester to the next whether or not I would have classes to teach and, thus, a paycheck, and I often shared my history of living in poverty. I wanted students to know that they could be anything they wanted to regardless of perceived obstacles.

After my son graduated from high school, I decided to attempt to re-enter the tenure track, a difficult endeavor after so many years as an adjunct. I was offered multiple interviews, including two where I ultimately became a finalist and interviewed on-site. One interview was for a SUNY campus in upstate New York. The institution was in a very small town that was predominantly white where their tour of the town included showing me all the best fishing holes. I knew this wasn’t the environment for me and that my outspokenness and strong liberal feminist views wouldn’t be welcome. I was no longer willing to hide any aspect of myself so I prayed that they wouldn’t offer me the position.

The other face-to-face interview was for one of the CUNY community colleges. Although I was living in the DC metro area at the time, New York City was my vibe. The energy, the people… I knew I belonged there. But I also knew that I needed to be authentically, unapologetically myself. I decided that if I was authentic and an institution hired me, it meant they accepted me for who and how I am. And I was unabashedly authentic.

During the interview, near the end, the program director asked, “If we were to ask your former students to describe you, what would they say?” I smiled. “They would say I’m a crazy little white woman.” He got a weird look on his face. “I’m not sure what that means.” So I continued, “I’m crazy because I’m willing to try anything once. I’m Italian, so I use my hands a lot and my arms tend to flail around while I’m teaching, especially if I’m passionate about something. I’m five feet two inches tall, so I’m little, but I’m not afraid of anybody or anything. And I’m totally outspoken and not afraid to speak my mind.” At that point, he started laughing. “Well, we’re all like that.” Another faculty member on the committee was nodding her head. He then asked if I had any questions. I said I did and asked, “Are those mini bell peppers and packages of cookies in the middle of the conference table?” “Yes!” “Who combines those two things?” I asked. “We do,” he said. “Would you like some peppers?” “Absolutely!”

I was offered the CUNY job. I was also offered the SUNY job but thankfully, that offer arrived after I had accepted the CUNY position.

I relocated to Brooklyn and my program director greeted me with a house-warming gift: a bag of mini bell peppers! He told me that as soon as I asked that question, they all knew I would be perfect for the position and that I would fit well in the program. It reinforced my commitment to myself to be authentic and unapologetic about who and how I am. It also reinforced my decision to trust that an institution existed that would accept me.

THE REAL ME

In addition to introducing myself with the blurb I provided at the beginning, I also explained to students that I teach through storytelling. We humans are, by nature, storytelling creatures, I explained. I also described all the times that learning was especially easy for me because my instructors used personal stories to illuminate the theories in action. “For me,” I said, “that was most effective and so that is the teaching strategy I use.” I continued, “You will learn far more about me than you ever wanted to. But if I can’t apply a theory or concept to my personal life, then what’s the point of learning it?” Students generally agreed. I also made it clear that if students weren’t or wouldn’t be comfortable with my style of teaching, they could enroll in a section with a different instructor.

After my decision to reveal my true self, it became clear that my teaching evaluations—which, honestly, are little more than popularity contests and don’t at all reveal an instructor’s skill or mastery of the subject—were not going to be as high as they had once been. They were still very high and often skewed the college norm, but students felt as if they were free to honestly discuss me, just as I was honest with them.

Students either loved me or they hated me. There was no in-between. And that’s fine. I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. I began to add that to my first-day comments as well. The students who loved me REALLY loved me. The students who hated me truly despised me. There were many more students who loved me than hated me but that, too, became a problem. Because students loved me and felt safe with me, I often had a collection of students in my office during office hours. My most recent department chair at one of the campuses of the California State University (where I relocated for five years to care for my ailing mother through the end of her life) described it as my entourage. She insisted I had groupies. She thought it was fantastic. Other colleagues, though, did not. They were jealous. Some would ask me how I got students to actually come to office hours. I explained that they just wanted to, most likely because I was authentic with them in the classroom and because I created a safe space.

Unfortunately, it soon became an unsafe space for me. My colleagues targeted me, attempted to sabotage me and my career. Because they were jealous of my rapport with students. They recruited the students who hated me so they could use that information against me. And why? In no way did my position, my success, or my failure affect them in any way. But such are the politics of the academy. So I walked away.

I still love teaching. Now, instead of doing it in a classroom, I teach through my writing and my energy healing. It’s the essence of who I am and that will never change.

I’m still an extremely left-leaning hippie liberal feminist. I’m still a witch. I still believe everything is energy. I’m still unapologetically, authentically me. And I love that about myself.