To This Day Project

**Trigger warning for mental health and suicide awareness**

This poem changed my life when I found it back in high school so I thought I would find the time to write about it. I used to have the words of this poem hanging on the wall of my bedroom when I was sixteen years old. I love the message behind this spoken word project. I think it's important to realize the words we use can hurt other people. But you can let the pain that you have endured inspire you. There's a reason for everything in my opinion. I wanted to dissect this poem a little bit and add my thoughts on it. Please feel free to listen to the words while you read this post. Let it change you.

As if broken bones

Hurt more than the names we got called

And we got called them all

So we grew up believing no one

Would ever fall in love with us

That we'd be lonely forever

That we'd never meet someone

To make us feel like the sun

Was something they built for us

In their tool shed

So broken heart strings bled the blues

As we tried to empty ourselves

So we would feel nothing

Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone

This part really resonates with me because I constantly chase romantic relationships to fill the void in my heart from my childhood. I always felt more complete when I was in a relationship with someone and I have been that way since I was in high school. Being single is really a challenge for me and I have really worked hard on being more independent and not relying on a partner to heal me. A broken heart is hard to heal. I don't think you ever forget your childhood bullies. I used to have an eating disorder in high school because of the way the other girls fat shamed me. And I wasn't even overweight. I cry for my old self because I just want to show her she's worthy of love and healthy friendships, not empty ones.

And they’ll never understand

That she’s raising two kids

Whose definition of beauty

Begins with the word mom

Because they see her heart

Before they see her skin

Because she’s only ever always been amazing

This part hits home for me now. Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will forever hurt. My kids are my whole life and I honestly get overwhelmed by how much they love me because I feel like I don't deserve love. I struggle with relationships because of my ex-partners abuse. Which not a lot of people understand. I cry everytime I hear this part because of it. I know I am not the only mom who feels that way.

All of these were miles ahead of who we were

We were freaks

Lobster claw boys and bearded ladies

Oddities

Juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle

Trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal

But at night

While the others slept

We kept walking the tightrope

It was practice

And yeah

Some of us fell

But I wanna tell them

That all of this

Is just debris

Leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought

We used to be

And if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself

Get a better mirror

Look a little closer

Stare a little longer

Because there's something inside you

That made you keep trying

Despite everyone who told you to quit

You built a cast around your broken heart

And signed it yourself

You signed it

"They were wrong"

I have never really fit in and I'm okay with that now as an adult. People chose to see what they want to. Not many people can see the invisible pain of depression and abuse. You survived. That's what I like to tell myself. I chose to survive. My heart may be broken and bruised but it's good. People are going to misunderstand you no matter what in life but by showing up and being your authentic self, you manage to inspire people. Just like the way Shane Koyczan inspired me all those years ago.

Don't worry

We only got out to walk and get gas

We are graduating members from the class of

We made it

Not the faded echoes of voices crying out

Names will never hurt me

Of course

They did

But our lives will only ever always

Continue to be

A balancing act

That has less to do with pain

And more to do with beauty

This part hurts. I lost a friend from high school to suicide back in 2019. I will never forget the day he came to say goodbye. He struggled with mental health for a long time. But when he came to visit me and my ex partner, he was happy. Everything was going great. He loved his new job, he had loving friends in his new city. Our mental health used to clash back in the day. I remember him calling me "a slut that just cuts her wrists". I never forgot that or forgave him. I still struggle with his death and I know he guides me when I write now. He was a beautiful poet. I miss him to this day. He was one of the ones that couldn't be saved. He needed to look in the mirror a little longer and see his worth. I will never forgive him for leaving. We could have survived high school together. He was so wrong for committing suicide. We all loved him.

I know I write a lot about mental health but to me it's important because of the way my friend lost his life. I wasn't joking when I said he guides me while I write.

I hope this poem saves someone else's life. Because it truly saved mine and that's why I had to write a piece on it. Mental health is something that we all struggle with. Some people just lose the battle. I am going to survive. In memory of my friend that lost his life.

I hope this post finds someone in need.

Chloe Rose Violet