The Pampered Opposite: How to Raise Thoughtful, Generous, and Smart Children When It Comes to Money by Ron Lieber - book review

Because it was June 1, International Children's Day, I'm giving you a summary of Ron Lieber's book "The Pampered Opposite: How to Raise Thoughtful, Generous, and Smart Children When It Comes to Money."

It is a book for parents, whose beneficiaries are children. Ron Lieber is convinced that good parenting means talking openly to children about money, arguing that early financial discussions will help them be more thoughtful, patient, and down-to-earth.

Below are some interesting ideas from this book:

• The decisions we make about money, the money we earn, and the money we have at any given time are related to a lot of feelings. On the one hand, we often feel pride, joy, and enthusiasm for the things we can afford. Sometimes, however, doubt, shame, embarrassment, and envy creep in;
• People are not impartial about money and they are certainly not calm and rational about their children. Therefore, this formidable combination often makes it incredibly difficult for parents to talk openly and honestly with their children about it;
• The subject is complicated regardless of the socio-economic level of the family. Wealthy parents, with more money than they need to live, will set artificial limits for their children almost every day. Therefore, their decisions about how much to spend with the little ones and when to cut them off for teenagers are more emotional than financial;
• Middle-class and working-class parents often struggle with the hardships of living from one salary to the next, while trying to give their children as much diversity and fun as possible. But here, too, emotions come into play when children ask questions about why their family doesn't have more money, and for parents, the questions sound like accusations;
• The economic crisis of 2008-2009 has made it clear that many adults are not good at finance, from millions of people borrowing more money than they should have to mortgage lenders who have directed them to investment bankers. -they turned the loans into securities that they knew would blow up;

Pampered children tend to have 4 main things in common, although they are not required to be present at the same time:

1. have little housework or other responsibilities,
2. do not have to follow too many rules regarding behavior or program,
3. parents and others around them are overly generous with their time and help,
4. they have a lot of material goods.

Correct approaches

• You don't have to spend too much money to pamper a child, and 3 of the 4 factors in my definition of "pampering" cost nothing. Even the last one - the excess of possessions - can be valid even in the case of children who are far from being rich, depending on how many relatives care about that child. The parents of middle-class and working-class children are equally concerned about materialism and privilege, given that all children are exposed to the same culture;
• Instead of assuming that discussions about money overturn values, and are rude or tactless, we should do the exact opposite and accept these discussions to raise virtuous children;
• Money is of the utmost importance, but it is also a tool we can use to instill in our children the values ​​we want them to adopt: curiosity, patience, temperance, modesty, generosity, perseverance, and perspective;
• Any conversation about money is about values. Pocket money also refers to patience. Giving refers to generosity. Work refers to perseverance. Negotiating their desires and needs and the difference between the two has a lot to do with prudence and temperance. And going through all these discussions is the children's desire to have a perspective - to know why they may have more than most people in the world, but they probably won't have more than all their peers. And why isn't it a shame to have more or less, as long as you are grateful for what you have, share generously with others, and spend wisely on the things that make you happiest? It is valid for our children, but also us;
• The children are extremely curious. Money is part of everyday life and is one of the things that many people value most. Therefore, children will look for information about them in all possible ways. They will search Google and present their findings. Either they will approach us with their minds full of heard numbers, which are correct but incomprehensible at an early age, or they will speak with a specific adolescent conviction about inaccurate figures they have learned elsewhere. And they will ask about a lot of sensitive topics. How much do you earn? Are we rich? Can we buy a house for that homeless man?
• Many parents still think it is not appropriate to talk about money with their children because of their age. I don't know enough math to gather large numbers, they say, so it's better to ask them questions than to try to talk to them on an equal footing. "It's none of your business" is the typical answer, which is neither too kind nor too true. After all, it's their job to be curious. And, as family members, they are no doubt interested in her income and profits;
• The instinctive silence around money can also be an answer to the opposite - the heated quarrels that our parents may have had about the family's finances. These arguments can imprint specific teachings: money is bad. The money is frightening. Not enough money. Talking about money inevitably leads to strong feelings and conflict. These conclusions may be true in some contexts, but they should not be so if we speak carefully about the subject. Therefore, we should not pass on these beliefs to our children;
• One way to make sure your children know that questions are welcome is to praise them every time they ask questions so that they become a habit;
• Curious children, especially older ones, yearn to better understand how their parents think about important decisions that affect their lives. They do not have much power, so knowledge is the best thing for them. Therefore, if possible, we should try to make them understand how we make such important decisions;
• The children follow us carefully and, challenging our expenses, challenge our priorities and values. But curiosity is just another word for their full-blown attempts to understand how the world works and how adults make decisions. If you get upset and become defensive about it, your children will not be smarter. And while our answers may not always be satisfactory, we should try to offer one in any case;
• Children can ask us how much we earn and we need to be prepared with an answer. And the best way to approach it is to explain to them that we want to tell them our salaries before they get to high school, but first, they need to learn a lot more about how much the things the family has and does. After all, it is not the income figure that matters here, but the context. How much do we have to spend each month and what do we choose to spend? How much is left at the end, if there is anything left, and why do we save that money?
• Aren't these rhetorical questions? Start with lower monthly bills, cable, cell phones, and electricity. Teach them how to make a simple table to keep track of;
• Talk to them about insurance. Are insurance for such unlikely but costly events? Health insurance, housing, car insurance, life insurance;
• If this conversation does not discourage their curiosity, they are ready to know what rent, mortgage, or monthly rate of real estate or personal loan you have and how many years you will pay them. To get them even more involved, ask them to estimate the amount of all these costs or do some research online instead of giving them the information. Explain them and pay taxes;
• When telling teens about family income, remind them that the information may not be of much value to their friends. Many of us live in a community and send our children to schools where most people are in a relatively narrow income niche and are not particularly interested in how much other families earn;
• How much we earn and how we earn are two elements so essential to our lives that it seems fundamentally wrong to wrap them in mystery and silence. And if we are always talking about money, answering questions when they arise and giving our children the real context will be natural, not a surprise or a privilege;
• The pocket money we give to children should not be independent, not a salary, but a teaching tool that becomes more and more accurate and powerful over a decade of annual increases in the amount and increased responsibility;
• Pocket money helps children learn to save and spend, skills they do not have the opportunity to practice in many other ways during childhood. He is at a point in his life when the stakes are quite low, so the inevitable mistakes don't matter much. In addition, the main virtue of pocket money is that it learns to be patient;
• An important part of our overall goal is to teach children the ability to wait, and the most important thing about pocket money is what will happen when they are too old to receive it;
• We, the parents, are working to train adults and we should do our best not to waste the opportunity to create great people with 15 or 20 years of experience in money management;
• With enough practice, our children can develop the kind of restraint that will keep them out of trouble, but still, allow them to spend enough on the things that bring them the greatest joy;
• For a calculation related to how much money a child should receive each week, in the case of children under 10, 1 $/week multiplied by the number of years is a good start, with an increase each year, for their birthday of birth. We want to see how the money multiplies and strive for a goal, so they should have enough to buy some of what they want, but not so much that they don't have to make a lot of difficult choices;
• The fact that we start with a little allows us to grant more frequent or more important increases if the initial amount does not seem appropriate (and we avoid reducing it, which can give the impression of punishment);

• The pocket money can be divided into 3 transparent plastic containers: one for expenses, one for donations, and one for savings. This is the first budget;
• Sharing money gives them the idea that some money is for immediate spending, we give some to people who may need them more than we do, and we keep others for when we need or want something later;
• The Expense Container keeps the money for occasional impulsive shopping. It is fascinating to see what drives children to buy something, once the money is theirs. They often have trifles at random, but that's part of the process of letting them practice. After all, how can we teach them to control their impulses if we do not observe them in real-world conditions with real money?
• The second is the Donation Box. Just as we share our toys with our friends, we share some of the money with the people who need them, only in the case of money we do not expect to receive them back. Even the youngest children understand that the more money you put in the donation bin, the more you can help. The fact that they wait until the container is full before donating the money will give them a sense of true fulfillment. Families who do a lot of volunteer work should also talk about this since money is not the only way they can donate;
• The last container is the Savings Jar. For younger children, a savings goal should be a relatively short-term start. By maintaining modest goals, they are more likely to achieve them;
• What exactly do we want our children to buy and what kind of expenses should we ban? From the age of 5, children are prepared to take into account their wishes and needs and to know the difference;
• We need food to eat, clothes to wear, a house to sleep in, doctors and medicine to be healthy;
• Then come the things we want, such as sweets, sports equipment, toys, and vacations;
• Some parents decide from the beginning that everything their child wants - as opposed to what he needs - will be paid for with his money set aside;
• We will also need a list of forbidden things, which changes over time as children develop new interests and companies invent more and more inappropriate ways to satisfy them. Some examples: app purchases, candy, knives, dogs, iPhones, violent video games, Barbie dolls, tattoos, and trampolines;
• Many parents tie their pocket money to housework. These parents believe that the payment of household chores is good preparation for the real world, in which the compensation will depend on the prompt and competent accomplishment of the assigned tasks. They are also afraid that if I simply give them pocket money without asking for anything in return, the children will become lazy and think they deserve it;
• It is a real joy to spend money on objects and experiences that bring happiness and lasting memories. This pleasure is not something to be ashamed of or to reprimand our children for, we should even encourage it;
• Our children are constantly in what is called the "economy of dignity." Thus, their feelings about their worth often increase or decrease depending on the ever-changing standards of possessions and experiences that matter in their small universes;
• Kids love special events and we love to celebrate them with them. So how do we make these moments unique and memorable, without being incredibly extravagant? The occasion of the first fallen tooth is a good starting point because children often anticipate more than they expect their birthday or the arrival of Santa Claus. It is also one of the first opportunities to explicitly ask for ice money;
• One of the fastest-growing family budget expenditures relates to youth sports. Coaches encourage children to train all year round and specialize from an early age. But more and more people are wondering if they're not fooled into supporting a new form of pampering, especially if kids don't have as much fun playing as they used to;
• The more families spend on children's participation in various sports as a percentage of their income, the more likely they are to feel pressured, the less they enjoy sports, and the less likely they are to be motivated to continue;
• Parents play a key role in shaping generosity, and researchers have shown that if parents donate, children tend to donate as well. Most importantly, it is useful for parents to talk about their children's donations. And the more parents donate, the more likely they are to discuss donations with their children. The same goes for volunteering;
• The best way to help children learn about donations is to give them a place at the discussion table when adults make decisions about it. This may involve some changes in our routine. It also means making an effective household budget for donations and thinking of them as a big pie that we consciously and conscientiously share;
• In 1998, about 45% of American children between the ages of 16 and 19 had a job, a percentage that has remained the same for about half a century;
• Part-time jobs are correlated with high college prospects and good general education if the teen does not work more than 15 hours a week;
• What our children can learn from a paid job is a work ethic, that vague expression that captures the ability to listen, make an effort, cooperate, do our best, and hold on to a task. until we finish it and do it properly;
• In Japan, students prepare lunch and clean up afterward every day. The English translation of the daily ritual is "respecting the mealtime", which wants to convey the curiosity about what would otherwise be a dull routine. The teachers leave the room at the appointed time, and the students assigned for that day put on their white clothes and go to the school kitchen. They return bringing huge pots of stew and rice, serving their colleagues and carrying the empty dishes back to the kitchen;
• It is not easy to get our children to do more and earlier in cooking, cooking, and cleaning the house. It takes exercise and perseverance, just as we may need to follow them in the first few months of music lessons when they moan and comment when things don't go their way;
• Every child can contribute to the preparation of meals in a significant way and we should not pay them to eat, boil pasta, or clean. It's not like we're without authority: first, we control the dessert. But play meetings, time spent in front of the TV, and car privileges are tools we can use if our children need more than a gentle urge to finish their normal chores around the house and in the kitchen;
• If we want our children to become more sensitive to the fact that not everyone has everything they have, it is helpful to look for friends beyond social class, both for our children and us. A good reason for them to spend time with different people is to realize that no one has a monopoly on happiness and that it is often a great pleasure to enter a world that does not look like yours;
• Having more money than enough is a wonderful thing. What we don't want, however, are children who have no curiosity about people other than themselves and do not understand what it means to have less. We try to instill sensitivity in them and not assume that everyone is the same in terms of available resources and options;
• Children are not born with too much self-control. From an early age, they will take other people's toys, eat sweets until they feel sick, and stay outside in the sun all day, until they become red like crabs. Later, they will play video games until their eyes blur, if we let them and they will stay awake until sunrise;
• But at the same time, children are extremely aware that the economic law that governs their lives most directly is the law of lack: in general, nothing is enough;

• Therefore, children are accustomed to limits. At home it is desirable to establish them to a reasonable extent and to do it consistently. This can be extremely difficult when many of the boundaries we set are completely invented. Many children want much more than we are willing to give them. Those of us who have grown less than we have now may not be able to suppress the desire for our own children not to miss anything. "I don't want" requires a much greater conviction than "I can't";
• One of the most profound challenges when having children is that their education is not just about shaping financial values ​​and decision-making skills. To teach them means to question our priorities, which is beneficial in any situation. So, for adults, the definition of how much is enough must take place as early as possible in the process of raising and educating children;
• We can't have or do everything we want, and this is a lesson we need to remind children of. Even if there is enough money, there is not enough time. Basically, the question of how much is enough is reflected in the choices we make almost every day. And many of the choices are compromises;
• One of the most basic yet emotionally complex trade-offs for adults is to spend less now to make more money later;

• We don't have to talk about money all the time. Intelligence, kindness, devotion, health - these come first. We want them to be interested, but not obsessed with money. It would be disappointing if money were the first thing he thought of every day;
• So, in the nearly 20 years that children have lived with us, we should try to have enough conversations about money and the values ​​behind our financial decisions. Only then will we have a complete picture of our situation, what we stand for, and how we make our financial decisions;
• It is not up to us how much money our children will earn. But we can influence their attitude towards what they are being honest about what we do with our money now. He should know how to save, but also when and how to pamper himself. He should also know how to defend himself against his own feelings about money and those of others who may be manipulating him;
• It is an essential part of raising and educating children, even more important than preparing them for standard exams or driving licenses;
• We don't have much time, and the years go by so fast. We still have these conversations, because they last over time. They are an essential part of training a successful and satisfied adult.

P.S. If you like to read while drinking coffee, you can offer me a coffee too.

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