The B-side of my life, there have been numerous mood swings

The B-side of my life has seen numerous mood swings.

After the first enrollment, there was a period lay on my bed in the dormitory every night, covering my head with the quilt, silently weeping because I missed my hometown, because I was uncomfortable with the land, and because I was anxious and worried, wondering if I could adapt to the university stage of my study life. I also told my worries: many of my classmates around me were gold and silver medal winners in the national competition, but I was only the first prize winner in the provincial competition, and my score in the guaranteed student exam was only 0.5 points higher than the admission line, so I was literally "rubbing the line" to enter Tsinghua. Will I not be able to catch up with everyone?

The counselor encouraged me with the school motto "self-improvement and virtue" and said, "As long as you persist in your efforts, you will always make progress slowly, and if you can't catch up with everyone in one year, you can use two or three years." I was half convinced, but after thinking about it, there was no other way, so I convinced myself to put my mind at ease and turn my worries into action. I went to the classroom as often as I could, and when I didn't understand something, I went to the teacher or teaching assistant to answer questions. Occasionally, when I have free time, I will meet my new friends for a walk or chat, or participate in various social work and club activities to actively adapt to the study life of the university.

After receiving the special award for undergraduate students and being guaranteed a master's degree, I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was happy with the good results I had achieved before; on the other hand, I was also scared because I heard the voices around me that "it is useless to be good at studies and I may not be good at research". I was affected by the mood swings, and after I started to do my final project in the second semester of my senior year, my study status fell to a low point: I finished my classes every day, did my experiments in a sketchy way, and then returned to the dormitory early to watch TV shows and play games in front of the computer. Looking back, I was watching the same old TV dramas with no new ideas, and playing games like "Minesweeper" and "Solitaire" that came with the computer system, which was extremely boring, but I was still immersed in them and could not extricate myself. I played this game for more than two months, and my project progressed slowly and I seemed depressed.

My mentor saw my abnormality and specifically talked to me after a group meeting. After learning of my concerns, my mentor said to me, "Good academic performance during your undergraduate studies means that you are smart and diligent enough, and your basic knowledge is solid, then you have potential in scientific research. When you enter graduate school, besides being smart and diligent, you also need to be methodical: you can do well in research by doing experiments well, but also by reading more literature and actively thinking about academic problems."

With the encouragement of my supervisor, I slowly adjusted my mentality and gradually improved the length and efficiency of doing experiments and reading literature, and finally got better and successfully got my Ph.D. and was honored to receive the special award for graduate students.

The B-side of my life was that I wanted to give up in the middle of the process numerous times.

My doctoral project is "Material design and properties of sublimable ionic iridium complexes", from the scientific point of view, it can solve the bottleneck of traditional material design and realize the regulation of material physicochemical properties; from the aspect of intellectual property, it can break through the core patent restrictions held by other countries, which is of strategic significance. My mentor told me that this topic is very difficult, and several times I let students try it before, all to no avail; however, this topic is really important and interesting, and suggested I try it.

The newborn calf was not afraid of the tiger. With the encouragement of my mentor, I was eager to give it a try. I first looked up the information online and read the literature and found that there was only one research paper in the whole field at that time, published five years ago in an internationally renowned journal in the field of materials science, and nothing like it had been reported since. This made me curious: was there no progress in this field in such a long time? So, I wrote an email to the corresponding author of the paper and asked what the follow-up was. I got a quick reply, saying that "the subject is really difficult", but that I might as well give it a try. So, I was excited to try: I designed and synthesized various materials, purified them, and then characterized their physicochemical properties to see if they could be sublimated ......

Little did I know that this would be a full two-year experiment. I worked diligently, but the results of my failures were written all over my experimental notebook. This made me feel frustrated, and I gradually realized the difficulties and hardships of research and even began to doubt my ability. As I watched my fellow Ph.D. students publish papers one after another, I couldn't sit still and couldn't sleep or eat, so I approached my advisor several times and proposed the idea of changing the topic. My supervisor said to me, "You are already an expert in this field, so it is a pity that you do not go on. Why don't you stick with it for another six months, and if you still can't do it by then, let's change the direction!"

I was half-hearted, but I didn't want to give up, so I followed my mentor's advice and kept going. Finally, after trying seven material systems, we made a breakthrough. In the following years, I synthesized nearly 100 new materials, prepared nearly 1,000 organic light-emitting devices, and wrote 18 books and nearly 4,000 pages of experimental records. They are stacked together like a small mountain, detailing my little efforts and making me feel grounded and comforted.

Flowers and applause on one side, tears, and struggles on the other

After graduating with my Ph.D., I went to the University of Toronto, Canada, alone to conduct postdoctoral research. I had to leave early and return late every day, and there was often not a single pedestrian on my way to and from work. It was difficult to return home, which made me feel sad and lonely like a dark cloud hanging over my head.

One night when I first arrived, I was walking near the school, and as I walked, I didn't realize that the sky was dark, the wind was blowing, and it was snowing. I got lost in the darkness and could only walk along in every direction with my general memory, and so it took me more than two hours to get back to the department building. I was tired, cold, hungry, and in shock, and once I entered the office, I couldn't help but cry. When my brothers and sisters saw me, they came over to comfort me and stuffed all kinds of snacks into my hands, saying, "Eat something, you'll feel better!"

Friendship and time are both good medicine. After drifting overseas for a long time, I gradually became familiar with my brothers and sisters and got used to this lonely and busy life. I often went to the lab at 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning to work to speed up the experimental progress, and I had complaints and grievances. When I was tired, I swore in my heart, "I'm so tired of doing experiments, I'll never do research again!" Then, I go to the gym to run or swim to release the pressure; when I am sleepy, I lie down on the desk in the office and take a nap, then drink a cup of coffee or eat ice cream and continue working ...... Deep inside, I turn my longing for my country, Tsinghua, and my friends and family into the motivation to work hard. The biggest pillar of my spirit during those years was "returning home soon after my studies".

At the beginning of this year, I returned to my motherland and my alma mater as I had hoped, and became a young teacher. I felt happy to be able to work with the teachers I used to respect and teach in the garden, which was a great honor. In the face of new pressures and challenges, anxiety came over me, and I still stumbled on my way.

This is the B-side of my life. Some people may say, in your eyes, the word "hard work" seems to be an understatement, is it still considered a B-side? I would like to say that hard work is just an attitude toward life, not a realm that must be achieved every day. Even now, I have developed a stable, clear perception of most things, but I am still occasionally affected by the people and events around me and experience mood swings or ups and downs in my state. Anxiety, trepidation, frustration, and burnout ...... are distress that I have often experienced and agonized over. But, so what? We are all mortal, and as long as the overall is in a spiral state can be, there is no need to demand that they are as accurate as a clock, like an ascetic life.

Side A is flowers and smiles, honor, and applause. side B is tears and struggles, the same precious journey of the heart. I remember the first light-emitting material I synthesized, which emitted beautiful light under the UV lamp. At that moment, I fell in love with the luminescent material at first sight and truly appreciated the beauty of research and chemistry. I remember those early mornings when I walked to the department building with the sunrise, those nights spent in the laboratory, and those days when I focused on academic research. I believe that there will be rough and bumpy roads as well as unexpected scenery on the way to the peak of science.

Side A is me

Side B is also me

Together, they form the complete and true me

Because growth is a continuous and undulating process

It will not be smooth sailing

And it doesn't happen overnight

But at the same time

Every effort is not in vain

They are like a seed

Silently laying the groundwork and building up strength

One day they will take root and sprout

And blossom like a flower

To make the legend of life