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Report Card Comments

Rewriting stock advisory tips from the school comment bank.

By John Oliver SmithPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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Report Card Comments
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

One of the accomplishments I am most proud of in my years on the planet to this point is that I had the magnificent opportunity to teach a variety of students in a variety of content areas in a variety of grade levels in a variety of schools in a variety of locations all over the world. It has been said that variety is the spice of life. If that is true, then teaching school has offered me a multitude of chances to spice up my life over the years. There are so many things that take place in a school building that warm the heart, tickle one’s fancy, make one cry, piss one off, blow one’s mind or drop one to the floor in a fit of laughter. I enjoyed pretty much every aspect of teaching during my 32 years in the classroom. From the first day of school in September to the last day in June, to the field trips, to the hands-on activities, to coaching teams at tournaments, to tutorials for students, to making up lessons and exams.

There were times, of course, when things HAD to be done and with those times usually came some feelings of servitude and catering to the mundane. One such time which came along, about four (or more) times in the school year were the reporting periods. These were the times when the teacher got to make up exams, mark exams, record marks, make comments on student progress and then report it all to parents and the students themselves. Students who were at least semi-aware of what was going on in their lives and parents who paid attention to what their students were doing on a daily basis were never surprised by the reports made by teachers regarding the standing of the students in one’s class. However, students who did not make school one of their life priorities and/or parents who weren’t paying attention to the signs were often very surprised around marks and comments earned by their charges. It was this group of individuals who tended to make the life of a teacher very interesting come report card time. Students bursting into tears, parents jumping over tables at parent-teacher interviews in an effort to grab a teacher by the throat and threatening letters were just some of the manifestations of surprise. One of the practices around the reporting of student success / failure, that I found to be most irritating was the addition of comments to a report card. When marks alone, could not fully illustrate to the parent or the student just what-the-hell was going on in the student’s life at school, a comment or two was added to the mix. These comments were usually selected by the teacher from a bank of innocuous blurbs that had been assembled by the administration in a period of time just after the Great War. The comments served to smooth things over or to further confuse the issue or to make redundant, the first impressions made by seeing the numerical or letter-grade evaluation of the student’s efforts. As a parent, I never really needed to look at the comments. If my child received a mark of 90% or higher in a class (not that that ever happened), I could assume that whatever this kid was doing in class, was, in fact, working. More often than not, my children brought home marks in the 50s range. The teacher did not need to tell me that my kids needed to work harder or whatever other euphemism they selected when they spun the “comment wheel of fortune”. As alluded to earlier, I often felt that report card comments may have been more effective at portraying what really needed to be done if they did not mix words and feelings. They would have been less confusing for all involved. If teachers were only allowed to say what they really meant. For example, the one that says, “Johnny’s attention to cursive detail has led to less than satisfactory progress in this course . . .” should have probably read, “Johnny is a cave-man and he can’t write (or even print for that matter). It would help if he practiced holding a pencil occasionally!” If you have ever struggled to find an appropriate comment within a plethora of “meh”, you will know what I mean. In the space below, please find typical comments which are then followed by my modifications to give some real meaning of the comment.

1. Made no effort to catch up on work or tests missed. Is as lazy as a sloth on a porch swing.

2. Although grade is not high, effort is commendable. Knows how to fake like he is working.

3. Failure is probable unless greater effort is made. This kid does not have a hope in hell of passing this course.

4. Has not yet adjusted to the new class situation. This kid was apparently raised by wolves on another planet.

5. Student experienced difficulty with some areas of study this term. Reading, writing, speaking and listening are apparently beyond the grasp of this student.

6. Too much socializing occurs during class. Student needs to shut up when I’m teaching.

7. Essays show little evidence of planning or revision. Essays show little evidence of brain activity of any sort.

8. Student should seek extra help in Mathematics as soon as possible. Student should transfer into a basket-weaving program as soon as possible.

9. Student should seek counselling immediately. Student should seek counselling immediately (preferably someplace far from here).

10. Concentrate upon improving writing skills. The sound of his knuckles constantly dragging on the floor is distracting for all.

11. Shows little interest in physical Education. This student is a lethargic piece of shit.

12. Student shows exceptional potential in science. Unfortunately, Crystal Meth production is no longer a required unit in Chemistry 12

13. Student must be less of an observer in drama. Male students are not allowed in the female green-room during shower-time.

14. Practicing speaking English will be necessary for rapid progress. Grunting is not an acceptable form of response to oral questions in class.

15. A very mature student - great job! The upper age limit for attending classes here, has been reached. Time to move on!!

16. Student must repeat this course. Hopefully, the third go ‘round at this course will be a charm for this student.

17. Has difficulty being on time for homeroom. Please buy this kid a watch!!!!!

18. Student did not do well on the final exam. Student has broken a 57-year record for obtaining the lowest failing mark ever.

19. Student sometimes uses unapproved software and/or websites. Student’s collection of porn movies is second to none.

20. Student is hard-working and has serious attitude, actively participates in class, exhibits high learning skills and focuses on the quality of assignments. Several teachers would like to inquire about the possibility of adopting this student. Please contact me at your earliest convenience. Thank you.

Happy reporting everyone!!!

high school
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About the Creator

John Oliver Smith

Baby, son, brother, child, student, collector, farmer, photographer, player, uncle, coach, husband, student, writer, teacher, father, science guy, fan, coach, grandfather, comedian, traveler, chef, story-teller, driver, regular guy!!

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