I Just Wasn’t

Highschool Mishaps… I think we’ve all had them. Those awkward moments or seasons of life that we wouldn’t want to relive if our life depended on it. That was my highschool years, and not because I was a nerd or unpopular etc… but because I “wasn’t”. I wasn’t a nerd, I wasn’t emo, I wasn’t a prep…and I wasn’t unpopular, but I wasn’t popular either. I just wasn’t. I was the kind of girl that “fit in” everywhere. Wait! (You’re thinking this is a story about “not fitting in”.) No worries I’m getting there.

I was a band nerd and played Clarinet. I was an athlete and played soccer. I was a scholar and graduated at the top of my class. I “did” lots of things but wasn’t really any of them. That may not make sense to you, but when you “dabble” you don’t really fit in anywhere. Let me explain it a little more.

I have three siblings, who I would consider “non-dabblers”. My oldest brother is great at taking things apart, he loves to “tinker” and especially with technology. He always has. Growing up, if you found him on any given day you might have found him on an Atari, tinkering with the Nintendo, computers etc… He WAS a tech geek. Don’t tell him I said that. If he asks, you can tell him I said “technology genius”. He followed this into college and still to this day fits in with all the tech savvy groupies out there in the world. My second brother was and IS an entrepreneur. In highschool, he started everything—“nonprofits” to do outreach in our local high-school, ministry teams that traveled to other churches, a lawn care company, dance clubs in our living room, skating-rinks in our garage etc… Today he owns his own business, and he fits in with all the go-getters in the world. Then there is my twin sister. She has always been an athlete. She started playing baseball with the boys when she was 5 or 6. Then continued with softball and in highschool really got into tennis, earning a full-ride to LA Tech. She fit-in with the jocks of the world very early and still treats them as a physical therapist. They all “fit-in” somewhere.

Then there was “me”. On any given day in highschool you might have found me wearing Wranglers and Ropers, fishnet stockings and platform shoes, Nikes and Umbros etc… (of course not all at the same time). Otherwise I think I would of completely been ostracized. Some days, you could find me hanging in the park with my skater friends. Other days I might be on the courts with the tennis crew, at the fields with my soccer friends, on the football field with the band nerds, or on a stage in my pageant dress. I was everywhere and in everything but I didn’t “fit in” anywhere. Maybe you could say I was too well- rounded. Think about it a round puzzle piece doesn’t work, without the tabs/loops or knots it just doesn’t fit. That was me. By tenth grade I really felt it. Don’t get me wrong, people weren’t “mean” to me, but I wasn’t fully accepted by them either. Even my best friends only invited me on certain occasions because I wasn’t completely “into” what they were. I begin to feel more and more isolated in all the circles I “visited”. I hid my inner chaos pretty well for a while, but by tenth grade I really began to question who I was. It seemed everyone around me had a “niche” they found a place to fit. My oldest brother was a computer engineer, my youngest brother an entrepreneur, and my twin sister an athlete. My best friends chose their crowds too and I wasn’t a part of those either. So here I was wondering where I fit. I wanted something that was me—that was mine! Then one night I was attending a Vacation Bible School at the little church I grew up in. The children’s evangelist that was running the crusade had asked us teenagers just to help out. He had us making balloon animals, dressing up like clowns and doing crowd control. However, something happened each night. I discovered another little piece of me. At the end of the week I had grown a tab. Kids loved me, and I loved teaching and caring for them. I finally felt like I “fit” into the world. I could contribute. I could give back. That’s what we’re all looking for! That place where we fit—where our puzzle piece tab fills the hole or void of the people around us, and they welcome us there. That’s what these kids did for me. I had something they needed, and they welcomed me. Every night they begged to be in my group. I decided then that was my place.

So I dual enrolled in college classes to become an elementary teacher and although I didn’t really fit in there; I felt like I could hide in the shadows of stature. At least until one of my professors called me out. I remember that day very clearly. I was sixteen and sitting in an intro to psychology class when my teacher started calling roll. When he got to me he recognized my last name. He knew my father and began to ask me if I was related. All eyes were on me and then he asked the dreaded question…how old are you? “Great…if I didn’t stand out like a sore thumb yet, I definitely did now”, I thought to myself. “Sixteen”, I muttered quickly. Now I didn’t fit in here either, what 18-20 yr olds wanted a 16 year old tagging along. For the next four years of college I wouldn’t really “fit in” on a college campus either, but it didn’t matter— I knew where I was meant to be and I was ok not fitting in anywhere else.

I got a job teaching 4th grade right out of my internship and I’ve never looked back. Teaching and working with kids has been my “niche” for 23 years. Now, on any given day you might find me on a field teaching kids soccer, in a school teaching kids academics, painting kids faces in a park or playing dress up for a kids birthday party. You might find me wearing any array of costumes, wigs or makeup, but no matter what you find me wearing, you will find me with the little peeps who welcome EVERY part of me.