How To Outsmart Your Enemies

We were eating spaghetti the night it first happened. I was around 10 years old and was regaling my parents with the exploits of my playground nemesis. It the brief pause I took to catch my breath (10 year old girls talk a lot and very fast), my dad commented on what a moon calf she was. My fork dropped to my plate as I was taken aback by this unheard vocabulary. Naturally I inquired into its meaning but my dad, never shying away from a teaching opportunity, refused to tell. It being the 90’s, I instead dug into our trusty dictionaries in a mad search for knowledge. There I found my redemption.

This was my eureka moment and when I began to devise my revenge. The next day, when my bully resorted to her standard fat joke, yours truly informed her “I don’t have time to waste on a mooncalf.” I flipped my hair and left her standing there, wide mouthed. The look of utter shock on her face was salve to the burns she had inflicted. Thus began the lifelong pursuit to gather vocabulary which would forever render such an expression from all those who dared to cross me.

A Father - Daughter Hobby

Because he was the first to introduce me to the power of these words, I went back to my dad to learn at the hands of the master. He had always been more of a math and science guy so his enthusiasm for anything literacy related was out of his nature. I, on the other had, believed myself to be something of a wordsmith and so this pursuit was a natural continuation of my interests. Together we embarked on a hobby that has now lasted over 20 years. It has grown both our relationship and our vocabularies. Till this day, when I stumble across a new insult, I immediately call my dad and I likewise rejoice when I receive a dictionary link from him.

What You Came For

Without further ado, please allow to give a list of my favorite old world insults that illicit confusion from your enemies and leaves them feeling nothing short of stunned.

Cockalorum : a boastful self important person

Abydocomist: a bragging liar

Pillock: a very stupid person

Cumberworld: someone who is completely useless

Dalcop: an thoughtless stupid person

Lickspittle: a huge suck up

Frustylugs: someone who is gross

Ninnyhammer: fool

Fustilarian: someone who wastes time on pointless things

Gnashbab: someone who only complains

Mumpsimus: a stubborn person never admits they are wrong

Gobermouch: a nosy person

Klazomanic: a person who yells too much

Loitersack: a lazy good for nothing

Raggabrash: a untidy messy person

Snoutband: someone who interrupts all the time

Zoilist: an extremely nitpicky person

Use With Caution

Now that you are fully armed with the best insults that centuries of the English language could provide, I must warn you to beware their power. The old saying is the sticks and stones break bone and words don't hurt, but I assure you getting called a ninnyhammer stings a bit. You cant take back harsh things once said, even if they may fully deserve it. The question you must ask yourself is if it worth it to use your superior intellect against others. You may come to find that by knowing yourself, you wont feel the need to resort to a 10 year old's playground tactics. Instead the haters can be left to hate. Kindness to those who deserve it least says more about you than any mooncalf ever could.