How Can You Call it a Job When You Love What You Do?

It was a chilly fall morning of 2012. We had just returned from vacationing at my parents' beach house on the east coast. I remember feeling a little nervous as I walked into my new college classroom.

I quietly found a seat near the back of the class where I could hide and be unnoticed. Although I'd soon be turning 25, I felt ancient sitting next to my classmates who had just graduated from high school two months prior.

It had been over a year since I became a single mom with full custody of my boys who were 20 months old and 3 years old. I couldn't help but wonder about my new adventure of navigating college, while single parenting and trying to have a personal life simultaneously.

I sure did feel proud of myself though, for finally mustering up the courage to follow my dreams and return to college after having children.

I would be studying early childhood development, specializing in different types of disabilities, hoping to eventually work with kids with extra needs in a classroom setting.

This was a different path than when I attended college the first time. I didn't just want to be a teacher anymore, I felt called to work with and help specific individuals with their personal struggles rather than teaching the entire class as a whole.

I hadn't quite realized it yet but the universe was now somehow aligning me on a very important part of my journey in my career and parenting role.

I was seven when I decided that I wanted to be an educator. As a child, I often had a lot going on at home, so my teachers became very important mentors that were beneficial in my growth and life lessons as a little human, as well as my educational learning.

I dreamed of one day being the same great role model for children that my own teachers were for me.

As a young pregnant woman, I foolishly imagined that when my baby came out into this world, I'd help him grow into his little personality.

I was quite surprised to find out that babies in fact came out of the womb screaming with their own built in unique personality already.

It was even more surprising when my second baby boy popped out of the womb 17 months later, with a totally opposite personality than his older brother.

Nonetheless, it was entertaining to witness such different emotions and personalities from these two adorable little boys who looked very similar, but actually had very little in common.

Demetrio, my youngest, had such a big personality from the start. He was too excited to meet me, or so he says, that he decided to make an unexpected surprise appearance four weeks early.

Unlike his quiet, timid, reserved brother, Demetrio had big emotions. He was tempestuous, curious, and didn't mind loudly letting you know when he had a need or a want. He somehow still had the charm, and lashes to make you fall in love with his big witty personality instantly though.

He weighed nearly 8 lbs at birth, a month premature, make no wonder this big boy would have such big emotions I remembered thinking.

Within days after his early arrival, Demetrio’s personality grew even bigger and his emotions even grander. He definitely tested my patience as he got older and I graciously thanked the creator for blessing me with the wide ranging amount of patience I had to give.

He had lightning speed, and was very investigative to the point that it worried me because he had no fear. He was cleverly charming and could convince his older brother Matteo to help him get into mischievous things that he wasn't able to get into on his own.

It wasn't long before I had double trouble running around, two high energy toddlers against one energy drained mom. I often felt defeated before I even found time to cook, clean or do my school work.

Although it was a busy life, I loved every part of being a mom. I enjoyed the amount of unconditional love I received from these two tiny humans who needed my support, guidance and love to nurture and help them grow.

I was thrilled to have my own two personal little beings at home to practice the knowledge and skills that I was learning in the classroom.

About half way through my studies, I started to learn about ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder.

“ADHD is one of the most common neuro-developmental disorders of childhood,” my prof said, “Children with ADHD may have trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors, they may act without thinking about what the result will be, or be overly active,” she continued.

I had heard of this before, and the more that I researched and learned about it, the more that Demetrio's behaviour leaned towards ADHD.

I became fully invested into this section of my education. I was eager to learn more about my son who I had already by now "self diagnosed" but was waiting to see a doctor to confirm and receive an official diagnosis.

Sitting in the doctor's office, I remember her listing off the symptoms: inattentive, hyperactive, impulsive, problems focusing on a task, trouble multitasking, low frustration tolerance, inability to listen, trouble processing information.

It was all very overwhelming to hear and it sounded like she was describing my boy.

She looked at me and said, "Mam, I've previously noticed most of these things at other appointments, but due to his young age, refrained from mentioning anything. I wanted to see how it further progressed because children usually aren't diagnosed until after the first grade to be sure it wasn't just behaviour that toddlers and young children can grow out of as they reach grade school.” From there we began his journey of assessments.

The more I dove deeper into my studies, the more I wondered about what a future looked like for someone with ADHD, and how we would navigate this? What would home life, education and school life be like for him and how would he be affected? Would this affect his social life, his relationships? What about teenage years and when he becomes an adult? How was I going to handle this as a single parent with another child also?

Although I worried about his future, I felt lucky that not only was I becoming more and more educated on these topics, I was practicing hands-on experience in the classroom during my practicums, working with children who were affected by these things. I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it and it didn't seem like a "job".

I felt drawn to other children who were struggling with the same things as my son and it became my mission to help these kids. It was from that moment on, I knew that I had made the right career choice.

While attending college, I was also blessed to be taking a personal development course. I began my self love journey, healing my inner child and doing the work I needed to on myself to dig deep and truly figure out who I was inside and outside. I'd hoped that the more love that I was able to give to myself, meant the more love I would be able to give out to my loved ones.

Finally I had completed my studies and I now had a full time job working 1 on 1 with children with ADHD, and other behavioral and emotional issues in the classroom. My job fascinated me, and I couldn't believe that I got to do something that I enjoyed so much, 5 days of the week!

Being able to work so closely with children in the school setting helped me see over and over again the correlation between the similar behaviour's that all of these kids diagnosed with ADHD had. Although no two children were exactly the same, they all just seemed to want to be completely understood and guided with love and compassion.

The next few years were quite "interesting," witnessing Demetrio navigate life with little to no impulse control and having severe issues with regulating his big emotions, all while not being able to sit still or focus for more than a few seconds.

But I tried very hard to always be conscious that this wasn't personal. I knew he wasn't choosing to do all of these things, and he needed patience and guidance and love from his mama, especially when he was having tough days.

I was determined to help him and other children build skills to succeed at home and in the classroom, to learn how to make good choices on their own, put first things first and most importantly how to regulate their emotions, big and small.

I wanted to help children build confidence in themselves, and teach them that even though we make mistakes, we can fix it by being accountable and making up for it.

*********

I remember one day in November 2014, I had promised my boys, who were now almost 4 and 5, that we would go to McDonald's play place for brunch. However, we would need to make a stop at the hardware store beforehand to buy a Christmas tree that was on sale.

During the drive to the hardware store, Demetrio's never ending curiosity started with a mixture of about 100 questions and comments that seemed to spew out of his mouth in one breath, without giving me time to comment or answer.

“Mom, do you like grapes I like apples and grapes do you see those huge cumulonimbus clouds up there in the sky it's going to rain or maybe hail but why are those pine trees different from those black spruce trees over on that hill and why do we have to put a fake Christmas tree in the living room can't we just chop down that fir tree over on that other hill next to that gazebo what should I eat from McDonald's mom and what are you going to eat bro?”

(To keep his body and mind busy in a healthy way, we would read and learn about nature and science, and spend as much time as we could outdoors on adventures, which made him very informative on certain topics, whether you wanted to know about it or not!)

Before I had a chance to respond to my inquisitive little guy, we had parked in the parking lot of home hardware and we needed to have a safety pep talk before he rushed to hop out of his car seat in excitement to go pick out a tree.

"Show me your listening ears," I'd sing and he'd cup both of his ears to show me he was ready to listen to important information ( a trick his neurologist taught me).

“We have to stay safe and hold hands or stand inside of the shopping cart. We have to use walking feet in this building (due to having no impulse control, he was a runner who forgot anything and everything when he saw something interesting, and he had a tendency to bolt!) And then of course I'd always ask him to repeat it back to me, practicing all of the same things with him as I did with my students in the classroom.

"Yes mom walking feet hands on the cart or standing inside the cart I shouldn't scream out bathroom words or push my brother either right!" He muttered while racing to open the car door before his brother could.

After our little pep talk, I felt somewhat confident that this would be a safe, easy, quick trip in and out. I reminded them again of the nice reward we were getting afterwards at McDonald's, before heading inside.

It took two seconds after entering the store and my adrenaline had kicked in. About 50 feet past the entrance, there were shelves filled full of candy and chocolate that were on sale for the holidays. How dare Home Hardware set us up for failure like that???

Suddenly I knew that our pep talk and reminders of McDonald's had gone out the window and even though I quickly tried to grab his little hand tighter, he had already escaped, like the brilliant escape artist that he was and headed for the chocolate.

I caught up to him and bent down to his level and tried to explain and show him my list with one word, "tree," written on it, (having him help me write a list beforehand was often helpful in keeping him on task) and I reminded him that we only have one item on our list for this store.

I could see his face turning red and it was as though steam was coming from his ears. He looked like a raging bull who was about to charge at me with a deathly glare in his eyes!

I knew what was coming, and I braced myself for the tantrum of all tantrums as his big emotions and inability to regulate himself kicked in.

He was now laying on the floor kicking and screaming with flailing arms, as he shouted out to all the onlookers about how I apparently hadn't fed him for two weeks and he was starving (he actually had a snack before leaving home). While I bent down to pick him up to exit the store I noticed how they all looked at me with disgrace of not being able to control my child in a public setting.

I often got those looks in public at times like this. But I didn't let it bother me because obviously they didn't know that most typical parenting skills aren't made for neuro diverse kids, and it's easier to give a look and judge than it is to show compassion most of the time, or so it seemed. Fortunately, at my job when situations like this would happen I only received understanding from my co-workers and I felt more at ease.

I reminded my self that they didn't know who he truly was, how sweet and kind he was most of the time. How he would pick flowers for everyone he saw at the park and how he loved to tell jokes and make people laugh. How his smile and laughter could light up a room, how he loved to say please and thank you. How he was a social butterfly and would compliment and talk to everyone in sight, ranging from babies to elderly ladies, and how he always shared with his big bro and he loved to help me around the house to stay busy!

I calmly scooped up my child, mid tantrum, to go find a quiet place to calm down and help him regulate himself. This was not an easy task for me, especially having his brother tagging along behind and it exhausted me mentally and physically every time we'd have an episode like this, especially in public.

We didn't get a tree that day, and we didn't get McDonald's either.

After finding a quiet space in the car to calm down, (when he was in these raging fits, he benefited from finding a more tranquil space with less sensory overload) he still softly cried the entire way home because he couldn't have a chocolate bar and all he could feel in that moment was impending doom.

When we got home, he was still upset and sniffling, with a runny nose, and with red eyes and red blotches all over his face. So I asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes.

We hugged, and then we talked about all of the feelings he was having. Talking about it was an important part of helping him process the events that had just happened, before I started to share my own feelings with him about the situation.

Instead of having a fun day out, we snuggled up on the couch for the day. We were all exhausted, and to be honest, I felt like I wanted to cry too.

I could have gotten upset or outraged with his behaviour and punish him, but how would that help him or me in the long run? I didn't want him to think that I resented him or that he wasn't able to ever make good choices.

"There's always a choice, we just need to have a calm energy to make a choice that is for your highest good," I'd always remind him. "When we're sad or upset, it's hard to make good choices but we can always turn the day around." And then we chatted about other times that he made good choices as an encouraging reminder of the previous times that he was indeed capable of doing so.

Although he was not able to comprehend his actions during the tantrum, now that he had taken the time to calm his body and his mind, he was capable of describing to me how he was not making good choices earlier in the day. And he genuinely apologized for his behaviour, which I in return, showed appreciation for his accountability.

I began to overthink things once he was in bed for the night. I laid there thinking about how his poor little mind was always racing, thinking of 17 different things at once. I thought about how he could not pause to think of a cause and effect or even a consequence, or the ability to think ahead that something better was coming and instead he just reacted so chaotically without control.

This was an example of only one of dozens and dozens of similar situations we found ourselves in. Other times this happened we were on a plane, visiting friends and family, at other grocery stores or public places, at school, at the park, and even at home etc.

I believe in positive parenting and I wanted to help him build a good self esteem and confidence in his abilities for when he’s older. I knew there was a long road ahead of him not always being in the right mind state to make that better choice, but I was trying my hardest to teach him tools to make it easier.

I am forever grateful for every single one of these situations that also helped me learn how to guide other children through these tougher moments in the classroom. Not only is this my job and career, but it is my duty and passion to work with kids and be there for them when they're struggling and I loved it.

********

It's been a long and interesting journey over these past 10 years but when you love what you do, you can't really call it a “job” can you? I am unbelievably happy that I followed through with achieving my dreams, despite the struggles I faced in my personal life.

After working with so many kids and youth over the years, I’d like to think that I have fulfilled my intentions and helped to make some type of positive impact in their learning and lives.

It's now 2021 and I'm quite impressed with my boy who still has big feelings, big emotions and my favorite of all, his big witty personality.

He’s been working so hard for the past 9 years to learn tools and strategies to get through his challenges. Although not every day is perfect, he's very open about his struggles and feels comfortable to communicate with me, his teachers and his friends when he is struggling to come up with a plan of action for him to succeed better.

I'm happy as a parent to say that Demetrio is a confident 10 year old, who has a good self esteem and sense of self love and worthiness even though he struggles in areas that others may not. He works hard to succeed in his neuro-diverse world, which operates differently than most other people's.

He is a great friend, and is determined to help his peers who struggles like he does.

As a parent and an educator looking back, I wouldn't change anything. The universe only gives us what we can handle. And I believe that any tough situation we have to face is only an amazing life lesson on our journey.

You see children with behavioral and emotional issues such as ADHD often hear what they've done wrong or what they can not do right. Or how they talk too much, or how they have too much energy, or how they're so loud and unable to respect personal space.

But you'd be surprised at how well their confidence level, self esteem and preferred behavior flourishes when we help them focus on the good things that they can do too, all while guiding them to be in control of their choices and feelings.

Positive reinforcement combined with learning self regulation strategies to help you get through the tough stuff can go a long way.

If you're a parent or an educator of a kid with big emotions, I'm sure you can relate to my story. Don't forget to tell yourself how great of a job you're doing even when you feel as though you don’t have the patience to make it through the day, because you are a Rockstar!