Comedic Speech

We are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that is wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that is worse. This is just a day. As we eagerly await the alcohol our parents have waiting for us all when we get done so let us make this one quick.

Spending the last four years with all of you I can honestly say this has been an experience to cherish and remember and as a student could not have asked for a better educational process. Minus that pesky virus, but we will not talk about that today. With all the ups and downs and unexpected obstacles UMass has thrown at us we have overcame them and conquered the seemingly never-ending wall of requirements in order to graduate.

I am sure with this chapter closing in all of our lives there’s mixed emotions of excitement, fear, and curiosity of what the future may hold for each one of us but nevertheless excited to open the next chapter. We all have our own book of life that has not been written yet and its time for us to go out and start making our mark each day at a time. I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps and that is because you all forgot to leave your cameras off. And to quote the great Will Ferrell in his commencement speech “Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine, law, and public service. Four of you and I am not at liberty to say which four will go on to magnificent careers in the porno industry. I am not trying to be funny. That’s just a statistical fact.”

Each of us have had our own unique experiences at UMass Dartmouth, times of joy and times of stress. We all had the times of last-minute studying for the exam we forgot we had and the nervous laughter after taking it that we all loved and hated so much about being students and now we get to do the same with our adult responsibilities. One thing I will reflect on as I throw my graduation cap in the air at my dining room counter this graduation through zoom is how UMass was my home away from home for three great years and I could not be happier with the school I chose to make my home. I had a rocky entry into my college experience with switching schools last minute due to an injury in high school and finding myself here at UMass playing football my freshman year was a plot twist I appreciate every day.

No matter what our reasoning was for joining the Corsair family a few years ago all that matters now is that we are all here today to share this experience of overcoming what we all thought was impossible as kids and even coming out of high school for some of us, but we did it. Now we can sit back and enjoy and celebrate each of our fellow classmates’ achievements triumph and victories both individually and as a student body. We must remember though that this graduation was not an end goal and we all owe it to ourselves and our families that we put so many stressful drunken vacations with on breaks to keep our feet on the pedal and keep going.

I know we have been recently forced to stare at our screens for hours at a time instead of being in a real class, but I would like to reminisce of the time before the pandemic when the school was spirited and more than ever and coming together and growing. When we left the freshman, dorms were still under construction and if this year we were back too normal, we would have all gotten to see and experience the new growth of our school. Before we left Dunkin had just arrived and the lines were so ridiculous you would think they were giving away free donuts and coffee. Before we left Birch had just recently opened up the new market and we had our own little store on campus. UMass is a school of advancement and I just wanted to remind all of you none of you will get to enjoy it!

Now that I am done depressing all of you and all the little profile pictures with no cameras on, I am grateful for your ear during this speech and I am grateful for the times we all got to spend together these last few years. I wish all of you the best in your future endeavors and hope for nothing but success and happiness in all of your lives, Goodluck!