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College Grad, Hopefully...Maybe.

The journey to finding and then maybe doing what I love.

By M.K JonaePublished 2 years ago 7 min read
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Survival Mode

Survival mode, or horde mode, is a game mode in a video game in which the player must continue playing for as long as possible without dying in an uninterrupted session while the game presents them with increasingly difficult waves of challenges

I never really took the time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

I am constantly in survival mode.

Instead of it being on Grand Theft Audio or Sims (the only video games I play). I am combating depression, anxiety, panic disorder, debt, bills, working unfulfilling customer service jobs, and finishing college.

Like most people, It's hard to sit down and think what am I going to do with my life?

I wasn't asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I grew up being told that if I get good grades, go to college, everything would fall into place.

How? I don't know.

I don't even think the people around me knew. I mean how could they when they never went to College. The people who raised me did not even finish High school. I guess they assumed I would figure it out.

Well, it's not that easy.

At my big old age, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm a couple thousand in debt with two years left of college.

Oh and I just changed my major.

When I knew I wanted to be a Film Writer

Okay, I guess it was not a day. It was a series of events that led me to Vocal eight months ago.

1. I did not want to go to school for Psychology anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I love learning about psychology, but the more I learned the more I realized I was...

A. Not a good listener

-I am way more of a talker than a listener. I like to lead conversations which in my opinion, is the exact opposite of Therapy. Plus with my mental health barriers, I figured there were others more adequate.

B. Way too empathetic to leave work at work

-I have a hard time letting work stay at work. I don't think I could have survived the turmoil of letting their feelings be theirs.

C. Not willing to endure more schooling and work customer service jobs to get by.

-Have you seen the schooling for becoming a therapist? WHEW.

Movie ticket from Pet Semetary. 10/10 creepy scary movie.

2. I love films and television

A. not in a lazy way

- I enjoy being there. By there I mean in the immersive experience, living with them, walking with them through their authentic journey.

B. It was once just a thought that led to a whole new world being created.

-Film and Television take me places I've never been before. They allow me to think about concepts I could have never paid attention to before.

C. Nothing is more satisfying to me than watching my favorite tv show or movie.

3. I love to write

A.My favorite thing about life right now is having the time to pull out my laptop and pour my soul into these documents.

-I feel a sense of peace from writing my thoughts out. They feel like they come alive in these moments.

My Love for Film

I’ve gone to the Movie Theater over a thousand times. Each time I’ve sat in those comfy lounge chairs, I felt enamored with the experience on the big black screen. Each time was an out-of-body experience. Time passed like never before, I never got up for anything! I wanted to enjoy every moment.

It was a mystery to me how they got the sound so vibrant. The actors' voices and the sound effects rang loud against the walls into the viewer's ears. I contemplated how that little camera hung above the chairs broadcasted lively images. At moments I felt like I was in the movie, way more than just a viewer.

There wasnt one time that I went to the Movie Theater and I didn’t feel connected to the movie as I left. As I pushed through the doors to face the daylight, my head got a little blurry but my mind was filled with conversation topics to throw at my friends. News flash they never cared. They didn’t contemplate the reasonings of the classic IT. Why did he chase those specific kids in Derry? Why Derry? Was he once human perhaps?

Nor did they feel visibly shaken by the actions of Twilight breaking dawn Part Two. At thirteen. they pulled my heart out of my chest with their dramatic foreshadowing. Then handed it back to me so casually.

I was amazed at the minds of the creators each time.

I wondered if I would be able to outsmart my captors and Escape the wretched turmoil? Or would I fall victim to my panic and selfish gains?

It’s hard to say what movies I love the most. I know that I am enamored by movies that have love or tragedy, if it has both, even better. I first started going to the movie theater to watch scary movies like Mama, Saw, The Rings, The Conjuring. I love the way they grabbed my attention. I will never forget the thrillers, Creep, and 13 Sins. I wasnt able to think about anything else when these movies were onscreen. I enjoyed watching lifetime movies as a child so that may play a part.

I also enjoy movies like Thelma and Louise, Kill Bill, final destination.

Lately, if it’s a thriller, I will be watching with my eyes glued and my mind held captive by the outstanding actors on the screen. Movies like Old, Split, The Harder they fall, and True Story.

I idolize the fact that we all gather to watch what came out of one or many people’s minds. We spend our money and time on something that was once just someones’ thought.

I am mind-blown by Marvel. It was just an idea, that warped into an entire universe that people turned into a whole personality trait *a nerd*. Watching Loki, Wandavision, and Avengers feels like I'm emersed in a whole other universe. Created by a couple of guys potentially on Mary Jane.

Documentaries shock me every time. They take me into the mind of creators and artists and walk me through their life. I did not truly understand the world until I saw What Happened Miss Simone? I never felt more heartbroken with how society treats Black Women. I feel like I know them a little better after viewing.

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Movie Theaters

When I was in my teens, I went to the movie theater once a month, sometimes twice when they throw hits out. Which was uncommon for my peers. They didn’t like the movie theater nearly as much as I did. It was just a place to go to make out with their partner in a dark room.

For me, It is something way bigger, a lot more personal. It feels like a part of my journey in this world. I don't like the skating rink, going out to eat, or going to the mall. Going to the Movie Theater calms my intense anxiety and gives me a place to relax and engage my mind.

I love putting my hand in the big box of buttery popcorn and sipping on sprite or lemonade depending on the day. I enjoy the pumping sensation that I feel in my chest when the room started to darken and the screen widens. My eyes widen with the screen and I lean back into my chair and forget about everything outside the doors, everyone around me is nonexistent. The only thing that matters is the screen plastered in front of me.

Watching Films was a hobby until it became my silent obsession. It is now my life goal.

I changed my major from Psychology to general. I am taking classes in English, literature, and Film. I will eventually push over to mass communications or maybe English. I'm going to figure it out eventually. Not sure if I even need a degree. I'm just living in hopes that it will all align with me being a film and television writer. I am working on a couple of scripts and I hope the right people will read them in the near future.

Maybe Lifetime will pick it up or HBO. Who knows?

All I know is I'm not going to stop going for the career I want now that I have found what I was meant to be in this world.

I want to be on the set watching the magic. Better yet, I know I will create art for the big screen that everyone will love.

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Thank you for reading, please like and share! Sincerely, struggling college student.

Kya.Jonae

student
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About the Creator

M.K Jonae

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