Where do our fears come from

There is a deep fear in everyone's heart of losing control of the things around us, of getting sick, getting old, or losing what is most dear to us.

Often, people tend to push away or ignore their fears. The only way to stop fear and not be controlled by fear is to be aware of it, to look at the source of fear, not to run away from it.

To be able to see fear clearly, the first step is to perceive it without judgment. A gentle awareness of the fear in our hearts is enough to release us. Understand where anxiety and fear come from, and then we can let go.

Primal fear

In your mother's womb, you feel calm and safe, very comfortable, not too hot or too cold, like resting on a cushion made of water.

Then came the day of birth. You are thrust into a new environment, cold and hungry for the first time. It's too loud. It's too bright. The first time you feel fear, it's primal fear.

In your mother's womb, you didn't have to use your lungs to breathe, but the moment you were born, the umbilical cord was cut and your mother couldn't breathe for you anymore. You had to learn to breathe for yourself. If you don't breathe, you'll die.

You were pushed out of the palace by your mother, and you felt pain. You want to breathe in, but it's too hard. Some fluid is in your lungs, and to breathe in, you first have to expel the fluid from your lungs. We are born with fear, and we are born with a desire to live, a primal desire.

The invisible umbilical cord

As babies, we all have to find ways to survive. We all have a sense of powerlessness in our hearts, and we have to figure out how to find someone to protect us, to take care of us, to keep us alive.

We all long to have a partner around, and in part it's a continuation of our primal desire for someone to take care of us.

A helpless child

As we grow older, we often fear remembering or touching that primal fear because the helpless child is still in us. We had no chance to talk to him, no time to care for this helpless child inside.

We need to take a close look at our relationships with others and see if they are based on each other's needs or well-being. We often think of our partner as a source of happiness. We thought, "I need him to take care of me or I'm not going to make it."

If your relationship is based on fear instead of mutual understanding and happiness, it won't have a solid foundation. You think he's the only person who makes you happy. However, there are times when his presence is downright annoying. Then you realize that peace and security in your heart does not really come from him.

If you care what others think of you, it probably comes from the same source. You're afraid he won't think well of you, he won't accept you, he'll leave you behind, you'll be left alone, and you'll be in danger. If you want people to like you all the time, it's also a primal fear. Maybe you have to put on new clothes every now and then, and it's the same desire, the desire to be accepted.

Talk to the inner child

Talking to the inner child is a great way to ease the fears of the helpless child within.

Put two cushions on the floor, then sit on one and pretend you are the helpless, vulnerable child. You say, "Honey, I'm really helpless, there's nothing I can do, it's dangerous here, there's nobody to take care of me." During this process, if fear, hope, tension, helplessness arises, let it arise. You just need to be aware of it.

When he's done, you can sit on another mat and assume the adult role. Look at the mat where you sat, and imagine that helpless child is still there. You say to him, "Please listen to me, I am you as an adult. You are no longer a helpless child. I have grown up and have enough sense to protect myself. I can survive on my own and don't need anyone else to take care of us."

Through this exercise, you will see that the security you want doesn't have to come from clinging to someone or constantly doing something. The first step to releasing fear is to recognize it and relieve it.