The Unfixable Birds

Hello hello! Saw-Whet, am I right? I'm Carl! What's your name, Little Lady?

Beatrice.

Welcome, Beatrice, to the UnFixable Club. I don't mean to be rude, but you're looking a bit rough. I've seen worse, though! What happened?

From what I understand, I was hit by a train. Or ran into a train. Something about a train: it's all a bit muddled.

No way!

Way.

Holy Smokes, you're so tiny. No wonder you're ruffled. And your right pupil is HUGE. No offense.

I'm aware. I can't see out of it at all. And I have a whopping headache.

That's why you're here, I bet. But don't fret. Hey! I made a poem! Uh...Don't fret or be upset! Much attention you will get!

If you don't mind, I'd like some quiet and some rest.

Oh. Sorry. That's cool.

(They sit, perched in silence, for a few moments, each in their enclosure.)

Hey, Beatrice!

Yes?

Seriously, don't worry about a thing. I've been here my whole life, and it's not so bad.

Ok. Why are you here?

It's quite a story, let me tell you! Picture an old barn and a nest of fluffy little cuties. All eyes and ears they are. Waiting for mom to bring back something to eat. And then one of them feels a hand. Not a wing, but a HAND, Beatrice, A HUMAN HAND. A human hand picked up the little ball of fluff. The one that got nabbed - it was me! I pecked and squawked, but it made no difference.

Then what?

It gets better, Beatrice. I'm taken far away to an enclosure that's nothing like this and nothing like a barn—lots of crazy stuff. There was a box with tiny humans in it and rooms and walls that went on and on. The humans fed me what they called hamburger. It tasted terrible, let me tell you! But I got used to it and them. I was there for a long time, but then I came here.

You can fly, though, right? I don't see anything wrong, with my good eye anyway.

Ah, that's the trick, isn't it? (points to his head with a wingtip) My injury is in here. It's um...psycho...psycho...logical! It's psychological! I am an Imprint.

Ok.

See, I came to only love humans, and I never learned to hunt at all and...

And?

This is a bit embarrassing. I mean, everyone here knows it, but don't judge me, Ok?

Just tell me.

I'm scared of mice.

A barn owl scared of mice? Really?

It's true! Mice freak me out!

I'm sorry to hear it, Carl. What do you eat if you don't eat mice? Voles?

I still eat mice, just post-living mice. And no voles! I cannot stand anything that scampers and squeaks. I hate the squeaking. But these mice are different from those you're used to in the outside world. These are all white mice.

Why? Are they arctic mice or something?

No, they are lab mice.

What's lab?

I'm not clear on that, but I think it's a place. The weird thing is, they come here in big frozen balls.

We get fed FROZEN mice? I want out of here! Where's the manager? I don't care if I'm half blind - I'll be fine!

Beatrice! Calm down! We don't get frozen mice. They unfreeze them in a beeping box. Ted told me.

Ted? What box? I do not like this. This is weird.

It's all good, Beatrice, I swear! I'll explain. Ted's the Golden. He's a few mews down. He told me all about it. He has to go into what he said is The Office. In The Office, there's lots of noise and boxes and ringing and humans. One box spits out paper, like we owls hacking up the bones of a mouse, but with way more noise. Ted has to go there to get his beak coped.

Coped?

Oh, uh, trimmed. He hates it but says they're gentle about it. Once, he saw inside the Giant White Box. And you know what he saw? A frozen rabbit! And bunches of frozen balls of mice. I heard that, and I thought, man, I'd love to taste a rabbit. There's a legend that there was once a prong-horned antelope in there. It had been hit by a roaring rolling metal thing that was hollow for the humans to sit in.

I wonder if it was a train!

I don't think so. Maybe a part of one? Anyway, that whole antelope went to Dorothy, the turkey vulture. They called it "Occupational Therapy." I wouldn't have minded a taste. It's so unfair.

I didn't see a turkey vulture.

She's on the other end somewhere. She needs a pretty ample space. She's massive. But that reminds me. She's a legend.

(a voice from a close-by enclosure) Carl! Not that story again! I've heard that a dozen times! You need new material!

PUT A SOCK IN IT, BRAD! BEATRICE HASN'T HEARD IT YET!

WELL, I'M SICK OF IT! WHO DIED AND MADE YOU THE WELCOME WAGON ANYWAY?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT, BRAD? SQUEEZE THROUGH YOUR BARS AND BEAT ME WITH YOUR BAD WING?

HEY! AT LEAST I'M NOT AFRAID OF MICE!

LOW BLOW, BRAD, LOW BLOW.

Whose Brad, Carl?

Red-Tail Hawk, next door. He's here because a farmer shot him for TRYING TO EAT HIS CHICKENS BECAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT!

ONE CHICKEN, CARL, ONE CHICKEN!

ONE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU A CRIPPLE, BRAD!

(Silence)

Brad? Oh hey, Brad, I'm sorry. I was mad because of the mice comment, but I'm sorry, that was mean, ok?

Ok, sorry about the mouse thing.

Sorry, Beatrice. We do that all the time, but we always make up. Let me tell you about Dorothy and her escape.

She escaped? Why is she still here then?

Beatrice, you're getting ahead of the story. I need to build up to it. So, The Escape of Dorothy and Her Almost Immediate Return. It starts with Dorothy escaping.

But, HOW?

I don't know, Beatrice, but she did. Maybe someone left her door unlatched. Maybe her human didn't have her leash on, and she flew away when she was sunning. That's not the point!

Well, it's in the title of your story.

Beatrice, I'm trying to have it be interesting, but it's not the point, so let me finish. Ok, Dorothy escapes, and she's an imprint like me. She can fly great, but she doesn't know what to look for, and she was getting hungry. She's circling around and around, and suddenly she sees a table with construction workers eating their lunch outside at a table, minding their own business. But she can she smell! That's what Turkey Vultures are good doing - smelling! She lands right on the table because she thinks humans are her friends. Can you imagine? She grabs a sandwich like, well, hello there, humans, this looks tasty, and thank you kindly. They freak out and call the humans here, and they recapture her and bring her home! What about THAT?

I wish I knew how she escaped, though.

Jeez, Beatrice, don't fixate on that. You'll be fine here. You get fed, and the humans are friendly and...wait, they're coming! You can try a white mouse! And tomorrow, I'll tell you about when we got the wrong mice from the lab, and we all passed out! Except for Lou, the Bald Eagle. He just laughed and laughed. Freaked out the humans, though. Oh! And I'll tell you about how we sometimes get to ride in the special rolling metal machine to see more humans than you've ever seen in one spot. It's a HOOT. Get it? A HOOT? Because we're owls!

You're funny, Carl. Thank you for being so lovely to me.

HEY, CARL, LOOKS LIKE I'M GETTING A NICE JUICY RABBIT LEG. AND YOU'RE NOT!

SHUT UP BRAD! AND SAVE ME A NIBBLE! PLEASE?