An earnest chat amongst the Planets in the Solar System

LIST OF PARTS

Mercury, First in line

Venus, Second in line

Earth, Gaea

Mars, The Red Planet

Jupiter, The King <Trojan Asteroids

Saturn, The Queen

Uranus, A Knight attendant upon the King

Neptune, Oceanus

Pluto, Ex-planet

First Officer, William Murdoch

Act 1 Scene 1

561BC

The Terrestrial planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars enter; together with the Sun, Jupiter, and Saturn.

Sun “Are you enjoying the pleasant warmth today, Gaea? I can’t even remember the last time I had all my planets lined up, in such a cordial fashion. What a sight to behold!”

Earth "Yes my Sun, you’re radiating very warm today, indeed; but the truth is that I’d rather not have a full greenhouse effect in here — if you wouldn’t mind, please tone down the solar flares.”

Venus overhears and erupts

Venus “Oh, so you're worried about a greenhouse effect, eh? Do you happen to know what my barometer reading is today? What about my temperature? — I’m pushing 475 degrees Celsius at the surface. I don’t have any of ‘em snowcapped mountains, like you do, Gaea — so I can't cool down — I'm a runaway greenhouse. Do I need to remind you that my volcanoes are still active?; my surface melts lead, you hear!”

Earth “Why, Venus my dear, you’ve been complaining about those thermo readings of yours since the dawn of time. It’s like, you can’t EVEN see all these creatures roaming my surface, with that thick atmosphere of yours. Wasn’t the plan to keep them all completely unaware — such as in blissful ignorance? You and I both know that these inhabitants are the only known life forms in this galaxy. We must allow them to flourish.”

Mercury “Oh for the love of a Roman god, this again! Why must I always mediate between the both of you? Will a comet or an asteroid please come and knock me out of this orbit already. I’m sunburnt to a crisp, and pelted all over...can the both of you just knock it off already. You’d think the impact that clocked Venus 177 degrees bottoms up, would be enough!"

Jupiter “Not a problem, not a problem at all. I’ll hold my orbit and slingshot a few trojan asteroids your way. Like a hyperbolic comet, I'll pelt you — so you swell red like Mars. Perhaps the Andromeda galaxy is far enough for you?; what do you say? Of course, Andromeda is on a course hither now — but you’d be plenty far away, for the time being.

Mercury “Jove, you see this here tattoo? — it’s a tattoo of Mickey Mouse. King or not, it has been done, so don't play the fool. Hurl this way what you'd like, but we both know it will take plenty of years to pull that off.”

Jupiter “So you call that a tattoo, eh? Have you, perchance, seen my tattoo? — well, it’s more like a giant storm, but it's big enough to swallow all you pesky terrestrial planets, straight down the line. And if that doesn’t sit well with you, I can find a way to pull you over here, and enslave you in my orbit, until the end of time!”

Saturn “Reeeally? — well, would you look-it ‘ere, I heard you over ‘ere Jupi; you spinnin' on your axis again and actin' all big and violent with that storm of yours, but you’re mostly just gas. I can smell your rotten ammonia waft all the way from over ‘ere."

Jupiter “Button your ringlets or I’ll commandeer some of your moons; then I’ll be more powerful than any of you.”

Act 1 Scene 2

1912

Enter First Officer William Murdoch aboard the Titanic, on Earth

William Murdoch, “An iceberg, sir!”

Several hours later

Earth “Well, now… that was just tragic... Send word to the King! We'll need another iceberg!"

Act 1 Scene 3

The 1970s

The Jovian planets, Uranus and Neptune enter.

Uranus “Neptune, sir! I’ve received word, from down the line — from the King himself! Those terrestrial planets need to cool down again, and I've got just the thing. How about I send them some more of my diamond rain?; like that time in 1912? I know Mars has some of that ice too, but I'll beat him to it — this ice here should work just as well!"

Neptune “And how do you propose to do that, Uranus?"

Uranus “Well, you see, I’ve managed to capture one of those, erm spacecraft, in my orbit — you know, one of those probes the humans keep sending far out into the cosmos. Those fools. They can't probe Uranus! I won't allow it! I've got the ISEE-3 here now, and I reckon I'll send it straight back to them... but, perhaps I'll send it back with a bit more than just scientific data, this time.”

Act 1 Scene 4

Present Day

Earth “Hey fellas, some of these humans are getting mighty excited over something… I wonder what it's about now. Oh, why — it’s that darn ICE spacecraft; it's on its way back; but — oh-no-he-didn’t! — did he, really! Oh jolly, Uranus sent another one of those rain diamonds to cool me down again. What pleasure! And it’s heading straight for the Northern Atlantic again! Jolly good, I bet the humans will like that.”

Venus “Oh, hell no! That diamond rain is mine!”

Earth “You just cool down there, Venus — you’ll get the next one. No need for any more of your eruptions.”

Venus “Oh, you’re just hell-arious aren't you…”

Act 1 Scene 5

Present Day

Enter Pluto and Neptune

Pluto “I hear all this yapping betwixt y'all planets; what — I say, what is going on over there, Oceanus?"

Neptune “My fellow ex-planet! Yes, you're quite right! There's a bit of drama, for sure; perhaps you recall a certain probe that sailed past you, not too long ago? Oh, what was the name of it? The New Horizon, I believe…. Well, that probe is just the tip of the iceberg, my old friend…”