Why Are We Hard On Ourselves?

"Self-Criticism is an Art not many are Qualified to Practice" Joyce Carol Oates.

Failing, failure or fail are words which have become much too familiar to me. Seeing an F on an exam or a test paper, where the murmurs of classmates were getting grades in the eighties and high nineties. I became known in my class to be one of the worst students, as a matter of fact I was bullied for achieving highest grade in my English language arts class because no one believed me that I received 100% on an essay. My other grades were slipping into the under fifties. I would receive that mark on my math test and my face would fall, the pit in my stomach grew into an ache. However, I somehow managed to graduated high school, graduate university, graduate from a certificate program and have a job that I became passionate about.

That's what a lot of millennials went wrong we were told from a young age we can be anything we want to be as long as you follow your passions. More than half the people I know have a job because they had to, they just had to make a good financial decision for their family, for their situation, but not a lot of people can truly say "yes , I am passionate about my job" and I have that opportunity. Yes, I obviously do have days where I groan about work, but who doesn't.

Now, I moved to another city and basically had to start from scratch, that's what is a very difficult thing to do. I started my present job just this last April and moved in January. I had done many, many interviews until finally something stuck. I remember feeling like I was looking at a math test all over again the blaring F just staring me right in the face. I also felt like I had no motivation to do anything except apply, apply and apply. I had done everything that I could and yet here I was feeling like nothing I did was good enough. So why are we so hard on ourselves?

External standards is one of them. I was consistently comparing myself to others even now: the millennials who own and house versus ones who don't or people who have children versus ones who don't. Comparing yourself to others can be detrimental to your mental health. Seeing instagram pics versus the reality are two very different things. That's why it's recommended some people do a social media break and a lot of people find it helps them feel happier about themselves.

Part of the answer lies in human evolution. Our ancestors survived by paying attention to threats, mistakes, and potential dangers. A person who noticed what could go wrong was often better prepared than someone who focused only on what was going right. While the world has changed dramatically, our brains still carry this tendency. We are naturally drawn to our flaws and failures. It was like this video I saw of a teacher he stood in front of the class and wrote down a math problem incorrectly, some student giggled others raised their hand saying "teacher you got the problem wrong" and he looked at the class and said "see how many of you noticed my mistake? yet none of you congratulated me on the problems I got right," he pointed out to the class. We all do the exact same thing to ourselves.

Perhaps the most revealing question we can ask ourselves is this: would I speak to a friend the way I speak to myself? For many of us, the answer is no. We offer patience, encouragement, and understanding to others while denying ourselves the same grace. So next time you do a mistake, it's okay, it's completely human to do so, but we also need to learn how to move on from it without overthinking it, it happened and it's in the past.

So, we need to stop that attitude and behaviour towards ourselves. Moving on from a mistake starts with accepting the truth: the past cannot be edited, it has already happened or it's already been written. No amount of regret, rumination, or self-punishment can change what has already happened. The future is completely unknown and unwritten for us, nothing is set in the stone work until it is in the past. While reflection can be useful, repeatedly revisiting the same moment often becomes a way of staying emotionally attached to a version of reality that no longer exists. I know it's easier said then done.

"A mistake becomes a scar when we learn from it, but it becomes a wound when we keep reopening it."