So Far Yet So

I’ve been trying to write a fanfic for the past few weeks now. It’s something that I’ve had an interest in since watching Walker 2021. My brain doesn’t want to let it go despite everything else that I’ve written. Here’s an excerpt of what I’ve written so far. It’s not much. But I absolutely love it despite it not being a lot.

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The first few things that he noticed when he woke up was a heaviness in his head. It felt like someone shoved it full of cotton so tight it would explode. What in Hell happened to him? Last thing he remembered was walking towards his home. Then a pain in the middle of his back and blackness. Now. Now he was bound to a wooden chair in God knows whereby who the Hell knows who.

Cordell knew this was someone who saw an opportunity. Or someone that wanted to hurt him. All he had to do was figure out who this was and why. First was thinking of how he was tied down and where.

Slowly, he opened his eyes to scan the room that he was in. It was disheveled and clearly not lived in for a few years. There were signs that he’d been dragged by someone to the chair. And from the amount of dust on his clothes, this person struggled. They weren’t very strong. Or this person was smaller than him. Maybe someone that was out of shape had done this? But why? All that Cordell knew was that they weren’t in the room just yet. He checked what was on his wrists and ankles. Black zip ties. Industrial zip ties if he had to guess. His legs were tied with the same stuff. Whoever had done this to him had even tied a rope around his waist. A little overkill.

A lot overkill.

But whoever they were did this to keep him from getting up. They were desperate to keep him from getting free. While testing the zip ties, he heard footsteps approaching wherever this place was and he shut his eyelids quickly. Controlling his breathing to the best of his ability. A moment later, he heard a door open and footsteps again. The person was breathing heavy as they got closer to him. Standing in front of him just breathing hard as if they were staring at him. It wasn’t long before the person broke the silence. A gentle voice stated,”I know that you’re awake, Cordell. You’re breathing way too quickly for someone that’s asleep.”

“Let’s not insult each other’s intelligence and you open up your eyes so we can talk.”,the soft voice insisted. It sounded sort of masculine. But not a woman’s voice. Soon as he opened his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of someone that was slender. Had dirty blonde hair that looked like it seen better days. Eyes that were warm brown were now bloodshot with lack of sleep. Their features were androgynous compared to his own and he glanced the rest of them over. A red flannel long sleeve shirt that had dirt and other various stains on it. With a white t-shirt underneath and dirty torn jeans. Along with brown boots that had seen better days. They stated,”My name is Clancy Pavone, Cordell. I doubt you remember meeting me.”

“You were the one that found me after I got shot in the shoulder.”,he added. Clancy Pavone? A shot shoulder was what clicked for him. Seeing the man in front of him made him remember what he’d seen. A cop on vacation with his little boy. At that time, he helped keep him alive and awake. The young man had lost his little boy and was barely making sense with his pain. Saying something about a wizard and a one-eyed man. Walker wasn’t too sure what to make of them at the time. Now, he really wished that he had taken the time to listen to him. Cordell stated,”I remember you, Clancy. I..I’m sorry for what happened to you.”

“But kidnapping me isn’t going to-“”I’m not kidnapping you for ransom, Cordell.”,Clancy corrected. His tone was sharp but not loud as he knelt in front of Cordell.

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And this is as far as I’ve gotten with my fanfic. This was meant to be longer because I’m starting to love Cordell Walker from Walker 2021. Because of a few factors that aren’t about me. They’re all about how I can’t get my head back into writing fanfiction anymore and people trying to scam me of my money. I haven’t had a good time writing fanfiction because of how little comments I’ve been getting on my work. Haven’t been able to even work on the stuff that I want to because of how uncomfortable I feel. As well as just not being able to write in general. These past few weeks I haven’t had a moment to think of what I want to write for my newest fanfic. ‘A Star is Born’. Which I won’t ever get into because I don’t want to talk about it just yet.

Or here.

I’ve had a few rough patches because every time that I try to write anything, I can’t. My brain is just not allowing me to deal with much Every single time that I try to write the story, I keep getting distracted. Or that my own cat keeps cuddling with me and curling up on my lap. Which is not a problem but trying to write another page when you’re inspired to write? It gets a little uncomfortable and my foot falls asleep, too. It makes things so difficult to want to write when you can’t feel a good portion of your own leg. And I know that it’s an excuse not to write. But I can’t help it. Nor can I get myself back into wanting to write Cordell being kidnapped by a traumatized father. Or anything else that I’ve been dying to write for the past few months.

There are so many stories that I want to write. But I’m always too tired to write them after I get off of work. And I hate how I can’t make myself write. Hate that I can’t just push through my tiredness like I used to be able to. Being tired wasn’t the worse thing in the world a couple of months ago. Like I could get a story written in a few hours. Maybe a few weeks at the most. Getting the full story finished within a few months of each other. Yet I somehow can’t even begin to write this stupid little one-shot fanfic for Walker 2021. One that I find so freaking engaging that I can’t even stop myself. It’s supposed to be a fun one that I wanted to write. Sure, it’s supposed to be angsty as well, but I wanted to write this. Wanted to get my head back into writing more fanfics. Yet, I have no feelings for it anymore. No love for writing fanfiction like I used to a couple of years back. Or a couple of months back. There’s so much going on that I can’t even write some tiny amount of fanfiction that brings me a little bit of joy.

Then there’s the scammers. The scammers are one of the biggest reasons that I don’t want to write anymore. They’re everywhere. Clogging up my inbox on my not fanfiction stuff. In my Vocal works. And my Archive of Our Own stuff as well. Despite how polite I am or not polite about it. They keep coming. They’re one of the other reasons that I don’t want to write anymore. Scammers are giving me ‘compliments’ then telling me that I should buy their shitty covers. Buy their shitty comics or any other kind of bullshit that I don’t want to buy from them. It makes me so fucking mad, and I want to tell them to screw themselves. Which I wasn’t always polite for.

Then there are the times that I’m an absolute angel to them as I try to write. Try to get myself under control as I tell them to leave me alone. And after that I got no comments on anything anymore, that isn’t them. Which is pissing me off so much. It’s made me not want to write because I’ll just get more of them.

I want to write to please myself like when I started writing fanfiction in the first place. To get people to like what I’m writing and enjoy themselves as well. But I can’t write it when I feel like someone wants money from me every page that I write. Or anytime that I even breathe the idea of making a fic. Which has been happening once or twice a month. Maybe once or twice a week at most. There’s so much that I want to scream at them for making me hate writing.

For making me fear it.

I want to write so much that I can almost scream. But there’s this anger and fear that I’ve been feeling for a while now. Feeling that I can’t stand in the smallest amount. Everything sucks when I can’t get the words out. Because there’s too many words for me to use or too little words for me to use. So many thoughts buzzing in my mind that I just want to be normal again. To feel like myself once more. But I can’t do any of that with these damn scammers and just general tiredness. Mostly because of the scammers. No matter how hard I try to do things I can’t get myself to write a fanfiction. Or any form of fiction that won’t take me a long while.

I want to write so much stuff but. Nothing is coming to me anymore and I’ve felt less and less like a writer. I felt like I haven’t been able to even comment right on other writers’ stuff anymore either. My mind is screaming at me to rest when I start writing. Then it’s screaming at me to keep writing when I don’t write. Everything feels like conflicting emotions when I can’t get my head together. Why do people make it harder and harder for me to want to write at all. I don’t know if anyone else is dealing with this but I’d love to know. Has anyone dealt with people demanding money from them? Demanding it after giving shitty over the top compliments? Because I’m so sick of being told that I project such thoughtful imagery and then get a follow up of ‘buy my shitty artwork’.

It would be so much easier if I knew why the Hell there’s so many of them now. And it would be so much easier if I could just shove myself back into writing at all. There’s just so much and too little for me to even want to. I want to be able to write Cordell and Clancy. I want to be able to write about Jane and Homelander. Them being a toxic family together and her either getting free of his grasp. Or her becoming just as horribly toxic as Homelander definitely is. I have even been rolling around the idea of writing a fanfic featuring a sister for Sam and Dean. Not original but something that I love because I love the idea of it being a trio of siblings. Also, the very idea of Sam and Dean having a younger sister is kind of something that I like.

Yet every single time that I go to write, I can’t force myself to do it. I might just put some of these on hold for a while. Enjoy rewatching Supernatural until I can get my head back into writing.

Well, writing fanfiction. Otherwise, I’m just writing on the fly and that’s not always as good. It really sucks when I got so many ideas that I can’t get them out. Not in ways that I really want to anyway.

But what I really need is to stop these freaking scammers. If there was a way to just stop them from joining, I’d be grateful. If anyone else has seen this, I’d love to hear how you handle them. Whether it’s not engaging or not. For now, I’m going to do my best to tell them off and report them. It feels as though they’re one of the biggest reasons that I can’t keep writing. That and the lack of comments in general in other areas. If I work so hard for something.

Then there’s picking where things are meant to be headed. Like in everything that I’ve written in the past, I get a clear idea. Or at least some vague notion of how the story should be headed. Like a picture in my mind of where the story could be headed. Or what cool idea would work for it. Even getting a few alternate ideas of where the story should be heading when I write from the rough draft. Such as ‘The Gnawing Hunger’ with Bo and Hawthorne’s relationship. It could have gone a whole lot darker the way that I planned it. But the story was going in a completely different direction to someone dying. And someone living to be an infected creature of who knows what. Even though I’m still not sure what the Hell Hawthrone was meant to be.

Nor will I ever.

What I do know is that each story has a clear line of where it is meant to be. Or an idea of where it could have gone. Which I might write when I can actually picture myself writing it at all. I can’t picture myself doing it. My brain just doesn’t want to picture anything outside of just relaxing right now. Not a bad thing. I know that it isn’t a bad thing. But right now, I would just love the ability to write anything without feeling like I’m torturing myself, too. Hell admitting any of this has taken me at least eight, almost nine days.

A new record for me and my incompetence if I’m being honest.

You think writing something about how I could do better is easy. My brain won’t just do what I need it to do. It’s been months since I’ve even been able to do much of anything and I can’t get my head to get the ideas out. Nor would I be able to get my ideas out onto the page either. Well in ways that I prefer. It makes me feel like I’m failing so many people that are subscribed to me here on Vocal. Or on anywhere else that I’ve been writing on for the past eleven more years. Which makes my brain feel worse when I try to write anything because I don’t see the point in it. The point of doing anything when no one wants to comment on what I write anymore. But that wasn’t the reason that I started writing in the first place.

Yet, I still seem to be angry with the fact that I worked so hard to get nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Not a crumb. Or a hint of a comment. That isn’t the point of writing. That’s never been the point of why I started writing. The point of why I started writing was because I wanted to write things. Wanted to write things that I absolutely wanted to read that no one else was giving me. And I can’t get myself to write any of it anymore because of a stupid and shallow reason. A really childish reason, I’ll admit that it’s absolutely childish of me to want comments on my fanfiction. Or on my normal fiction as well. But I can’t get myself to stop feeling so angry that I can’t get a comment or anything without it being a scammer. A really shitty one at that. Trying to give me the shittiest compliment that makes me so angry that I can’t stand it.

Or otherwise, there’s nothing for months on end when I can’t get back into it. It just makes me feel like I’m doing it to yell into the void. Or that I’m just doing it to be ignored while I’m typing what I feel is awesome. Hell, I can’t even get a critique without it being apart of me saying ‘no’ to a scammer. One telling me that I should hire an editor when I told them ‘no’ and they’d given me a compliment. Saying how my dialogue flows so effortlessly and that they wanted to give me a ‘gift’. Because insulting someone when they tell you no and give a boundary is the best thing.

How dare I do that.

I don’t understand anymore why so many scammers are coming out of the woodwork. Or why I’m so freaking sensitive and can’t make myself write. But I’m going to keep trying and trying despite that. Write out what I’m thinking in a journal. Or what I think will be cool as a rough draft in one, too. As there are so many ideas that I could use. And that I really, really need to get out there for someone to enjoy. Even if they’re never going to comment and tell me that. Comments aren’t the only point to writing fanfiction or fiction. It shouldn’t be the only reason I write.

What I should be doing is try to enjoy myself. Despite how hard it is. Despite how much I want to stop writing for a while. I should be. And I feel that I should be trying to take a break from writing, too. Yet I don’t want to. What I want is to write an angsty intro to a Supernatural fanfic featuring Sam, Dean and a little sister. Write a story about anything that I want. But maybe I should take a break at some point. Just until I feel like I can be creative once more. Not today. As I’m going to try and write that first chapter of Supernatural and see where it goes from there.