Who's the real Monster?

~ Ed

What am I doing?

What the hell did I just see?

Z cried. I heard them down the hall and am glad I wasn't in their sight. From the looks of the wall they got a little violent. I think their body is shaking. Then Nurse Ratchet, wait did Z call her 'Emilia'? Both had a quick chat and now Z asked me for a distraction before I could ask anything.

They literally asked for the thing I was known for all my life. I hope Z doesn't mind me winging it right now. Still holding their hand in mine I lead us up the stairs to the next floor. There's always a room close by the kitchen.

Huh? I never noticed that even though Z's hands are small compared to mine they're very strong.

Going through the door I scanned the halls trying to find an open door. Seeing one on the right I pushed the door to see a bed and desk. Someone used to live in here.

Leading Z to the chair close by the desk I saw that the screen was still on. Thank the Saints that I don't have to find a room with an unlocked screen. I know how to work one, but ask me to open it with a password lock and you're out of luck.

Looking over my shoulder to see that Z was spacing out. I thought Just give me a minute doll. Doll? I used to use that word for people I didn't care enough to learn their names. I know Z's. At the least the one they told me about. I think they have a deadname. Tamara? Doesn't matter. I know them as Z and that's who they are to me.

Turning back to the screen I had to thank the Saints yet again that the Wi-Fi is still working. Hovering my hand over the mouse I made a silent prayer that there weren't any firewalls on this thing. Opening a browser to look up YouTube I held my breath in waiting. The site wasn't blocked. I let out a heavy sigh. Looking up a song I think Z will like I made sure that the volume was on and loud enough to be heard.

Playing 'Where's the man' I turned around to see Z's eyes begin to light up. Reaching my hands out to take both of theirs I said "Hope you don't mind me leading." Guiding their arms around my neck I moved mine to down their arms to touch the top part of their waist.

Swaying us gently left to right I hadn't known Z was so thin. I've held them a few times and thought they were light. This makes sense now. Wondering if they were always this thin or not I felt Z get closer. Moving my focus back to them I felt their left hand go to my mid back and their right hand to hold my own.

Seeing that they know the basics of dancing we box waltzed with music you don't slow dance to. Z got close enough for me to rest my cheek on their head. It's been so long since I've done this.

If you had told me a week ago I would be dancing again with a beautiful person in my arms I would've laughed in your face to keep myself from giving you a black eye. We danced for a few more songs.

I never wanted to ask a question so bad then right now. My Aunty's words kept on playing in my head 'If a woman (or in this case A.F.A.B) has been crying just do whatever she (they) want until she (they) are ready to talk. Those words have never let me down. I'm glad I committed them to memory when I did.

The people I've been with before never got the term girlfriend/boyfriend from me. Eric calls it the 'band life'. He really isn't one to talk. Eric found Shelly as we were starting the band. I think I'm happier now for him than I did when they met. A part of me knew that he was still alive, even though I didn't see or hear from him. Now Eric and Shelly are together again.

I don't know what Z and I or even Matt are to each other. All I know is that I want to protect the both of them, the same way they both did for me. Maybe even more.

Feeling my heart beat violently against my chest I felt Z shift away from me. Looking down into their eyes, one green and the other red they told me "Thank you". Trying to keep my cool and be considerate I said "You know I'm here for you, right?" I had a bad feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. Z nodded against my chest before saying "I know."

Taking a shot in the dark I kissed the top of their head to show both my interest in them and respect. Z held me tighter to ask "What do you think if kids?" I heard their voice quiver. Deciding to be honest I replied "I like kids and would probably want some eventually, with the right partner that is." Z's body tensed in my grasp. I pulled away to see more tears. In a panic I asked "Was it something I said? If it is then I'm sorry." Z closed their eyes tightly to say "I can't have any."

Unsure of what they meant I tried to comfort them "You never know. There are tests and -"

"You don't understand! Somebody sterilized me!" Z told me.

Their words hit me like a ton of bricks. Shocked I didn't know what to do or say. Z probably saw the uncertainty on my face. They took my hand to place on their lower stomach. I was in the process of saying something when I felt a scar. Slowly Z lifted their shirt slightly for me to see and feel the scar fully. I may not be book smart, I'm actually surprised I graduated high school. Still I knew where the uterus is at.

Lifting my head to see Z's eyes glued to my hand I gently raise their face to see mine. "Words can't express what I feel for you right now" I told them. They closed their eyes tightly. Wiping Z's tears away my mind spun with ideas of how to make them feel better. Replaying my Aunty's words again I held Z tightly.

Z pulled away again slowly this time. Taking a good look at them I stood completely still. I almost didn't hear their voice when they whispered "I'm so tired." Moving my eyes away from them to see a that the bed was already made. I lowered my hands to their mid back. "I think you need to rest" I said softly.

Leading Z to the bed I kept one hand on them as I moved the sheet and comforter to make room. Watching their body move on what I can only assume was autopilot to get under the covers. Seeing their chest rise and fall I quietly moved the chair to get close to the twin sized cot. The music continued to play and after a few minutes I found a comic to read. Looking up every page to make sure they were still sleeping I never left their side.