There Ain’t No Love Left in the Pot!

Last episode, Ben’s world had turned upside down; some good, some not so good. ‘Dumb-ass jelly bean!’ was how Calvernicus had described Ben. He was offended. He put it out of his mind because, on the good side, he was spending the next week with ‘one-on-one’ with Tina.  He could not wait.

He pinched himself to make sure he was not dreaming.  “Yep! Still hurts, so I am here.”

He hit his head against the wall. “That definitely hurts – ‘dumb ass jellybean!’”

******

Monday morning, Ben was at work ahead of everyone else. He wanted to clear his emails and have no distractions.  He was going to learn all about compliance from Tina today; ‘one-on-one time’ was how Doug had described it.

He opened his Outlook - ten emails.  He was disappointed! He was in compliance now - wasn’t he supposed to be told about everything?

After all, he was now the guardian of the company. His mission, if he accepted, was to be like a Shield Agent. He needed to save everyone from the demons of the corporate world. These included bribery, corruption, insider trading, and ethical dilemmas. The list went on.

"Ha, ha, ha …ha, ha, ha,” he heard in his head.  "That pompous twit Calvernicus," he thought. He was laughing at me.

“I’ll show you,” he said “You don’t know shit, mah-n,” he said in the worst Jamaican accent. He was not sure why he was speaking Jamaican. Undercover, he thought. Yes, that was it.  He would have to develop new undercover skills if he was going to protect and serve the company.  He would have to become a super-sleuth!

“Ha, ha, ha … ha, ha, ha,” he heard again in his head. 

“I’ll show you! You just wait and see, Fatso!" he yelled out.

He bobbed up quickly to see if there was anyone around. He would be in big trouble (again) with HR if someone took it the wrong way, especially if they were fat.

So back to the disappointing number of e-mails. 

Four were training assignments:

• Compliance 101

• ABAC, which he guessed was a joke about the alphabet

• FMV, which he only connected to big Ford trucks

• Ethics and the Code of Business Conduct

Good, he thought. I can’t wait to get stuck into all those exciting topics – my ‘bread and butter' for the next few years.

Three e-mails were from his new trade blog subscriptions he just registered for.  He opened the first one and skimmed the headlines:

- Australia: Miners Warn Investments Are at Risk from Proposed Foreign Bribery Laws.

- United States: Singapore executives plead guilty in ‘Fat Leonard’ Navy scandal.

- China: Former China mayor sentenced to 14 years for graft.

Ben’s mind was racing.  Australia does not want foreign bribery laws because it will mean overseas people can’t bribe the miners? 

He wasn’t sure, but felt that this must in some way involve the indigenous people and ‘fair play’; it always does. A case in the US that has to attract HR attention. Fancy naming somebody as ‘Fat Leonard’ and don’t mess around with China. Tina was in China.  He made a note to talk to her about it.

He opened another one. Six Ways Modern Compliance Officers Can Shift Their Focus.

Wow, this looks great! he thought. I am sure when I know what my focus is, I will want to shift it.  He saved this one for future reference.

Now that he was up to date, he turned to the three personal e-mails. Pretty disappointing actually. One said he had training assignments. He already knew that; he had just read them. Stupid system, he thought, and put it in the ‘trash.’

One was an invitation from Tina for 'One-on-One' time. He carefully saved that one in his “Important meetings” file. The last one he opened really caught his eye.

It was from his old rival, Penny Promo.

 It read:

It read: “Hi there, loser. They finally caught up with you and sent you to Siberia to work in Compliance (ha ha).  Don’t think you can come around here and boss me around now because you are on the other side; I’ll rip your arms off, loser."

Kindest Regards,

Penny Promo, Snr. Marketing Assistant

Ben wrote back a very nasty e-mail and was just about to sign off when he thought, how do I sign this off?

What is it with this email signature thing? He couldn’t put 'Kindest' because he hated her guts!

He couldn’t put ‘Kind Regards’ or even ‘Regards’ because he had no regard for her whatsoever.

What was he to put?

He thought about ‘Up Yours’ or ‘Swallow Glass' but that somehow did not seem appropriate - too nice!

“Ha, ha, ha … ha, ha, ha,” he heard again in his head.

“You know you are really starting to bug me, Old Man! Who said you could get in my head anyway?”

“Only here to help; I’m from Compliance,” said Calvernicus.  “Compliance 101: rise above the negativity and criticism; you have to lead by example. Delete the email, Ben! You will have to become a change agent and turn people like Penny into believers.”

Ben deleted it, picked up his notebook, and went off to his first 'one-on-one’ meeting with Tina.

Next Episode: Episode 21 – “Ben Learns About Compliance Officers”  (second last episode of Part II)

Till next time,

Calvin