self - exposure

it is too easy to lose sight of what matters. I find myself going back and forth in my own mind on why I even chose to land here, on this page - of all places - quietly shouting my innermost thoughts into the very abyss that is this world wide..stage.

in a way it helps to think of this place as a rage room. where every word feels like being able to walk into a room full of lovely breakable items (sledgehammer in hand), in search of your next controlled breakdown. And this is of course me imagining what it might be like, seeing that I've never been...

I hate when the wires in my mind just up and cross me. It's like some trip wire deep in my brain that can literally smell the good sh*t coming to me. which, sounds ironic, but I can't escape my desire for more..reckless informalites. You know: blunt truths, quick blows, mini explosions - the rage room experience.

all of the thoughts flowing through this damn trip wire are literally negative as hellll though, like "Gurlll, who even INVITED you?" This little she-devil aspect of myself just couldn't wait to turn 'I've never been' into a melodramatic soap opera where my mind is some judgy miserable aunt, who can't wait to remind you that you were once homeless, after you announce closing on a new home at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Like yesss I've never been to a rage room, but I have definitely broken things in rage in my room and found some pleasure in hearing glass snap*crackle*SCHWAM! against my kitchen floor like a choir of bells being dropped on a dingy sidewalk. I mean the sound of glass shattering is almost melodic, wouldn't you say? The more pieces, the richer.

Even in the chaos, I have the audacity to find whimsy. lol

And so when these other sad or jarring intrusive thoughts come f*cking up the birthday party, it really grinds my gears. Literally. throws a whole bolt in the "New Connection Operation". the NPO. Two different paths are fighting to establish dominance in my mind and it just feels at times, it's so easy to believe, the hater is winning. And the craziest part is, these agents of chaos that seek to keep you out of order, only move in this way because that's how they're wired. Chaos isn't all bad. You can make sense of some things within it, but I believe that peaceful living requires the ability to calibrate oneself in the midst of it.

It can feel so utterly isolating and stifling to feel like I am forever stuck and sucked into mental loops and life cycles that I so desperately believe I wish to get out of. Spiraling down mental rabbit holes to the extent that you manage to ruin your own day - like, that's really a lot of heavy energy that you allowed yourself to disperse throughout your reality, one thought at a time.

I believe the people call it "self sabotage" - That when I begin to do things that I, to a large extent, know will improve my quality of life in some way or state of mind, these progressive thought patterns, have the potential to encounter what feels like ALOT of resistance. And so I'm left wondering - at the point that I encounter resistance, why the f*ck do I jump into the raging disruptive sea of resistance like it's a 5 ft deep hot tub? Why can't I readily access the more empowering thought, that I am encountering a lot of resistance because the magnitude of energy I am calling forth is JUST that Great?

All I can actually come up with is, something in me finds comfort in chaos and upheaval - Tower energy, in the tarot. related to the planetary aspect of Scorpio which rules transformation, occult knowledge, death & rebirth.

To say then, that part of me is comfortable suggests multiple things, but I'll focus on the most glaring parts - 1) My nervous system is conditioned to expect chaos due to unexplored trauma, repressed emotions, and childhood conditioning. 2) Chaos is still a threat - I am attempting to 'become comfortable' with said threat by becoming hypervigilant ie. analysis paraylsis to make sure you didn't miss anything (but that mental rollercoaster doesn't end). You end up ultimately having to initiate or be forced to experience something that invokes the necessary change, to exit that loop altogether.

And let's add a daring 3rd: My thoughts are essentially electrical signals being transmitted from one place to another. My thoughts have the ability, technically right? - to possess a magnetic field. Therefore, I quite literally have thoughts that, in large quantities and consistencies, attract or repel (positive or negative) certain realities.

If I live in a reality where its been told and reinforced to me, that rabbits are evil, then my nervous system will immediately be on alert when I do encounter one. And in the event that I rarely see a rabbit, when I finally do - imagine just how much scarier that experience would be. It'd be like a Christian seeing an actual red Devilman in the flesh..

in this reality, however, the belief that "Rabbits are evil" is largely untrue. The belief has only been allowed to spread because no one ever thought to dig deeper and question the WHY. It was a surface-level statement accepted by society because this society has entrusted other humans with authority over their personal reality.

That is to say - once you understand that you CAN be conditioned (mentally trained to do without thinking) and become aware in WHAT ways you've been conditioned, I would hope that it becomes easier to adopt a new thought patterns - I can recondition myself. and furthermore, I can choose what behavior I want to see out of myself, but I am then required to work on building that new pathway. After all, no one in this warped reality has ever seen a rabbit, but the President. And when he saw it, something negative happened in his reality right after seeing said rabbit.

So you the individual is left to battle the reality you were taught; challenge the reality you've always known...up until you began to question it. That is WHY you cannot be afraid to explore the roots of your own personal beliefs. In order to discover a new truth, you must be willing to believe the option of new even exist. That means I must carve out and plant seeds along these particular pathways, and nourish them with thoughts that are positive; that are attractive to the reality that is seeking me back. I must be able to call in new realities with my literal thoughts. And this may require me to go through uncertainty, doubt, and questioning - to secure clarity.

That was my intention after all. In coming to write. I asked my tarot cards - "How should I deal with all the anxious intrusive fearful thoughts in my head?"

And I prayed that it would say anything but write, because I felt the most resistance towards it. I knew that I could not escape my own thoughts. I knew it would require honesty. However, I also prayed over my cards first. I convened in my Spirit with beings that desire my highest potential to be actualized in the physical. With this power boost it became easier for the cards to pick up on the best energetic outcome. Meeting your resistance exactly where it's at by being forced to stare it in the face and just f*cking do it. Even if it means typing out possibly the trippiest-toned piece of writing.

The easiest and the hardest thing to do in an honest way, while trying to actively outrun my own anxiety - IS write about life. "sort through the millions of thoughts swirling through that busy mind and just start somewhere". That was the disruptive, but expansive thought that led me aqui - here. and then "see where that stream of consciousness takes you."

It's just that easy to lose sight of what matters. but simultaneously, in allowing myself the space to explore the darker depths of my mental realm, I've managed to collect some jewels along the way. The ability to explore any thing or person from your higher self or your lower self - it truly is a choice you have to consciously make to a certain extent. It's like you have to feed your mind something new to hyperfixate on. However, if you choose the right combination of things - a good balance of light and dark. feminine and masculine. flowing, but in control - as in most things, there lies the sweet spot.

that is "heaven on earth" experience. While I could say it's vastly different from the 'rage room' experience, at the end of the day it's about how you choose to angle the lens of your experience. What belief is limiting your ability to see how beautiful Life is?