It's Time for Me

Each decade of life has its requirements. From birth to adolescence, you are required to obey, learn socially and intellectually, plan your future, and focus on career paths. You become a product of your environment and family structure. Often, this period of life is where we learn to care for others’ feelings, and more accurately, their feelings about you. We all want to belong, to be loved, and to be appreciated. We learn how to fit in because life is about where you fit into the world, isn’t it? Who you are, what you are, and whom you attach yourself to are the driving forces of humanity. Daunting, it’s true. Crazy is a better description for youth.

In your twenties, that struggle becomes more apparent. You now have to fit in at your college. Maybe you strive to fit into a new career or social circle. Maybe it’s a faith you found and now seek to fit into that culture. Whatever it is, we want to fit in; we need to fit in, so we pay attention to what others think of us. It becomes our litmus test for acceptance. If we fit in and become entrenched in our choices, we are doing well. But what if we don’t?

If we find ourselves outside the circle of trust in your circles, whether social or work-related, we change or mold ourselves to be more like others. We adapt our behavior to gain acceptance, and maybe even change what we want to become, who we are inside, to become what others will embrace. This tactic is not sustainable. It is part of the growing process, however.

By the time you are in your thirties, your life settles down. Hopefully, this is true for most of us. Women, I think, especially go through this cycle more than men. We are emotional creatures; therefore, our need for a network and integration into it is more important than it is for men, who tend to be more individualistic. Our identities usually depend on our activities, our relationships, and what others expect. Mostly, we do this to ourselves.

We have expectations of ourselves and a mental model of what we should look like to the world. After all, we've been cultivating this mindset since we were children. We want to please our parents as children, our teachers in school, our boyfriends and cliques in adolescence, and our families, husbands, and children in adulthood. But what about us individually? When do we get to stop pleasing everyone else or doing everything for others?

On some level, we will always have some selflessness in our lives. But is it okay to become selfish at some point? I think it is.

At fifty-eight years of age, I have come to that point. In my earlier years, fitting in and meeting others' expectations were a source of worry for me. I did what I wanted to do; do not get me wrong. But I also sacrificed parts of myself to do what I needed or wanted to do. I have no regrets. Please note that as well. No one made me do anything or made my choices for me. I don’t play the victim card because I am a woman. We are not victims. I am not anyone’s victim.

And blaming others for what I do or don’t accomplish, to me, is a cop-out. I own my decisions.

Growing up was difficult. I got through it by learning, getting an education, working my way up the ladder in the workforce, and finding my place and role in life. I gave up working because it was more important to me to raise a well-adjusted child and start a family. I put them before me. That is not an issue for me. In fact, I am proud of it because I find no pride in selfishness. The man my husband and I raised is someone we are proud of.

Last year, our son went off on his own adventure. He began his career and individual life, apart from his parents. Job done. We raised a child who is more than capable, and that gives me great pleasure. So then what? What was I going to do? Who was I when I was no longer a mother?

A year after he left, my husband suggested I return to what I loved. I thought there was no way I wanted to go back into the medical field. But that is not what he meant. My husband knew I never enjoyed working outside my home. My mother never did, and that is what I wanted when I had a family to raise. I knew the security that comes with a parent who is always present. I wanted that for our family, and we gave it to our kid.

Since our son has been gone, I have had a major realization. Other people's opinions of me do not concern me. My life should not be judged by others' standards, and I do not feel obligated to act or think as they consider appropriate. Being myself is something I'm comfortable with. I have done what I set out to do, given of myself, and focused on others’ needs over my own for a long time. Now it’s time for me.

My husband suggested I return to my love of art. A friend suggested I write after reading some of what I had written for myself. I chose both. That’s how I roll. All or nothing. I’m in my second year of writing and creating art, and I’ve rediscovered my creative side. There are no days when I can stand the thought of not writing, drawing, or painting. It is now the new definition of who I am and what I am becoming. We never stop becoming. Change has its own growing pains, though.

My changes affect others, and those can be hard for people to adapt to. My family has a difficult time accepting that I am tied up for eight hours a day writing. They also get upset when I am creating art and can’t give them my undivided attention. I listen to music while I draw or paint. It helps me block out distractions so I can make something beautiful with my hands. When someone interrupts my music, it slams on the brakes to my creativity.

I tend to have tunnel vision when I create. Some of you might understand that. When I focus, I drown out the rest of the world. I know this is not ideal, but I am still adjusting to my new self and my fresh path. This is hard for others to deal with. They have been used to having everything for them at all times, but now I am not that for them anymore. I know it’s not rational for them to believe that, but change is always a hardship. And I am changing.

My biggest concern is my husband. Together, we are empty nesters. We had a life before our son, and during his life, our focus shifted toward him. Now we must create a new version of ourselves without him as the main purpose of our day. That is hard. I don’t have all the answers. I have none, if I am being honest. Navigating this new unknown is a challenge.

How do we regain what we had before children? I don’t think it’s possible. It’s not the same. Twenty-five years have passed, and time has changed us. What we have now is a period of readjustment. It’s a time to see who we are as adults without children and what that means for us. It’s a new adventure. Adventures can be exhilarating, but they can also be exhausting. What it means for us remains to be seen. In the end, we will emerge from the tunnel and have fresh adventures together. I am excited about that. It will be difficult, I know, but worth it.

As for family and friends who are uncomfortable with our changes, I can’t help them much. They don’t really have a horse in this race. I don’t believe we should live pleasing others. There is no reason to hurt them, but giving them control over our lives is not a way to handle it either. Friends, family, and acquaintances will have to get over their issues without judging what they don’t understand. I don’t judge them, and the same should be true in reverse.

There comes a point in life when no one else’s opinion matters in what you do. At this age, I have reached that point. The words “I don’t care what anyone thinks” are harsh, but they are a reality. I don’t think it is selfish, or even too selfish, to focus on myself, as I give myself that. I may be wrong in my thoughts on these matters. We will see what happens.

How do you think you would change in the autumn of your years?

#selfcare #selflove #adulthood #writing #everyone #maturity

(Published on Medium)

If you enjoyed this story, why not read another?

Catch me on Patreon, Substack, Beehiiv, Medium, Vocal, Wattpad, or WordPress. Dealer’s choice! Check me out on Social Media too via Linktree or my website, Ink and Echo. And if you’d like to support my coffee habit, you can do that on Ko-fi too.