Home-Canned Lava

This might look like a jar of home-canned jalapeños to you, a taste of summer in a Mason jar. Looks can be deceiving. I picked these last summer. I sliced them, packed them into jars, added salt, vinegar, hot water, and preserved them in a boiling water bath. Yes, I thought I was canning jalapeños. WRONG.

What is it? Let me tell you… It's hell's fire and brimstone. Satan himself pushed these mf'ers through the ground disguised as jalapeños. One bite will have you repenting your sins, pleading for an end to the fire spreading through your mouth, sinuses, and throat. Tears will roll as you beg, but no relief will be found. Somehow, you know this bite is just a taste of what you will endure. This is not the end. The next level is the burning throne of hell.

Twelve jars of hell sit on a shelf in the basement. I have no idea what to do with them. I considered dumping them in the woods, but the risk of splashing lava on my skin is too great. What if a squirrel tries to store them for winter? These peppers are capable of melting bark off of trees. Maybe I should contact the government. They could use them as a weapon of war.