Diary Entry #4

Remember how shy and quiet I mentioned I was growing up? I realized as I was writing these entries I believe I became that way because I was too busy watching, waiting, and listening for the next mean thing someone had to say about me. Another mean whisper, another mean or disgusted look on someone's face from looking at me, another mean inside joke other kids were saying about me. I was too busy bracing myself for hurtful things to be said about me and then pretending like I didn't hear anything once the words left the others kid's mouth. Like I said, I loved school... I just didn't love being picked on for reasons out of my control, or something that I was already insecure about.

My friends were very confident. They were the type of girls that had long hair, light skin complexions, and curves. Everything I wanted to look like. I was the total opposite though... Dark skin, skinny, and short hair. My friends never made me feel like I was less than them or any different than them, but I always looked at them and wished to look like them. A long head of full hair that curled when you wet it, light skin, a pretty face... curves. I felt that's what I needed in order to be confident. It wasn't until I saw all of the attention they'd get from the guys at times that I'd start wishing to look or be like them. I wasn't in a rush to have a boyfriend in middle school, but just to know a guy thought I was pretty would have built my confidence. I wasn't the girl boys fought over in high school. I wasn't the girl who always had a boyfriend. I wasn't the girl who was any guys first choice or secret crush. I was always playing the background... afraid all they would see me as "too ugly" anyways. I was the quiet girl. The one with crushes she'd never admit to. Later on, I did kind of admit to one crush I had. My childhood sweetheart if you may. Boy was I sweet on him. I'll call him Rickey. Rickey was the first boy I ever fell in love with. Now when I first met Rickey, I hated his guts. Fast forward to what they call "the glow up" stage. Oh yes, the glow up was starting to be in effect. Not full effect but you could tell we both were entering the glow up stage of our lives. In my early teens I started to be more into my appearance. My body started to change a little bit; I learned how to style myself and my hair the way I wanted. As for Rickey... the same can be said about him. He grew out his hair and started to rock the braids, he traded his dorkey glasses in for contacts, and his swag even got better.

Although I still struggled with those same insecurities about myself, Rickey, made me forget all about them. It's like he didn't even notice them. Either that or he didn't care. He showed me attention, he smiled at me, he complimented me and made it clear that he liked me. He wasn't like the other boys who made fun of me or made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I think that's why I fell for him so hard. I fell so deep in love with him. Too deep in love. I honestly felt like I liked him more than he liked me. Either that or for some reason he was holding back. I soon found out what that reason was. Rickey had a girlfriend. One day I began to overlook the fact he had a girlfriend. I was too insecure about myself and that's why I thought it was okay at the time, I was still so young, and he was the first boy to like me. I would say to myself "I knew him first" or "he liked me first." Our connection was so deep and unmatched (in my opinion) that I wasn't willing to give up on it so fast. I didn't care... I loved Rickey, but Rickey only liked me. I fell too deep for him. So deep that he was my first. My first kiss, my first touch, my first love, my first heart break too. I'd always think to myself why does he like me? What does he see in me that I don't see in myself? I was so used to rejection that it felt too good to be true. looking back now I see that it was. As time went on, Rickey and I became on and off lovers. As we got older and I kept changing physically I started feeling myself. Feeling more confident, self-esteem rising. Oh yes, the glow up was in full effect by now.

Sure, different guys started to show me attention, but I still craved Rickey. I felt safe with him. We had started out as enemies, then we became friends, then eventually became lovers. Rickey and I lived in the same neighborhood for years so when I found out we were moving I was devastated. That meant not seeing him every day. Not being close to him. Not being able to simply walk down the street and knock on his door just to ask him to go on walks and simply be in his presence. I was so in love with him. I would miss the laughs, the talks, the late-night texting and phone calls, the flirting, and most of all... the secret love sessions we'd often have in the middle of the night when the rest of the world was sleeping. We'd laugh about it the next day on the school bus. Don't worry, we were 18 and soon about to graduate at the time. I was happy for him to be my first. He respected me. So when I was 18 and finally felt ready, I knew I wanted my first time to be with him.

Even after my family and I moved we still kept in touch, and we still found a way to spend time with each other. After a while life happened. Time went by and we both had children... but not with each other. You see, Rickey and I eventually lost touch again. With us living in different areas of the world we met different people at some point and we stopped communicating. When I found out about him being a dad, I was happy for him and when I told him about me becoming a mother, he was happy for me. Anytime one of our relationships with other people failed we'd always reach out to each other and make small talk. He knew how to find me, and I knew how to find him. We'd pick right up where we left off. It was always just like old times. Until one day it all came to an end. I started going to community college and I met other people. I'm sure he did too. Along the way I made plenty of mistakes. That's what your 20s are for right? I made mistakes picking the wrong men. I had spent so much of my life being rejected that any little attention I got made me feel "important," or beautiful. Yes, in my early 20s I still had that mind set. I was enjoying my college experience. Making new friends, setting goals and trying to find ways to achieve them. Over the years I met all kinds of men. The heart brakers, the liars, the cheaters, the womanizers, and the manipulators. Every relationship taught me something. I eventually got tired of meeting and falling for the same type of men and not experiencing real love. I wanted to love me and my child, someone who wanted me for more than what they saw on the outside.

I wanted the type of man I had read about in the romance novels I liked to read, the fairytale stories, or the movie and tv shows about love. The type of man that valued me. One that could make me feel safe and secure in every way that I needed. Someone who chose me over and over again. A man who could be my protector. The type of man who wanted to fight for me and stick by me through thick and thin... through my imperfections and love me flaws and all. A romantic kind of guy. Someone who liked to go on dates and romantic getaways. Someone who liked surprises just like I did. A true and honest man who would one day put a ring on my finger. I had dreamed of that kind of love ever since I started reading about it and watching it on tv. I soon began to think It didn't exist and that it was nothing but what it was labeled as... a fairytale. After so many failed situationships I gave up and started focusing on me and bettering my life for a while, you know? Being a mother and making a living with just me and my young child. A few years of me being happily single had passed by and I was okay with that lifestyle. That is until I met Devlyn. Nothing could have prepared me for his type of love. He came into my life like a thief in the night and stole my entire heart and soul. I never saw him coming. I wasn't looking, waiting or wishing for a man to come and sweep me off my feet the way he did, but he did... and he was everything I dreamed about having with a man. Or so I thought. Stay tuned and buckle up for the roller coaster ride of your life. I'm nowhere near done. Get ready to read what happens when a woman raised in love, respect, and family values, meets a man raised in trauma, violence, and street survival.

xoxo -Purple Diamond.